[vytas80]

One usually does not post family questions on game forum, but wisdom of this community goes beyond game.

I am 35, have a quality woman living with me (not legally married). We are expecting a newborn son in a few weeks.

As I am transitioning into fatherhood and contemplate how can I do my best as a head of family unit, I find the lack of quality masculine advice. Mainstream literature just sucks. Not too many good roles-models among fathers I know close enough either.

I would appreciate if someone could share worthwhile books, blogs and other readings on this topic. And if there are fathers here: "What are your 3-5 ground rules, that you stick to religiously?"

[Phoenix]

My guess would be to acquire older books on the topic. Avoid anything mainstream written in the last 20 years like the plague. 100 years ago and beyond is probably OK. Even go as far back as Aristotle for questions of ethics etc.

No.1 source is basically biographies though. Get a stack of biographies of successful men, and study about their childhoods. Any lessons you learn from that you can apply.

I think one of the biggest mistakes fathers make is indulging in their fatherhood. They get this idea that they have to supply rails on their kid's life, "be there for them", be controlling and be Mr Advice etc. If you actually look at most successful men, they didn't have any molly coddling in their childhood. Rockefeller's father was known to deliberately do the opposite: he would do his best to cheat his sons in various little 'business deals' with them, to harden them up for the real world. Masayoshi Son was off getting advice from the boss of McDonald's Japan when he was 16 -- not asking daddy. Chung Ju-yung repeatedly ran away from his father's subsistence farm, eventually succeeding in escaping him, leading him from a birth of poverty, to a death with $60B in assets.

This idea of a set of ground rules that you stick to religiously, sounds like the wrong tone to start off on. It sounds like the desire to control, something that often pleasures a father, but hurts a son. Fatherhood should be about a set of guiding principles (centrally: to maximize the child's development in aid of his future success), not imposition of rules upon him for the sake of rules. Being a father is no real qualification to provide advice, frankly. Were I a father, my primary guiding principle would be "defer to the wisest amongst men". Which I guess from your questions is kind of what you're trying to find.

[kinnikinik]

OK.. so I don't know if these are "red-pill" or just common sense, but what has worked for me is:

I've always thought that keeping it simple but firm was the best policy...
1. Never, ever contradict each other. (If one of you says "NO" the other NEVER says "Yes". The two of you can talk in private and you can change your mind, but don't allow the kids to play you off against each other.)
2. Have a "safe word". When you argue, if one of you uses the safeword, the discussion is OVER until the next day. No ifs, ands or buts, you both shut up and separate. (Both my wife and I liked to drink (I quit, but that's another story) and we both have tempers. Our fights pre-kids were legendary. However, when you have kids, fights scare the shit out of them so you have to prevent things from spiraling. ) We've used the "safe-word" for 20 years now and the only times we've come close to getting divorced were twice, when she ignored the safeword and kept coming. Seriously, this is probably the best idea I've ever had!
3. Decide your priorities and stick with them. For us, Family, Education, Adventure are what we prioritize. We do things together. I coach the kids teams (baseball, basketball, robotics) and we always have a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) in play (currently we are learning rafting in order to raft the Grand Canyon as a family).
4. Excellence is the objective. In school, Straight A's. In Robotics, world championships. Whatever we decide to do, we try to become excellent by putting in the extra hours. Many people are horrified but our motto is "It's not about fun, it's about winning!"

Those are our keys... I'm interested to hear what others have focused on.

[samsamsam]

(03-31-2016 12:20 PM)Phoenix Wrote:  

My guess would be to acquire older books on the topic. Avoid anything mainstream written in the last 20 years like the plague. 100 years ago and beyond is probably OK. Even go as far back as Aristotle for questions of ethics etc.

No.1 source is basically biographies though. Get a stack of biographies of successful men, and study about their childhoods. Any lessons you learn from that you can apply.

I think one of the biggest mistakes fathers make is indulging in their fatherhood. They get this idea that they have to supply rails on their kid's life, "be there for them", be controlling and be Mr Advice etc. If you actually look at most successful men, they didn't have any molly coddling in their childhood. Rockefeller's father was known to deliberately do the opposite: he would do his best to cheat his sons in various little 'business deals' with them, to harden them up for the real world. Masayoshi Son was off getting advice from the boss of McDonald's Japan when he was 16 -- not asking daddy. Chung Ju-yung repeatedly ran away from his father's subsistence farm, eventually succeeding in escaping him, leading him from a birth of poverty, to a death with $60B in assets.

This idea of a set of ground rules that you stick to religiously, sounds like the wrong tone to start off on. It sounds like the desire to control, something that often pleasures a father, but hurts a son. Fatherhood should be about a set of guiding principles (centrally: to maximize the child's development in aid of his future success), not imposition of rules upon him for the sake of rules. Being a father is no real qualification to provide advice, frankly. Were I a father, my primary guiding principle would be "defer to the wisest amongst men". Which I guess from your questions is kind of what you're trying to find.

This sounds bad of me but I have thought of how I would raise my kids and one idea was to have his friends borrow money from them and never pay it back good stuff Phoenix.

[TheMaleBrain]

Learning from my "not too good experience", which I now compensate, I would give the following advice:
1. The women is going to be tired as hell, messed up from lack of sleep and hormones.
What you need to do - Accept it at first. Then put boundaries.
Also - tell her that in advance.
2. Be sure to have help - family, friends or whoever.
Both of you are going to be tired and cranky. Make sure you get some sleep.
3. Own your domain, and make her own hers.
You divide the work - she needs to cook/clean/do laundry (or whatever), and you deal with bills/car/garden (or whatever).
You can assist her sometimes, but not every time.
4. Schedule a vacation without the newborn in 3-6 months
You are going to need it.
5. Accept that life has changed
But keep dominating her.

Good luck