Dear Gentlemen,
I come to you for advice. This will be a long post and sadly due to the nature of the content I do not believe I will be able to make a TLDR version of it. That is why I warn beforehand – WARNING LONG POST AHEAD! As an addendum I would also like to add that English is not my native language, so please excuse any kind of spelling or syntax errors and if some sentences do not make sense do point them out so I may clarify them better in a reply.
I am 24 years old, from Slovenia who is slowly finishing Med School. Before I will pose my questions I’ll tell you about me with the hopes that it will help you understand my situation better.
Both my father and mother are physicians.
My mother comes from a simple family whose father was a bit of a drunkard (he passed away) and her mother a manipulative scheming woman who nags and heckles her even today. They lived in a small village in the ‘Middle of Nowhere’ location of our country which was known for alcoholism and general despair. They commuted to the city where we currently live for work and school (and this was 35 years ago), which means that every week they took a 5 – 6 hour one – way trip Monday morning and Friday afternoon on rocky roads in a shitty car (Yugo, because in Yugoslavia you almost could not get or afford anything else). She is used to hardship and hard work.
Father comes from a diametrical opposing family. Think high, middle – class types with a very nice and big old rustic home whose family members consisted of mostly intelligentsia types: engineers, physicians, dentists, architects and so on. As a child he was pampered and given everything by his mother. His father was an academic through and through. Mostly thinking about the state of the nation and the barbarism of the Communistic Regime he was more concerned with the actions of the State against the Church as he was also a deeply religious man. Because grandfather was an outspoken Catholic in a country where it was forbidden to believe they were under surveillance and once or twice their home was broken into with all the drawers flung open and papers lying on the floor. My father and uncle never really received any kind of fatherly guidance. Grandfather was too much of a choleric type. He’d either scream or simply not deal with it.
My parents met in high school. There was some friction between the families as my great grandmother thought her to be too ‘lowly’ in order to date my father whereas my grandmother on my mother’s side was just being a general pain in the ass. Even so they stayed together and went to Croatia where they studied and finished Med School.
I’ve never had a good relationship with my father. He is a very demanding type. From when I can remember I had to be ‘perfect’. Failure was not allowed. My grades had to be perfect as was my sport score (he was also a gifted athlete). When I was 10 I visited tennis, water – polo, hockey, gymnastics, English language class, German language class and Religious class at the same time. The things I’ve shown an interest in such as reading certain books or playing video games in order to relieve myself a bit from the stress were either scoffed at or we argued about it for hours. In high school every half an hour or so he’d knock on my door or come into my room and get angry at me if I was not learning or doing what he wanted me to do.
Funnily my mother was, again, the exact opposite. To make a long story short she gave me everything I wanted and more or less opposed my father on every decision he would make as long as I can remember. Because of her nurturing nature she always gave me sweets or took me to McDonalds which is why I got fat as a kid and that infuriated my dad. This would cause a lot of arguments and unnecessary screaming.
I never really did have any kind of Father – Son talk with my father. Whenever I would have tried he’d either back away, change the subject or get angry with me using sentences like ‘Why are you not learning? Instead of this why can’t you use your time more productively and get better grades?’.
When high school came around I had good enough grades to get accepted into a Sports Class. I was not the best sportsman but I have to say that I shed the pounds nicely and gained a nice athletic muscular body. After 4 years I’m proud to say that I’ve made it from the lower 20% to the upper 20%. Alas in my mind I was a total ‘blue – pill’. Kind, friendly and a good listener I was the perfect Friend Zone Material. Though I did get a kiss here or there I was never able to seduce a girl or lock her down. This did make me angry but I did not really know how to deal with it and just said to myself that I’ll find my girl when I get to Med School.
Med School was really a no brainer for me but it was not really a conscious decision. More go with the flow like as everybody was expecting me to become a physician and when you are 18 years old you don’t really possess the wealth of knowledge or experience to make a rational judgment.
I met my current girlfriend when I was 17 years old after getting rejected on another girl the previous day. On that day I swore that girls are not worth my time and I’ll just simply stop giving a shit. It seems that this unlocked, unbeknownst to me, certain ‘Red Pillish’ behavior that night which enabled me to hook up with her in the club we met. She is three years older than me and studies languages and Pedagogy.
I would describe her as 7,5 face and 8 body. Like my mother she also worked on a family farm while she was visiting school and studying. Ha-ha, Freud much, eh? Her personality likewise was like my mothers, strong, honest and assertive. But she also possesses a very kind soul, knows how to cook, clean, and loves animals and kids. Again – like my mother. Dear, oh dear, too much Freud.
She is my first girlfriend and also the woman I lost my virginity to.
Fast forward 5 years. The times I’ve spent with her are filled with good memories and I cherish them. The sex is good; she is a freak in bed that does more or less everything I want her to do. To be honest it was more of my problem that we were not wilder because being Blue Pill without any kind of previous experience I just, honestly, did not know what the fuck to do except the basic stuff.
Sometimes she would act like a bitch but this was more my problem because I did not know how to deal with these ‘Shit Tests’. Manosphere material simply does not exist in any kind of form in Slovenia.
One day when she was finishing her paperwork in order to present her bachelor for which she worked about a year on with diligence and hard sweat her professor told her that he would not approve as on the last moment he did not deem it to pass the required quality. This would mean that all her hard work would be flushed down the toilet and she would have to wait basically one whole year to get a chance again. She panicked, was sobbing, crying, screaming and walking around hopelessly. Not knowing what to do or how to calm her down as I was a 20 years old Blue Pill at the time I said that we’ll pull through together this time and all the next times as I plan to marry and have kids with her. She looked me into the eyes and said if I mean it and I said yes.
I really did and still do.
Then three years ago (2013) things have gotten very… turbulent, to say the least. The relationship between my mother and father was never good to begin with. But as every child I did not think much of it. I was used to their constant bickering between each other, the yelling and screaming and just thought this is how thing were going to be. Then I’ve started to see changes in my mother. She became sadder and sadder, could not sleep, lost weight and I was seeing my father less and less as he was on frequent business trips. The signs were clear but I did not see them or maybe I did not want to see them. In summer everything came out at once. My father was having an affair and they will separate. I was in the middle of my exams and it hit me like a truck.
I did not know really what to do, what to feel, how to act, what to say. Paradoxically with all the chaos that was swirling inside of me I just felt empty. Black and empty. Total fucking black hole. I’ll always remember how my father broke the news. Invited me to a coffee, said he was seeing another woman, showed me his new apartment and then went away. No explanation, no whys or possibilities of saving the relationship with mom. That was it. After he went away I’ve started hearing other stories about him having affairs with other women. Interestingly how all these things float up to the surface while they were down on the ground of the ocean for so long.
I could not study medicine anymore. It lost all meaning to me. I identified medicine with my family. Did it because I had to do, because I was mean to. But now I just could not. Father, ‘understandably’ was not very pleased. He tried to yell at me, scream or sarcastically pose questions such as ‘Why are you making such a big deal about this? Why are you not studying? Do you really think that with all the things that are happening in this world that you are experiencing hardship?’ He stopped after I grabbed his shoulder and said if he ever said these things again that I’d punch him no matter the damn consequences.
My mother naturally was a train wreck. She’d been faithful to him for more than 30 years. Besides that he left her with the house and all the bills to take care for. And my little brother. Little kid was really hit hard by all of this. Didn’t speak or did so very rarely for the next couple of months because at the time he was 15 and I believe this to be a very delicate time in the development of a young man.
My girlfriend offered me to stay at their farm for a couple of weeks in order to get my shit together and get away from it all. I gladly accepted.
This is when the most interesting thing happened.
Two weeks after my parents split her father also decided to leave. He left her and her mother with a big ass farm which spans a couple of hectares, 4 houses and a shit ton of work needed to be done. And an apartment in the city. With all the bills of course. Just like that. He just drove away without saying a word into his new house which he built while saying that he never had money when they asked him if they could go on a trip somewhere or buy some new furniture.
Of course you must be thinking what kinds of women were these people that drove these two men away? But Slovenia is not the U.S. and A. Women here, while they can pretend to be as bitchy as they like in clubs, cannot afford to be total vile bitches like in the States. The reason is simple. Our nation is simply too poor to accommodate woman with so much as the U.S.A. Men also earn way less which means that things like multimillion alimonies or multiple houses or guaranteed child custodies are more or less a pipedream. Men still hold a lot of power. Though it has started to change a bit it cannot progress a lot because the economy is simply in the gutters.
What I wish to say is that the women who were left were not vile or evil. I will personally stake my honor and body for this statement. Having lived with my mother and with my girlfriend’s family I’ve seen all of the work they had to do. Cooking, cleaning, preparing, building, carrying and so on. Such things can be faked at the beginning of the relationship. But not so long or so diligently.
Two men who should have guided me or acted as mentors have left me with three women broken in spirit and body and a little child who shut up while I was 23 years old. None of them knew how to handle the checks or if they will be able to make through the month. Money was scarce and there are not that many agencies or programs which help women. I lost all interest in medicine and thought that this was it – I will not be able to finish it and dad can howl all as he wishes. I simply lost interest.
I lost interest in everything pretty much. After struggling for 5 months and playing games with both my father and her father in order to try and get them to send some money or help the proceedings a bit smoother I simply wanted to quit. I contemplated suicide… and almost got through it.
One night, while I was alone in my home as my girlfriend was on ERASMUS+ which she used in order to get away from it all (on my advice because I was really out of options or advices then), I took a knife and pointed the tip onto the area of my heart. Still remember how I recalled pictures of the heart from my anatomy classes. Where it is, at what angle it is positioned and where lay the main blood vessels. When push came to shove though my mind went black. I just could not do it. I got pictures of her and my brother in my mind. They were vivid and very real. Putting the knife down I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I remembered how dark the room was. How ominous everything looked. Felt like a little kid again. I was scared.
After this I’ve got professional counseling. What saved me though – was the Manosphere. I don’t really remember how I found Return of Kings or this forum to be honest. First I stumbled onto the MGTOW movement because I searched something akin being fed up with women as I was with the constant sobbing, whining and general hopelessness of the three all together. You cannot imagine how it can grate on your nerves to hear your mother, girlfriend and her mother crying at the same time. I agreed with some of the things the guys at MGTOW said but… I was just not feeling it. You know? Then using some links some other guys posted I found RooshV.com and from there ROK and the forum.
Thank Lord all mighty for this. Everything I read made sense. With almost everything I could agree. The nature of women. The needs of a happy relationship. Sexual Market Value. Rules of Dating. How to seduce. Fitness tips. How to look good. Mother – fucking – jackpot! Finally found a site that I was looking for so long! Finally found a site which I could use to become a better man! What I always wanted from my father but never got!
Two years later I write to you from my Laptop in Germany as currently I am also on ERASMUS+ and find myself to be at the crossroads of life. I’ve pondered a lot about these questions but I’ve come to a roadblock. That’s when I decided to put pen to paper.
I’ve been together with my girl for 6 and half years now. She has been my first and only girlfriend. My notch count thus is 1 and this is why I’ve always dreaded to visit the Game Section of this forum. Though I’ve found this site exactly one year ago (my joining date) I simply did not dare to try read the Game forum. Cannot give a straight answer to this either. Simply couldn’t. Things were still very heated with both families at that time and I felt I was not ready enough. Thought that I had what I wanted. But I did read about Game in general.
I read Roosh’s work, Rollo’s, Heartiste, a bit about Dalrock and a lot ROK posts. I’ve started to adopt a Red Pillish mentality and my girlfriend totally digs it. She likes me being aggressive, dominating, we’ve started role – playing where I always assume the dominating character doing stuff to an ‘innocent’ girl, bought sex toys such as cuffs and whips. Sex has never been better.
Financials never looked better. Found Mr. Money Mustache with the help of this forum and other great sites such as Early Retirement Extreme and awesome books like for example the Boglehead Guide to Investing. I may not have much now but what I have is used to its maximum potential. And I feel great about it too, because I feel like I’m in control of my situation and not some sleazy parasite who only wait on help and generosity of The Cathedral State.
Besides that I’ve also educated myself on fitness reading Starting Strength and Convict Conditioning. I know a lot of guys argue about what the right way to approach fitness or what are the best and most true techniques but I had to start somewhere. They’ve made positive changes on my body. Did a program for my girl too which she follows to the letter and she got even hotter in my eyes. Her ass got bigger, breasts firmer and her whole was just simply toned.
But I have to say that after everything is said and done I feel… tired and a bit empty. We’ve been together for 6 and more years. I’ve been faithful. Though with the knowledge I’ve acquired here I’ve gotten a lot more opportunities then I did in the past. I did not act on them.
She has also gotten many times the chance to cheat on me. She did not or at least to say I did not hear about it. You will say that she is maybe lying or that all woman cheat. That may be so. But our town is small. There is even a saying that goes like: ‘This town knows more about you that you do yourself.’ I could be wrong but I believe that I’d hear about her escapades sooner or later. But there were none to be heard. I am not sure but in our 6 years of being together I’ve never felt any kind of gut feeling that something was wrong. Her mother also never cheated on her father.
I did everything my family ever asked of me. Did all the steps my father wanted me to do. I believe her to be a good woman but I also feel shackled by everything that has happened in my life until know. I believe I did everything what was expected of me to do. I am 24, she is 27. She has good genes and people mistake her of being 20. But I know that one day her looks will fade. None can escape the wall. I believe her to be marriage material, a good candidate to bear my children and I wish to become a family man. A better man than my father was. A man of virtue.
But after reading listening to Quintus Curtius, starting to read his books, all the other books you guys recommend about the greatness of Men and the general shitstorm that happened here one month ago I feel the need of a quest.
A desire to simply go. I’d just like to finish Med School and go somewhere for a year or two. I’d like to break free. It’s not about chasing pussy, though it also plays a part but it simply is yearning for freedom.
But I am scared, really scared. I feel nervous. My stomach hurts thinking about these things. Will I regret leaving or will I regret staying. Will I ever find a girl like her again? I do have Oneitis. I believe any man would if he’d gone the same things through… or maybe not. Who knows? I’d love and will have kids someday but I know that if I leave now that I will have a chance with her again. Her father leaving in such a way hurt her really much. But must I carry the burden because of this?
I simply do not know and have not come to a definite answer to any of my questions.
Yet I will not give up. I have never given up. A man who wanders in the dark still seeks his answers. And I will not rest until I find mine. Or at least I will look so long until I’ve come to a decision.
I care about her and am scared of hurting her. When I was at my weakest she always cared for me like a woman should. With care, love and affection. In my coldest night she made me feel warm again. I feel an obligation to her as in my mind she did save me when I wish to kill myself. That is why I feel very much conflicted about all this.
Dear Gentlemen!
Is what I am feeling right now normal or is it just me being a pussy?
Would you stay or would you leave?
If you would leave then how would you end it?
What would you do?
In general… what kind of advice would you give me?
Friends, I’ve laid my soul bear for you to see and read. Skewer it, impale it, thrash it and tear it apart with your honesty. I implore you. Only so will I be able to learn, grow and be reborn again.
Those of you who have managed this far – thank you. I am grateful for it. Even putting my feelings into broken English has eased the conflicts within my heart.
Best wishes to everybody, Guriko.
I come to you for advice. This will be a long post and sadly due to the nature of the content I do not believe I will be able to make a TLDR version of it. That is why I warn beforehand – WARNING LONG POST AHEAD! As an addendum I would also like to add that English is not my native language, so please excuse any kind of spelling or syntax errors and if some sentences do not make sense do point them out so I may clarify them better in a reply.
I am 24 years old, from Slovenia who is slowly finishing Med School. Before I will pose my questions I’ll tell you about me with the hopes that it will help you understand my situation better.
Both my father and mother are physicians.
My mother comes from a simple family whose father was a bit of a drunkard (he passed away) and her mother a manipulative scheming woman who nags and heckles her even today. They lived in a small village in the ‘Middle of Nowhere’ location of our country which was known for alcoholism and general despair. They commuted to the city where we currently live for work and school (and this was 35 years ago), which means that every week they took a 5 – 6 hour one – way trip Monday morning and Friday afternoon on rocky roads in a shitty car (Yugo, because in Yugoslavia you almost could not get or afford anything else). She is used to hardship and hard work.
Father comes from a diametrical opposing family. Think high, middle – class types with a very nice and big old rustic home whose family members consisted of mostly intelligentsia types: engineers, physicians, dentists, architects and so on. As a child he was pampered and given everything by his mother. His father was an academic through and through. Mostly thinking about the state of the nation and the barbarism of the Communistic Regime he was more concerned with the actions of the State against the Church as he was also a deeply religious man. Because grandfather was an outspoken Catholic in a country where it was forbidden to believe they were under surveillance and once or twice their home was broken into with all the drawers flung open and papers lying on the floor. My father and uncle never really received any kind of fatherly guidance. Grandfather was too much of a choleric type. He’d either scream or simply not deal with it.
My parents met in high school. There was some friction between the families as my great grandmother thought her to be too ‘lowly’ in order to date my father whereas my grandmother on my mother’s side was just being a general pain in the ass. Even so they stayed together and went to Croatia where they studied and finished Med School.
I’ve never had a good relationship with my father. He is a very demanding type. From when I can remember I had to be ‘perfect’. Failure was not allowed. My grades had to be perfect as was my sport score (he was also a gifted athlete). When I was 10 I visited tennis, water – polo, hockey, gymnastics, English language class, German language class and Religious class at the same time. The things I’ve shown an interest in such as reading certain books or playing video games in order to relieve myself a bit from the stress were either scoffed at or we argued about it for hours. In high school every half an hour or so he’d knock on my door or come into my room and get angry at me if I was not learning or doing what he wanted me to do.
Funnily my mother was, again, the exact opposite. To make a long story short she gave me everything I wanted and more or less opposed my father on every decision he would make as long as I can remember. Because of her nurturing nature she always gave me sweets or took me to McDonalds which is why I got fat as a kid and that infuriated my dad. This would cause a lot of arguments and unnecessary screaming.
I never really did have any kind of Father – Son talk with my father. Whenever I would have tried he’d either back away, change the subject or get angry with me using sentences like ‘Why are you not learning? Instead of this why can’t you use your time more productively and get better grades?’.
When high school came around I had good enough grades to get accepted into a Sports Class. I was not the best sportsman but I have to say that I shed the pounds nicely and gained a nice athletic muscular body. After 4 years I’m proud to say that I’ve made it from the lower 20% to the upper 20%. Alas in my mind I was a total ‘blue – pill’. Kind, friendly and a good listener I was the perfect Friend Zone Material. Though I did get a kiss here or there I was never able to seduce a girl or lock her down. This did make me angry but I did not really know how to deal with it and just said to myself that I’ll find my girl when I get to Med School.
Med School was really a no brainer for me but it was not really a conscious decision. More go with the flow like as everybody was expecting me to become a physician and when you are 18 years old you don’t really possess the wealth of knowledge or experience to make a rational judgment.
I met my current girlfriend when I was 17 years old after getting rejected on another girl the previous day. On that day I swore that girls are not worth my time and I’ll just simply stop giving a shit. It seems that this unlocked, unbeknownst to me, certain ‘Red Pillish’ behavior that night which enabled me to hook up with her in the club we met. She is three years older than me and studies languages and Pedagogy.
I would describe her as 7,5 face and 8 body. Like my mother she also worked on a family farm while she was visiting school and studying. Ha-ha, Freud much, eh? Her personality likewise was like my mothers, strong, honest and assertive. But she also possesses a very kind soul, knows how to cook, clean, and loves animals and kids. Again – like my mother. Dear, oh dear, too much Freud.
She is my first girlfriend and also the woman I lost my virginity to.
Fast forward 5 years. The times I’ve spent with her are filled with good memories and I cherish them. The sex is good; she is a freak in bed that does more or less everything I want her to do. To be honest it was more of my problem that we were not wilder because being Blue Pill without any kind of previous experience I just, honestly, did not know what the fuck to do except the basic stuff.
Sometimes she would act like a bitch but this was more my problem because I did not know how to deal with these ‘Shit Tests’. Manosphere material simply does not exist in any kind of form in Slovenia.
One day when she was finishing her paperwork in order to present her bachelor for which she worked about a year on with diligence and hard sweat her professor told her that he would not approve as on the last moment he did not deem it to pass the required quality. This would mean that all her hard work would be flushed down the toilet and she would have to wait basically one whole year to get a chance again. She panicked, was sobbing, crying, screaming and walking around hopelessly. Not knowing what to do or how to calm her down as I was a 20 years old Blue Pill at the time I said that we’ll pull through together this time and all the next times as I plan to marry and have kids with her. She looked me into the eyes and said if I mean it and I said yes.
I really did and still do.
Then three years ago (2013) things have gotten very… turbulent, to say the least. The relationship between my mother and father was never good to begin with. But as every child I did not think much of it. I was used to their constant bickering between each other, the yelling and screaming and just thought this is how thing were going to be. Then I’ve started to see changes in my mother. She became sadder and sadder, could not sleep, lost weight and I was seeing my father less and less as he was on frequent business trips. The signs were clear but I did not see them or maybe I did not want to see them. In summer everything came out at once. My father was having an affair and they will separate. I was in the middle of my exams and it hit me like a truck.
I did not know really what to do, what to feel, how to act, what to say. Paradoxically with all the chaos that was swirling inside of me I just felt empty. Black and empty. Total fucking black hole. I’ll always remember how my father broke the news. Invited me to a coffee, said he was seeing another woman, showed me his new apartment and then went away. No explanation, no whys or possibilities of saving the relationship with mom. That was it. After he went away I’ve started hearing other stories about him having affairs with other women. Interestingly how all these things float up to the surface while they were down on the ground of the ocean for so long.
I could not study medicine anymore. It lost all meaning to me. I identified medicine with my family. Did it because I had to do, because I was mean to. But now I just could not. Father, ‘understandably’ was not very pleased. He tried to yell at me, scream or sarcastically pose questions such as ‘Why are you making such a big deal about this? Why are you not studying? Do you really think that with all the things that are happening in this world that you are experiencing hardship?’ He stopped after I grabbed his shoulder and said if he ever said these things again that I’d punch him no matter the damn consequences.
My mother naturally was a train wreck. She’d been faithful to him for more than 30 years. Besides that he left her with the house and all the bills to take care for. And my little brother. Little kid was really hit hard by all of this. Didn’t speak or did so very rarely for the next couple of months because at the time he was 15 and I believe this to be a very delicate time in the development of a young man.
My girlfriend offered me to stay at their farm for a couple of weeks in order to get my shit together and get away from it all. I gladly accepted.
This is when the most interesting thing happened.
Two weeks after my parents split her father also decided to leave. He left her and her mother with a big ass farm which spans a couple of hectares, 4 houses and a shit ton of work needed to be done. And an apartment in the city. With all the bills of course. Just like that. He just drove away without saying a word into his new house which he built while saying that he never had money when they asked him if they could go on a trip somewhere or buy some new furniture.
Of course you must be thinking what kinds of women were these people that drove these two men away? But Slovenia is not the U.S. and A. Women here, while they can pretend to be as bitchy as they like in clubs, cannot afford to be total vile bitches like in the States. The reason is simple. Our nation is simply too poor to accommodate woman with so much as the U.S.A. Men also earn way less which means that things like multimillion alimonies or multiple houses or guaranteed child custodies are more or less a pipedream. Men still hold a lot of power. Though it has started to change a bit it cannot progress a lot because the economy is simply in the gutters.
What I wish to say is that the women who were left were not vile or evil. I will personally stake my honor and body for this statement. Having lived with my mother and with my girlfriend’s family I’ve seen all of the work they had to do. Cooking, cleaning, preparing, building, carrying and so on. Such things can be faked at the beginning of the relationship. But not so long or so diligently.
Two men who should have guided me or acted as mentors have left me with three women broken in spirit and body and a little child who shut up while I was 23 years old. None of them knew how to handle the checks or if they will be able to make through the month. Money was scarce and there are not that many agencies or programs which help women. I lost all interest in medicine and thought that this was it – I will not be able to finish it and dad can howl all as he wishes. I simply lost interest.
I lost interest in everything pretty much. After struggling for 5 months and playing games with both my father and her father in order to try and get them to send some money or help the proceedings a bit smoother I simply wanted to quit. I contemplated suicide… and almost got through it.
One night, while I was alone in my home as my girlfriend was on ERASMUS+ which she used in order to get away from it all (on my advice because I was really out of options or advices then), I took a knife and pointed the tip onto the area of my heart. Still remember how I recalled pictures of the heart from my anatomy classes. Where it is, at what angle it is positioned and where lay the main blood vessels. When push came to shove though my mind went black. I just could not do it. I got pictures of her and my brother in my mind. They were vivid and very real. Putting the knife down I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I remembered how dark the room was. How ominous everything looked. Felt like a little kid again. I was scared.
After this I’ve got professional counseling. What saved me though – was the Manosphere. I don’t really remember how I found Return of Kings or this forum to be honest. First I stumbled onto the MGTOW movement because I searched something akin being fed up with women as I was with the constant sobbing, whining and general hopelessness of the three all together. You cannot imagine how it can grate on your nerves to hear your mother, girlfriend and her mother crying at the same time. I agreed with some of the things the guys at MGTOW said but… I was just not feeling it. You know? Then using some links some other guys posted I found RooshV.com and from there ROK and the forum.
Thank Lord all mighty for this. Everything I read made sense. With almost everything I could agree. The nature of women. The needs of a happy relationship. Sexual Market Value. Rules of Dating. How to seduce. Fitness tips. How to look good. Mother – fucking – jackpot! Finally found a site that I was looking for so long! Finally found a site which I could use to become a better man! What I always wanted from my father but never got!
Two years later I write to you from my Laptop in Germany as currently I am also on ERASMUS+ and find myself to be at the crossroads of life. I’ve pondered a lot about these questions but I’ve come to a roadblock. That’s when I decided to put pen to paper.
I’ve been together with my girl for 6 and half years now. She has been my first and only girlfriend. My notch count thus is 1 and this is why I’ve always dreaded to visit the Game Section of this forum. Though I’ve found this site exactly one year ago (my joining date) I simply did not dare to try read the Game forum. Cannot give a straight answer to this either. Simply couldn’t. Things were still very heated with both families at that time and I felt I was not ready enough. Thought that I had what I wanted. But I did read about Game in general.
I read Roosh’s work, Rollo’s, Heartiste, a bit about Dalrock and a lot ROK posts. I’ve started to adopt a Red Pillish mentality and my girlfriend totally digs it. She likes me being aggressive, dominating, we’ve started role – playing where I always assume the dominating character doing stuff to an ‘innocent’ girl, bought sex toys such as cuffs and whips. Sex has never been better.
Financials never looked better. Found Mr. Money Mustache with the help of this forum and other great sites such as Early Retirement Extreme and awesome books like for example the Boglehead Guide to Investing. I may not have much now but what I have is used to its maximum potential. And I feel great about it too, because I feel like I’m in control of my situation and not some sleazy parasite who only wait on help and generosity of The Cathedral State.
Besides that I’ve also educated myself on fitness reading Starting Strength and Convict Conditioning. I know a lot of guys argue about what the right way to approach fitness or what are the best and most true techniques but I had to start somewhere. They’ve made positive changes on my body. Did a program for my girl too which she follows to the letter and she got even hotter in my eyes. Her ass got bigger, breasts firmer and her whole was just simply toned.
But I have to say that after everything is said and done I feel… tired and a bit empty. We’ve been together for 6 and more years. I’ve been faithful. Though with the knowledge I’ve acquired here I’ve gotten a lot more opportunities then I did in the past. I did not act on them.
She has also gotten many times the chance to cheat on me. She did not or at least to say I did not hear about it. You will say that she is maybe lying or that all woman cheat. That may be so. But our town is small. There is even a saying that goes like: ‘This town knows more about you that you do yourself.’ I could be wrong but I believe that I’d hear about her escapades sooner or later. But there were none to be heard. I am not sure but in our 6 years of being together I’ve never felt any kind of gut feeling that something was wrong. Her mother also never cheated on her father.
I did everything my family ever asked of me. Did all the steps my father wanted me to do. I believe her to be a good woman but I also feel shackled by everything that has happened in my life until know. I believe I did everything what was expected of me to do. I am 24, she is 27. She has good genes and people mistake her of being 20. But I know that one day her looks will fade. None can escape the wall. I believe her to be marriage material, a good candidate to bear my children and I wish to become a family man. A better man than my father was. A man of virtue.
But after reading listening to Quintus Curtius, starting to read his books, all the other books you guys recommend about the greatness of Men and the general shitstorm that happened here one month ago I feel the need of a quest.
A desire to simply go. I’d just like to finish Med School and go somewhere for a year or two. I’d like to break free. It’s not about chasing pussy, though it also plays a part but it simply is yearning for freedom.
But I am scared, really scared. I feel nervous. My stomach hurts thinking about these things. Will I regret leaving or will I regret staying. Will I ever find a girl like her again? I do have Oneitis. I believe any man would if he’d gone the same things through… or maybe not. Who knows? I’d love and will have kids someday but I know that if I leave now that I will have a chance with her again. Her father leaving in such a way hurt her really much. But must I carry the burden because of this?
I simply do not know and have not come to a definite answer to any of my questions.
Yet I will not give up. I have never given up. A man who wanders in the dark still seeks his answers. And I will not rest until I find mine. Or at least I will look so long until I’ve come to a decision.
I care about her and am scared of hurting her. When I was at my weakest she always cared for me like a woman should. With care, love and affection. In my coldest night she made me feel warm again. I feel an obligation to her as in my mind she did save me when I wish to kill myself. That is why I feel very much conflicted about all this.
Dear Gentlemen!
Is what I am feeling right now normal or is it just me being a pussy?
Would you stay or would you leave?
If you would leave then how would you end it?
What would you do?
In general… what kind of advice would you give me?
Friends, I’ve laid my soul bear for you to see and read. Skewer it, impale it, thrash it and tear it apart with your honesty. I implore you. Only so will I be able to learn, grow and be reborn again.
Those of you who have managed this far – thank you. I am grateful for it. Even putting my feelings into broken English has eased the conflicts within my heart.
Best wishes to everybody, Guriko.
Romans 8:31 - 'What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?'
My notes.
Mike Cernovich Compilation 2015 | 2016
The Gold from Bold
