[F1l1pV]

Alright, going out soon so I am writing this in a bit of a rush. I've been reading on here for quite some time, maybe 5 months or so. I havent gone out to a party or anything of the likes in probably 3 months because of school and shit. Anyways, summer break is here and I am going to a party in an hour or so.

Thing is, I cant seem to understand how to hold a conversation with a girl past 3 or 4 minutes. I am great at approaching and getting " in ", but I cant get past the 5 minute mark when it comes to holding a conversation. Usually I just forget what I've read when I go out.

Does anyone have anything quick to help me wiht before I go out in an hour? Something to keep in mind during the night? What do I talk about? Confused.

Sorry for spam.

[DonnyGately]

There needs to be a common interest and/or something interesting about you to discuss. Don't hang around the girl if the well goes dry go talk to someone else and check back in later when you've both had another 1-2 drinks.

Everyone gets nervous. Everyone. You're not a robot. As you get better she might have to be 8-9+ for that to happen but it still happens.

If you look like you're having fun, girls will notice. If you don't, same thing. Have fun out there.

[UlteriorMotive]

Personally when I am in this situation I take the idea of getting a number or lay out of my mind and focus primarily on having a good time.

As DonnyGately said you want to look like you're having fun.

I'd recommend reading "How To Win Friends & Influence people"

A few principles from the book I keep in mind and or read before I attend a gathering.

1. Become Genuinely Interested in people

2. Smile

3. Remember the persons name you're talking to (I say it in my head a few times after they introduce themself)

4. Encourage others to talk about themselves (This takes the pressure off you having to talk and saying something out of whack and also shows them you are a good listener)

5. When they mention something that is of great interest to them continue to ask them about it and maintain eye contact.

These points are just the basics but have helped me when I am in a situation I am not too comfortable being in.

[F1l1pV]

Just got back home, the party ended up getting pretty big and everyone got sent home an hour or so after I got there, so I never really got the chance to " perform ". What ended up happening was me and some friends along with about 15 others guys just took some liqour and walked around drinking. A bit disappointing.

This leads me to another problem though. It seems that everywhere I go I have people picking on me. I used to think it was just other people being assholes, but I am convinced there is something I am doing that makes people pick on me. It used to be ALOT worse, nowadays it's mostly minor shit like people calling me names and trying to make fun of me infront of other people. If not that they'll try and test me to make themselves feel better and bigger. Just tonight we were walking around and drinking, and some guy wanted to walk away from where we were standing because his parents might see him. I told him to not worry. I think I said precisely " Stop worrying, they are probably sleeping ". For some reason he got mad and took my " drink " and threw it in my face and walked off after leaning in on me and asking me in a threatening tone " what the fuck do you mean stop worrying? ". It seems no matter where I go people have a problem with me. I have switched social circles several times and the same thing always occur. They are nice to me the first couple days and then start testing me and make fun of me and push me around . If I stand up for myself and tell them to fuck off, they just don't seem to want to be around me anymore. It's like they either want me around to make fun of me or they don't want me there at all.

I really don't understand what I could be doing wrong to make this occur every single time. I am usually not talking shit either. One of my close friends used to be one of those assholes who messed with me pretty badly and he told me it was because messing with me was the thing to do. I guess I always become the running joke of a social group, people simply refuse to respect me.

Another example that just sprung to mind is when I was standing outside of this years " graduation ceremony " with a friend. Two of his friends walked up, I barely know these guys, seen them around a couple of times but nothing more. After 10 minutes of standing around and talking, and I was mostly quiet, they started messing with me. I was standing on my bike and these guys took bike key and threw it on a small roof that you can climb up on. The other guy took my bike lock and locked my bike. I realize this shit isnt a big deal but who the fuck does that to someone they barely know? I never see people doing that to my other friends.

Anyone got any ideas? I think I am doing something subconsciously that might throw people off or some shit. Also will deffo read "How To Win Friends & Influence people".

[Centurion]

I just have to say from your posts you seem to have a real autistic/Asperger's vibe. I do too, so I know. I don't know if you have some other problem in addition to that or your autism just manifests itself in a way that makes people want to pick on you.

[tomzestatlu]

These situations seem to me a little bit like WTF. But what did you do about it? Beat the shit of them, they won´t do it next time

[LongDongSilver]

Stand up for yourself man, sock that mother fucker in the face. Nobody should disrespect you like that.

Dont go all kamikaze and try to little dark 30v1 or something, but when that kid gets in your face tell him fuck you punk and headbutt him or spit in his face, grow some balls.


Edit: try to be more respectful of people as well, why call that guy out about his parents , does it really matter where you guys walk? If you are being a mouthy twerp or something and deserve some grief then face the consequences, but if you are being bullied for no reason stand up for yourself at least verbally. The more i think about it you gotta be doing something a little obnoxious i dont see kids getting constantly bulldogged by different people for no reason.

Dont be anybodies bitch if you can safely avoid it. If its a over the top dangerous situation just bounce but you gotta make a stand some times.

[F1l1pV]

(06-19-2016 10:57 PM)Centurion Wrote:  

I just have to say from your posts you seem to have a real autistic/Asperger's vibe. I do too, so I know. I don't know if you have some other problem in addition to that or your autism just manifests itself in a way that makes people want to pick on you.

Yeah I am actually pretty sure I have aspergers or something. When I was 14 or so I was EXTREMELY awkward and had to closely watch how people acted and try to mimic it in order to fit in. Perhaps I do, I am not diagnosed though.

Also Tomzestatlu, I did nothing. To be honest, I am a bit of a pussy when it comes to fighting.

[F1l1pV]

(06-20-2016 05:14 AM)LongDongSilver Wrote:  

Stand up for yourself man, sock that mother fucker in the face. Nobody should disrespect you like that.

Dont go all kamikaze and try to little dark 30v1 or something, but when that kid gets in your face tell him fuck you punk and headbutt him or spit in his face, grow some balls.


Edit: try to be more respectful of people as well, why call that guy out about his parents , does it really matter where you guys walk? If you are being a mouthy twerp or something and deserve some grief then face the consequences, but if you are being bullied for no reason stand up for yourself at least verbally. The more i think about it you gotta be doing something a little obnoxious i dont see kids getting constantly bulldogged by different people for no reason.

Dont be anybodies bitch if you can safely avoid it. If its a over the top dangerous situation just bounce but you gotta make a stand some times.

I wasn't really calling him out. We were talking to a girl who just stopped by. She wasn't with out group so we were just chilling there for a bit and the guy just went around and started moaning about his parents. He was pretty much walking around and telling everyone that we need to move and when he came to me I told him to stop worrying. I didnt do it in a confrontational manner or anything, although I guess he experienced it that way. Then he smashed the drink up in my face and walked off. The thing is my friends act the same way, probably even worse than what I do and they never get any shit for it.

[tomzestatlu]

Start doing some martial arts. It will boost your confidence and you won´t let anybody treat you like they do. I am not saying you have to beat everyone (and definitely won´t be able to), but at least stand up for yourself and express you really dislike their behaviour. And when it comes to fight, you will see it´s not so bad and maybe you could like it. Even if you got beaten, the physical pain is much lesser, than psychical pain caused by doing nothing.

And maybe think about finding another friends. It´s ok to insult each other when we take it as a fun... but it must be taken as a fun from both sides.

[Ezio31]

F1l1pv, learn boxing, best thing there is for your physique and confidence. Loosen up and relax when you're out and about. You're out there, to have fun, after all.

[travolta]

You should seriously consider learning how to fight. Do something that will build your confidence. Your looking for a solution that will take years to figure out. Start now. Learn to fight, start working out. Also see a professional therapist. Learn basic social skills too. You'll get there, just expect it to take a while

[Clemmo]

I have a feeling it has to do with your body language and vocal tone that give off a submissive vibe. Not only learn martial arts. But also learn how to speak with a more confident and assertive vocal tone. Like record your voice to hear how you sound

[F1l1pV]

Yeah, I guess learning how to fight would be good. If you know that you can beat someone you probably get alot of confidence, especially if you are used to getting banged up a little. I think that shit rubs off on people subconsciously. I don't know if I truly have aspergers or if I am socially incompetent or something else. I have definetaly bettered alot over the years in terms of interacting with people socially. A year ago I couldn't even go up and talk to people I didn't know. Now I do it fairly easily.

I have actually considered martial arts for awhile believe it or not. I have a friend who does MMA and I have watched MMA for some time with my friend. I probably would've started doing it a year ago if I wasn't such a wuss lol.

Edit: I'd also like to add that the guy who smashed the drink in my face apologized to me today. He said he got mad and didn't know why. I wasn't particularly mad at him personally about it anyways, I am just annoyed at the fact that people always pick me out.

[ivansirko]

To add to the above advice (good advice),

Both women and men notice confidence. If people are picking on you it will take that much more work to pick up a lady. More confidence and all of it will change. We have all been there.

You dont need to do MMA. Learn a reasonable martial art. There are plenty of threads about which martial art to take up or boxing. You could do as simple as having a punch bag and practice every day.
Try taking up something that you haven't done before as a hobby. I learned a year ago how to ride a motorcycle and own a cruiser for example. People notice that and treat you different. A buddy of mine does skydiving.

I am also on the "spectrum" somewhere. I practice in public with people who require interaction with you to do business. Grocery Line, McDonalds, the local drug store. Try it with people who dont know you. You dont need to go all out of course but short conversations work out in the long run.

[Tapestry]

One thing about high-functioning autists, they seem to value the truth as they see it over everything. This is probably where you went wrong at the party (the beer in the face thing.) The guy was acting like a whiny bitch and you called him on it, told him not to worry. From your point of view, you were helping the guy by speaking the truth. But although it doesn't come naturally to autists, you have to train yourself to realize most people do not want to hear the truth the vast majority of the time. Also the truth is subjective in many cases. This trait, the lack of filter so to say, is also true of people with INTx personality types. It will never come naturally to them as it does to most people, however with time you can train yourself to fit in better. It's good to do this because the internet is littered with people complaining about how the "norms" simply should change for them. It's going to be a while.

Also, as a younger man you are operating in the realm of superficial popularity. Sounds like the guy that tossed the beer was hosting the party at his house. If so, he is already many times "more popular" than you are, and whether he's being a whiny bitch or not everyone is going to be on his side because of that fact. This is once again a social hierarchy thing that you will never probably pick up naturally but can train yourself to recognize. You don't go to a party and insult the host, even unintentionally, whether the host is Hugh Hefner or a whiny spoiled frat boy kid. A better way to play it might have been just to say "OK" and then ignore the whiny kids commands to hide from his non-materializing parents, you display a cool and uncaring demeanor without challenging the guy at the top of the temporary social hierarchy.

That being said, a drink in the face is a major insult and cannot go without reply. Although not applicable in a shady party situation a drink in the face is considered battery in the eyes of the law. I worked extensively in the bar business and although not too common I can tell you when someone pulled that they were out the door before they even knew what was happening to them. It's something no smart person does and is usually only seen in the movies. That's how I can tell that guy is young and doesn't know what he's doing. However for you to put up with it is equally sickening, it's on par with giving a mugger your wallet and then offering your PIN so he can use the credit cards. You're going to have to do some soul searching and a) learn how to avoid these situations in the first place and b) be prepared to stand up for yourself and in a way that keeps you on the right side of the law.

[tomzestatlu]

Do so many people suffer this Asperger/autism thing, or is it just caused by this era? I think that in the most cases, unability to socialize is only caused by spending whole life in front of computer.
Just cut off all video-games, serials, stupid films and nerdy hobbies, that gives you nothing useful to your life and begin to live in real world.

I used to play video-games a lot or watch serials, but I don´t do it anymore, because it´s waste of time. It´s nothing real, so it doesn´t give me anything, only takes my attention from important things.

[mogsy]

I would try to be more cautious over what you are saying to people you don't know well, perhaps you thought you were reassuring the guy but his personality combined with alcohol made him into an aggressive person.

These situations are less likely to happen if you have an attitude and body language that says don't mess with me or you'll get hurt.

[Khan]

(06-20-2016 08:39 AM)F1l1pV Wrote:  

Also Tomzestatlu, I did nothing. To be honest, I am a bit of a pussy when it comes to fighting.

In that case, hitting the gym and gaining some muscle is always a good option to pursue. Your confidence and posture will improve, people will respect you more, and they'll be less willing to mess with you.

I know how you feel because I had similar problems when I was in elementary school. I wasn't some outcast or anything, but people were regularly making fun of me. Later in life I learned a valuable lesson - if you look like a weakling and carry yourself poorly, people will treat you accordingly. It may sound unfair, but that's the law of the jungle out there.