[Agreddor]

This post comes from the introspection I did today about some recent events in my life.

I had a hard time growing up as a child because of my dysfunctional family and being bullied. I carried alot of rage and agression with me when I was a teenager and channeled that agression into the gym as I got older.

I found RVF, learnt game and focused on self-development. I read as I much as I can, learn foreign languages, travel, game whenever I can etc.

The membership advocates stoicism and part of that stoicism involves the management of one's emotions. I appear calm and composed when I encounter stressful/ unpleasant people/ circumstances, but I'm deep down I realise that I'm not as stoic as I thought.

Alot of things we do as adults come from behaviours we had as children. As a teenager, I was spiteful and harboured alot of resentment for the world. Despite all the personal development I've undertaken, this flaw in my character has followed me into adulthood. Deep down, my refusal to let things go and my lust for vengeance has made this boulder on my shoulder harder to hold. It feels heavier and heavier as I get older. Im in my early 20s and now that Im mindful of this, I dont wish to carry this constnat need for revenge any longer.

As individuals, our personality traits make us unique and individual. Many of you came to this forum as a result of the frustration that plagued you. For those of you who are excessively spiteful, constantly having revenge at the back of your mind is not healthy and will only strain your relationship with those around you. This is not to say that you shouldnt keep mental tabs on those who've fucked you over. Rather, a healthy balance is important for one's mental wellbeing.

[Anabasis to Desta]

Interesting.

What steps have you taken so far to get rid of that cloud of resentment?

[Agreddor]

(04-25-2016 01:24 PM)Anabasis to Desta Wrote:  

Interesting.

What steps have you taken so far to get rid of that cloud of resentment?

This is the first time I've become truly conscious that this resentment has followed me into adulthood.

Before this, I thought that I was indifferent to things happening beyond my control. Apparently not. By being resentful in response to an unpleasant event happening is my subconscious caring about the unpleasant thing that happened. On a very deep level, I still care alot about things beyond my control and that manifests itself in my spitefulness; I am not truly indifferent.

To answer your question: I havent figured out how to kill the resentful little boy that lives in my body, but I know that being aware of this is an important. I'm conscious of the reality that I live in. Without this awareness, I'll still be brooding in anger.

[RandomGuy1]

Nice post Agreddor, you're right with you explanation about vengeance.

I have learned that it's not useful for me to oppress this flaw in my character as it makes things only more bad. It helps me to view myself as a little kid from the outside which is angry about xxx. I just say to myself that it is only this little kid inside me which wants vengeance - not me - it's all good. If you develope this further it might end at the omnipresent ego I guess.

What helps you to prevail the upper hand over your vengeance Agreddor?

Edit: Saw your answer to Anabasis to late.

[Mercenary]

This depends a lot on what/who you are (or were) resentful about.

Many "bad" people and/or events from our past lose their importance as we mature and improve ourselves, others you realize were quite horrible but also absolutely necessary to become the person you are today....and, above all, there can always be 1 or 2 select things can burn so deeply inside you for years (or even decades) that they need to be sorted in a more definitive (positive !) way.

Learning to transform these very strong deep rooted emotions into a powerful motivating force can help improve (and define) who you are, more than many other things in life.


...

[Hannibal]

Not all anger is unjustified.

We live in a unique day and age when it is criminally illegal to beat someone's ass for mouthing off or being a bitch.

People are more rude and passive aggressive than ever now. I'm a very polite guy but certain sidetalking, HR job having desk jockeys can ruffle my feathers from time to time.

These people have an annoying and very intentional habit of occupying jobs where you have to interact with them at some point in your life.

In middleschool and highschool they were in the student council, or they started community service nonsense where they told you to pick up cans out of ditches. Maybe they organized some fat undersexed speaker to talk about the dangers of sex.

In college they were in numerous social organizations revolving around not drinking and not screwing around. I saw many of them on the "student jury" at college where if you have a penis, you're guilty as charged with no evidence what-so-ever.

In the workforce, they're desk jockeys in positions where in any sane world you wouldn't have to interact with them, but you're forced to here.

So some chair renting shrink told you that anger and resentment are bad. Who's to say it's not a natural reaction to an unnatural environment?

I'll admit, I too was bullied as a kid, but I don't resent my childhood bullies because it's a natural part of growing up and learning your place in the world. Bullies don't ever go away, so you might as well learn how to deal with them when you're learning the fastest, as a child.

It doesn't pay to stew in your rage, as most studies show (also in my own experience), thinking or talking about what makes you mad only makes you more mad more often. As gay as it sounds, sometimes it helps to reframe it in a sense of "Am I really going to care about this in a year or two? Will I even remember this event, or will I just remember that I was mad for some reason?"

[Anabasis to Desta]

^Spot on with the Student Government, RA and Student Council fags back in college. All of 'em have HR or some administrative jobs now. Would use each and every one of 'em for target practice.

[Agreddor]

(04-25-2016 02:23 PM)Hannibal Wrote:  

Not all anger is unjustified.

We live in a unique day and age when it is criminally illegal to beat someone's ass for mouthing off or being a bitch.

People are more rude and passive aggressive than ever now. I'm a very polite guy but certain sidetalking, HR job having desk jockeys can ruffle my feathers from time to time.

These people have an annoying and very intentional habit of occupying jobs where you have to interact with them at some point in your life.

In middleschool and highschool they were in the student council, or they started community service nonsense where they told you to pick up cans out of ditches. Maybe they organized some fat undersexed speaker to talk about the dangers of sex.

In college they were in numerous social organizations revolving around not drinking and not screwing around. I saw many of them on the "student jury" at college where if you have a penis, you're guilty as charged with no evidence what-so-ever.

In the workforce, they're desk jockeys in positions where in any sane world you wouldn't have to interact with them, but you're forced to here.

So some chair renting shrink told you that anger and resentment are bad. Who's to say it's not a natural reaction to an unnatural environment?

I'll admit, I too was bullied as a kid, but I don't resent my childhood bullies because it's a natural part of growing up and learning your place in the world. Bullies don't ever go away, so you might as well learn how to deal with them when you're learning the fastest, as a child.

It doesn't pay to stew in your rage, as most studies show (also in my own experience), thinking or talking about what makes you mad only makes you more mad more often. As gay as it sounds, sometimes it helps to reframe it in a sense of "Am I really going to care about this in a year or two? Will I even remember this event, or will I just remember that I was mad for some reason?"

Hannibal: I came to this conclusion myself without the help of a shrink.

You're right about not all anger being unjustified. I hear you on asking if you'll really care about this in a year or two, but im curious to know if there are any more dramatic measures you've developed to curb that anger when something is said/ done which gives you a sense of being justifiably wronged.

[Centurion]

(04-25-2016 02:30 PM)Anabasis to Desta Wrote:  

^Spot on with the Student Government, RA and Student Council fags back in college. All of 'em have HR or some administrative jobs now. Would use each and every one of 'em for target practice.

I don't know if those girls are hotter than average by US standards but they are for NZ and I'll bang them all.

And other Kiwis say I have high standards!

[Tapestry]

I'm not sure I agree with the sentiment of the post. Personally I find the lust for vengeance a powerful motivator for self-improvement, an antidote for the lack of inertia plaguing most men, if you will. Like it or not, there is a reason you were bullied, and you post comes very close to simply accepting it. If this is what your post is alluding to it is a mistake. You cannot forgive someone who has wronged you and has not asked for forgiveness. And even if they do, there are so many people in this world there is no reason to actively associate with someone who has. They simply move from an enemy into neutral territory. Turning the other cheek, don't hit him back, be the better man etc. are all mantras of SJW infested public schools and organized religions. If you are in line with their thinking you are wrong.

If however you are simply not dwelling on the past then that is a different, and I think healthy thing. But don't make the mistake of thinking that just because you let go of the past the future will be any different. If you do not analyze the reasons behind your past and adjust your future course accordingly, nothing is likely to change.

[Hannibal]

Control your breathing, so basically just slow it down and breathe deep.

Write down what's making you mad, but don't talk about it or "vent". Don't show anyone what you wrote until after you've gotten over it, not during. This isn't a "show and tell" kind of thing. Your little book or note is the perspective you will have when you've gotten over it and you can laugh at what you wrote.

My first girlfriend dumped me and I'll be completely honest, I was in a murderous rage about it for about a month. I wrote everything down from that point in time until I got over it. Every once in a while (it's been years since), I'll open the book and read those pages stained with fury and it makes me chuckle because I no longer give a fuck about my relationships now.

Go do some form of exercise, could be anything from riding bike to lifting weights.

Above all, occupy your thoughts with something else, videogames, reading a book, learning a new skill, whatever motivates you. The last thing you want to do is dwell on your rage for hours in your spare time.

Use this time to work on something else until you get over it or you forget about what pissed you off entirely.

"Talking about it" does nothing and usually makes it worse. Telling someone to calm down does negative nothing.

Women will use that whole shtick of "well you can't just bottle it up inside you you've got to let it out", but that way lies madness, they just want to feed off your strong emotions.

Learning how to control your anger is a skill that you develop over time and you don't get better at it by raging at your friends and family about your problems.

Usually all you'll get is limp dick responses and pantywaist solutions that don't make sense to you when you're getting drunk on anger.

[Mr. D]

(04-25-2016 01:48 PM)Agreddor Wrote:  

To answer your question: I havent figured out how to kill the resentful little boy that lives in my body, but I know that being aware of this is an important. I'm conscious of the reality that I live in. Without this awareness, I'll still be brooding in anger.

Here's the thing: You can't kill that resentful little boy. He's always going to be there, no matter what. At best, you can only calm him down and redirect him to focus on better things.

[Valentine]

(04-25-2016 03:21 PM)Mr. D Wrote:  

(04-25-2016 01:48 PM)Agreddor Wrote:  

To answer your question: I havent figured out how to kill the resentful little boy that lives in my body, but I know that being aware of this is an important. I'm conscious of the reality that I live in. Without this awareness, I'll still be brooding in anger.

Here's the thing: You can't kill that resentful little boy. He's always going to be there, no matter what. At best, you can only calm him down and redirect him to focus on better things.

Disagree. You can and must let go of that anger.



What benefit do you gain from this emotion?

I ask myself that every time I feel negative emotions.

There are only two things in life:
1) Events
2) Responses

We can't control events. Good shit happens, bad shit happens.

All we can control is our response to these events.

That is true self-mastery.

Read up on mindfulness e.g. Jon Kabat-Zinn. Meditate every morning, even if it's only for a few minutes. It's imperative to build this as a habit for your wellbeing.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy also is excellent at this, but first I'd focus on mindfulness. There's also a great thread on REBT on the forum too.

Let go of what you can't control.

Let go of the past that only exists in your mind.

What benefit do you gain from ruminating on it? None! It's only holding you back.

Stopping yourself from continuing negative thought patterns is a matter of will, so exercise that mastery of your emotions in every moment.

That is how you will continue to grow as a man.

Besides, we will all die someday very soon. The fuck does worrying about anything really matter? Life isn't that serious.

It's a game to be played with and made the most of. We all get dealt bad hands sometimes but fuck it, you've still got plenty of chips left.

[Tapestry]

You guys are completely brainwashed by the SJW cuckold elite. THE ONLY WAY TO GET OVER YOUR PAST FAILURES IS TO BECOME AN UNDISPUTED WINNER, AND TO GAIN ENOUGH POWER TO DISPENSE JUSTICE TO THOSE YOU SEE FIT. You can let go of the past, forgive others, move on etc., etc., etc. It means precisely dick. The world will continue to treat you the same whether you forgive, forget, or jerk off. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Accept reality, or not.

[Agreddor]

(04-26-2016 12:08 AM)Tapestry Wrote:  

You guys are completely brainwashed by the SJW cuckold elite. THE ONLY WAY TO GET OVER YOUR PAST FAILURES IS TO BECOME AN UNDISPUTED WINNER, AND TO GAIN ENOUGH POWER TO DISPENSE JUSTICE TO THOSE YOU SEE FIT. You can let go of the past, forgive others, move on etc., etc., etc. It means precisely dick. The world will continue to treat you the same whether you forgive, forget, or jerk off. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Accept reality, or not.

You've misconstrued the purpose of this post.

This is about being as stoic as possible and not letting external events beyond one's control shake that stoic foundation. This is not an admission of failure, its simply a goal to not be vengeful, to nip the slow-burn anger in the bud. Not seeking revenge isn't forgiving or forgetting either. It simply means that you're mature enough to know that something isnt worth your time or the mental space for revenge.

How does this translate to being brainwashed?

[Agreddor]

(04-25-2016 07:08 PM)Valentine Wrote:  

(04-25-2016 03:21 PM)Mr. D Wrote:  

(04-25-2016 01:48 PM)Agreddor Wrote:  

To answer your question: I havent figured out how to kill the resentful little boy that lives in my body, but I know that being aware of this is an important. I'm conscious of the reality that I live in. Without this awareness, I'll still be brooding in anger.

Here's the thing: You can't kill that resentful little boy. He's always going to be there, no matter what. At best, you can only calm him down and redirect him to focus on better things.

Disagree. You can and must let go of that anger.



What benefit do you gain from this emotion?

I ask myself that every time I feel negative emotions.

There are only two things in life:
1) Events
2) Responses

We can't control events. Good shit happens, bad shit happens.

All we can control is our response to these events.

That is true self-mastery.

Read up on mindfulness e.g. Jon Kabat-Zinn. Meditate every morning, even if it's only for a few minutes. It's imperative to build this as a habit for your wellbeing.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy also is excellent at this, but first I'd focus on mindfulness. There's also a great thread on REBT on the forum too.

Let go of what you can't control.

Let go of the past that only exists in your mind.

What benefit do you gain from ruminating on it? None! It's only holding you back.

Stopping yourself from continuing negative thought patterns is a matter of will, so exercise that mastery of your emotions in every moment.

That is how you will continue to grow as a man.

Besides, we will all die someday very soon. The fuck does worrying about anything really matter? Life isn't that serious.

It's a game to be played with and made the most of. We all get dealt bad hands sometimes but fuck it, you've still got plenty of chips left.

[Agreddor]

(04-25-2016 02:57 PM)Hannibal Wrote:  

Control your breathing, so basically just slow it down and breathe deep.

Write down what's making you mad, but don't talk about it or "vent". Don't show anyone what you wrote until after you've gotten over it, not during. This isn't a "show and tell" kind of thing. Your little book or note is the perspective you will have when you've gotten over it and you can laugh at what you wrote.

My first girlfriend dumped me and I'll be completely honest, I was in a murderous rage about it for about a month. I wrote everything down from that point in time until I got over it. Every once in a while (it's been years since), I'll open the book and read those pages stained with fury and it makes me chuckle because I no longer give a fuck about my relationships now.

Go do some form of exercise, could be anything from riding bike to lifting weights.

Above all, occupy your thoughts with something else, videogames, reading a book, learning a new skill, whatever motivates you. The last thing you want to do is dwell on your rage for hours in your spare time.

Use this time to work on something else until you get over it or you forget about what pissed you off entirely.

"Talking about it" does nothing and usually makes it worse. Telling someone to calm down does negative nothing.

Women will use that whole shtick of "well you can't just bottle it up inside you you've got to let it out", but that way lies madness, they just want to feed off your strong emotions.

Learning how to control your anger is a skill that you develop over time and you don't get better at it by raging at your friends and family about your problems.

Usually all you'll get is limp dick responses and pantywaist solutions that don't make sense to you when you're getting drunk on anger.

[Matt Warner]

Older guy. I try to do two things. Day to day stuff don't react aggressively, self control its not easy sometimes. I try to avoid aggression. Plus I'm not a big guy and you don't know who has mates around or a knife or whatever.

However I was double crossed in a business deal last year and I did return the favour. Not in a violent manner but I think its a good thing pricks getting a taste of their own medicine. Just take your time and do it calmly.

[Kamikaze]

(04-25-2016 11:34 AM)Agreddor Wrote:  

For those of you who are excessively spiteful, constantly having revenge at the back of your mind is not healthy and will only strain your relationship with those around you.

Man. How accurate.

"Hate" and negative emotions can be an extremely strong motivator for some. A lot of people can be very successful because of this.

Intrinsic motivation can be very hard to come by, and sometimes hate is the easiest path there. Otherwise, being motivated extrinsically requires you to be in a perfect, cushy system where you're positively rewarded for all the great things you do. Of course, this means you must work within a system, i.e. a boss, and not create your own.

So I understand the value of hate, more than a lot of people. But it gets tiring as hell to be around people like that. They will really hold on to even the slightest of shade thrown at them years after the fact. Negative energy just brings you down.

As for trying to be more positive in the face of people testing my patience, I find Patrice O'Neal's advice to have worked the best for me. Just like when a woman spouts off some BS, about anything, the way to get her to shut the fuck up is just to ask 'Why?' Ask her to explain yourself.

This strategy comes from your own intrinsic impetus to ask yourself 'Why?' for everything. Most people do not have a strong philosophy of life to back up their own actions, but I do. That puts me at an advantage. Why do people act the way they act? Why has passive-aggressiveness and bitch behavior been on the rise in millenials? Because society is largely becoming feminized. We worship women and their ways. Luckily, on this forum we understand women more than others. So we should be able to understand where society is moving, and our daily interactions, a lot more than the idiots we interact with on a daily basis.

I have come to accept that women and men alike will act like catty bitches all the time. I just remember 'why' that is, accept it, and move forward. It's their loss anyway.

And, more than anything, what bitches hate the most is indifference. When someone who is being passive-aggressive towards you has even the slightest whiff that they've actually made you lose sleep over something they did, it's like throwing gas on a fire for them. They're licking their chops. Both women and bitch-made men.

You can't show them you are affected. And if you understand where they're coming from and why they act the way they do, you shouldn't be affected at all. Or at least a lot less.

[Bury Zenek]

I've also read somewhere (Chinese medicine?) that keeping grudges and anger is related to the forming of cancers.

[Mr. D]

(04-25-2016 07:08 PM)Valentine Wrote:  

(04-25-2016 03:21 PM)Mr. D Wrote:  

(04-25-2016 01:48 PM)Agreddor Wrote:  

To answer your question: I havent figured out how to kill the resentful little boy that lives in my body, but I know that being aware of this is an important. I'm conscious of the reality that I live in. Without this awareness, I'll still be brooding in anger.

Here's the thing: You can't kill that resentful little boy. He's always going to be there, no matter what. At best, you can only calm him down and redirect him to focus on better things.

Disagree. You can and must let go of that anger.



What benefit do you gain from this emotion?

I ask myself that every time I feel negative emotions.

There are only two things in life:
1) Events
2) Responses

We can't control events. Good shit happens, bad shit happens.

All we can control is our response to these events.

That is true self-mastery.

Read up on mindfulness e.g. Jon Kabat-Zinn. Meditate every morning, even if it's only for a few minutes. It's imperative to build this as a habit for your wellbeing.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy also is excellent at this, but first I'd focus on mindfulness. There's also a great thread on REBT on the forum too.

Let go of what you can't control.

Let go of the past that only exists in your mind.

What benefit do you gain from ruminating on it? None! It's only holding you back.

Stopping yourself from continuing negative thought patterns is a matter of will, so exercise that mastery of your emotions in every moment.

That is how you will continue to grow as a man.

Besides, we will all die someday very soon. The fuck does worrying about anything really matter? Life isn't that serious.

It's a game to be played with and made the most of. We all get dealt bad hands sometimes but fuck it, you've still got plenty of chips left.

Well said and very good points, but I still feel I should elucidate my post. But not too much, otherwise I'll go blind.

I was referring to the "inner child"-concept. In a nutshell, it is the childlike aspect of the persona, which includes all we learned before puberty,
denoting "a semi-independent entity subordinate to the waking conscious mind". ( Wikipedia )

John Bradshaw's "Healing The Shame That Binds You" introduced me to this concept, so I'll paraphrase from that.

Quote:

This child is a metaphor for that part of us that houses our blocked emotional energy. This energy is especially blocked when we have experienced severe abuse.
In order to reconnect with the wounded and hurt child, we have to go back and re-experience the emotions that were blocked, as they first occurred.
The unmet and unresolved dependency needs must be re-educated with new lessons and corrective experiences.

Our lost childhood must be grieved. Our compulsions are the result of old blocked feelings being acted out over and over again.
We either work these feelings out by re-experiencing them or we act them as compulsions, depression, suicide, or we project them onto others as interpersonal strategies for transferring shame.

and

Quote:

Trauma is bound to happen somewhere along the way in any normal childhood. In a healthy, respectful family a child's feelings are validated.
As Alice Miller has repeatedly written, "It is not the trauma we suffer in childhood that makes us emotionally ill, but the inability to express the trauma".
When a child is abandoned through neglect, abuse or enmeshment, there is outrage over the hurt and pain. Children need their pain validated.
They need to be shown how to discharge their feelings. They need the time to do the discharge work and they need support.
An abandoned child would not necessarily become shame-based if there was a nourishing ally who could validate his pain and give him time to resolve it by doing his grief work.

So, to reiterate: You can't kill that resentful little boy. But you can acknowledge him, his woes and be a friend (or better parent) to him.

I second what Hannibal said in his post about writing stuff down. It worked for me.
That and late-night drives around the countryside, middle of nowhere by myself, ranting and screaming my head off, á la primal therapy.

You can let go of the past, you just have to acknowledge it first. Otherwise it's just going to pop back into your reality and fuck your shit up.





And I know what I just wrote seems a bit touchy-feely, but you can't cop a feel without a touch.

[RatInTheWoods]

You don't have to wallow and obsess over revenge, anger and hatred.

But do not forgive, forget and pass up an opportunity to be the rightful living personification of retribution and Kama if the opportunity comes, and it nearly always does in my experience...

[KevCapitalist]

In my eyes revenge can be a great motivating factor, so long as it's not based on a personal spite. You can find a purpose in it so long as you make it about focusing on what factors would prevent the same from happening to others you care about. I was abused in the school system. My abuser is retired & I graduated years ago, it ain't about me nor them. It's about working against a system without proper boundaries to prevent such things from happening.

Regulating negative emotions is so you can reserve your passions for key moments. Such as during negotiations or making a case for your fight. I'd only bury them if I couldn't trust myself to control them. And even then you might need 'rage' if you ever end up in a fight-or-flight scenario.. everything has its purpose.

[Burt Gummer]

Personally I find vengeance to be a wonderful motivator.

But I keep it on the backburner