[XPQ22]

I've been in a casual relationship with two girls I met from online dating for about a month, month and a half.

Both of them have their charms, but the problem is that I just don't feel either of them are what I'd like for a longer-term arrangement. Sort of like how online dating goes into periodic slumps, say in the winter, when girls want to hibernate and just stay in with the guy(s) they have on lock and not meet new people, I'm worried about myself falling into a rut and not approaching (whether it be in cyberspace or the real world), because I'm comfortable and don't want to put in much effort, even though the situation isn't ideal. It's also getting to the point that they're both demanding more of my time and pressing for "girlfriend" type activities, which I really don't want to invest much more into.

My experience last year with online game is that it really blows up in the summer. In a place like this with harsh winters, I bet day and night game are a lot more productive too. I didn't really experiment with the latter type seriously last summer, and want some free time to take a stab at it again.

But it still feels a lot like winter here, and for the moment girls still seem to be in hibernation mode. Spring can be really rainy. It will probably be mid to late May before things are consistently pleasant enough that the horny girls start really looking around like they were last year.

So I want to be ready for that, but if I'm still banging these girls at that point they're likely going to be either more attached or more demanding than they are now, that is if they haven't already nexted me themselves for not committing. The question is, should I wipe things now and get it over with, or hold on for the sake of holding on, at least until the summer, because it's something? Or something else entirely?

[Rhyme or Reason]

These all seem to be questions you should ask / answer yourself...we can't tell you what you want.

[ThundercockVeritas]

I'd keep the plates for now, but work dilligently on looking for a new one. Replace old with new or retain new with the old until you make a final decision. This way you're likely to always have something in rotation, and you'll avoid an extended dry spell.

[PapayaTapper]

This belongs in the mental masturbation thread...not worthy of it's own

[XPQ22]

(04-13-2016 04:43 PM)PapayaTapper Wrote:  

This belongs in the mental masturbation thread...not worthy of it's own

Alright, so rather than being all existential, let me bring up a more concrete issue.

One of the girls has started pushing harder for exclusivity. I've heard lines to the following effect dropped on me at one time or another in the past two weeks or so:

"I'm not really spending much time going on dates at the moment."
"I only started back into online dating over the summer."
"I didn't really like most of the guys I met."
"When I first started online dating four years ago, it seemed different."
"The last guy I fucked from online dating I really liked, but he didn't stick around."

After sex:

"Something we probably should talk about."

<insert long dread-bomb pause of about 30 seconds>

"So what's the plan for us?"

I've managed to brush off most of these statements to the best of my ability, but it's beginning to begin onerous. So since I am a newbie for the most part, and I've certainly never tried to juggle two FWBs before, my question is simply if one of the more experienced gents were in a similar situation and heard similar lines (from a girl they didn't feel was appropriate for a LTR for various reasons), would they next early and often, or at this point would that be throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

I'm not looking for a "right" or "wrong" answer here for my own situation, just experiences to calibrate my personal decision from, as I have no track record that will give me sufficient data to make an informed choice. An answer of "have an abundance mentality do whatever you want" is fine as far as it goes, but at least for me at the moment, finding fairly attractive girls who are willing to engage in this type of relationship does require significant effort, so there's often an opportunity cost (sex cost!) to just doing whatever.

[Rhyme or Reason]

Quote:

finding fairly attractive girls who are willing to engage in this type of relationship does require significant effort, so there's often an opportunity cost (sex cost!) to just doing whatever.

I'll refer you to my above post. What do you want? You are the only one who can accurately weigh the cost / benefit here. We aren't in your situation. We can't tell you what's worth your time and effort.

Quote:

I've managed to brush off most of these statements to the best of my ability, but it's beginning to begin onerous.

Is it grating on you enough so that you don't enjoy smashing this chick anymore? If so, there's your answer. I had a similar thing happen last week. This chick who "never catches feelings" came out and said we "shouldn't see each other anymore" because she "really likes me" and that "wasn't part of the plan"

My response: "I understand."

And that was it. I didn't text her nor did I plan on it. She ended up hitting me up that night and coming over to get banged out again. Since then she's shut up about that emotional BS.

The point is, the worst thing you can do is actually address her concerns when she brings up the whole "what are we" crap. Don't indulge her attempts to rope you into a hamsterfest. By having "the talk" with her you're playing into her frame.

Quote:

would they next early and often, or at this point would that be throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

Just decide on your own if it's worth dealing with her and act accordingly. But it's a mistake to be asking us what you want, because again only you can decide that. Stop worrying about what a "master pua" would do and just figure out what the hell you want.

Love of theory is the root of all evil.

[XPQ22]

(04-13-2016 05:34 PM)Red_Pillage Wrote:  

Just decide on your own if it's worth dealing with her and act accordingly. But it's a mistake to be asking us what you want, because again only you can decide that. Stop worrying about what a "master pua" would do and just figure out what the hell you want.

Love of theory is the root of all evil.

Thank you. What I want, then: to continue hitting it casually until she herself puts her foot down and nexts me herself, or a girl whom I feel more worthy of my long-term affections turns up and the logistics/time expenditure in the current situation (if it continues along as usual) becomes impossible to maintain.

I suppose the question that's then really more appropriate for me to explore (which has likely been asked a thousand times before so I don't expect it to be addressed in any detail here) is how to manage to not be dragged into her frame on such issues.

[Rhyme or Reason]

Quote:

I suppose the question that's then really more appropriate for me to explore (which has likely been asked a thousand times before so I don't expect it to be addressed in any detail here) is how to manage to not be dragged into her frame on such issues.

This highlights the difference between pretending not to care and actually not caring. When you don't care....well, you don't care.

[XPQ22]

(04-13-2016 05:44 PM)Red_Pillage Wrote:  

This highlights the difference between pretending not to care and actually not caring. When you don't care....well, you don't care.

For me, not caring has always been a fairly difficult row to hoe. Probably part of the reason I didn't end up here until my 30s.

[Rhyme or Reason]

Her feelings are her problem, not yours. Be less empathetic. Imagine if the roles were reversed, and you were the one who caught feelings, and brought up the "what are we" discussion.


Do you really think she'd show as much empathy for your feelings as you are for hers?

[XPQ22]

(04-13-2016 05:53 PM)Red_Pillage Wrote:  

Her feelings are her problem, not yours. Be less empathetic. Imagine if the roles were reversed, and you were the one who caught feelings, and brought up the "what are we" discussion.

Do you really think she'd show as much empathy for your feelings as you are for hers?

"Eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" is sometimes the way I feel. Dumping the empathy and playing tit-for-tat is always a difficult proposition, since I've spent quite a few posts on this forum thinking about female narcissism, and lack of empathy is the primary characteristic of the pathological form of that disorder.

Of course, the alternative to not being able to distance oneself emotionally may be fewer relationships, less sex, and more drama overall when they inevitably come to an end.

[ThundercockVeritas]

(04-13-2016 05:53 PM)Red_Pillage Wrote:  

Her feelings are her problem, not yours. Be less empathetic. Imagine if the roles were reversed, and you were the one who caught feelings, and brought up the "what are we" discussion.


Do you really think she'd show as much empathy for your feelings as you are for hers?

^ This. In general, girls are not going to care about your feelings, even when they claim they do. You're on the verge of caring too much... which is especially silly, considering you're about to dump these chicks.

[PapayaTapper]

How many muscle groups does it take to ignore a woman's shit?

None.

It's wonder then how little that really easy technique is effectively used

[XPQ22]

(04-13-2016 06:45 PM)ThundercockVeritas Wrote:  

^ This. In general, girls are not going to care about your feelings, even when they claim they do. You're on the verge of caring too much... which is especially silly, considering you're about to dump these chicks.

If I'm honest with myself, I'm fairly certain from the interactions I've had with her that:

1) she's been doing online dating a lot longer than she likes to be frank about

2) she in fact is keeping her profile active and chatting/meeting up with/getting banged by other guys, if not right this second in quite recent history, despite her protestations to the contrary

c) if I were for some lunatic reason to deactivate my profiles and become "exclusive" with her, she would continue to keep an active presence somewhere and girl-game on as usual.

I don't believe every last online girl in the world is like this, but I don't feel that this particular girl is any exception to the conventional wisdom about girls with long-term online dating presences.