The life of a 27y, living with mom, huge failure, is it even possible to fix?
12-14-2015, 05:42 PM
This will probably be too long for some of you to even bother reading, however some of you might relate or feel you will be able to provide som guidelines and tips so big props for the ones of you who read thru it all. Also, my english is not my first language, so If you actually decide to read this long ass post, be patient.
Tonight I took a walk for 3 hours, listening to some random scientific podcast. I usually vary between science ones, joe rogan or the topic of personal development, Ive probably listened thru thousands of hours of podcasts by now, however, that doesnt matter, Ima try not to get drifted away too much in my own thoughts.
I walked alone, as usual, as Ive done the past 2 years now. Sometimes with a feeling of motivation in my body, sometimes with tears in my eyes thinking of my pathetic life.
I just had my 27th birthday, Im an unsuccessful man who feel like a boy, I currently live with my mom in my old boy-room. I have no drivers licence, I work by the hour hence my economy is very poor. My current social status is as low as it probably could be. I have no friends, not a single one. Ever since my dad passed away in cancer when I was 11 Ive felt like a feather blowing around in the wind, I dont know how to make up goals and follow steps to achieve them, I do not have a purpose in my life, I havent had sex for the past 4 years and I literally feel like a virgin again.
Growing up I was a popular kid whom had no problems making friends, I was extroverted and I enjoyed life alot - every day was a new adventure and I just loved the feeling of being alive and all the possibilites existing in this world. When I was 14 I got my first computer, 6 months later my first high speed broadband and then I started playing FPS games, mainly counter-strike.
As with most things up til now, I appeared to have talent for this game. Im no bragger by no means and Im not trying to come across as cooler than anyone, in fact this post just proves my current pathetic existence. However, I really had talent for most stuff when I was a kid. I was always at the top at school work, I had top grades, I excelled in sports and I was great at soccer, sprint, judo and land hockey. I had talent for almost every video game and my friends always wondered how the **** I was able to come out as the winner in most games. In other words: I felt like a winner, I behaved like a winner and I succeeded as a winner. I felt huge potential for my future and therefor, when noticing my talent for counter-strike, I put my heart and soul into it for some years to follow.
Going thru 7th grade, 8th grade and 9th grade, my time outside of school consisted of playing at my computer with my team-mates over the internet. On weekends I was at LAN parties with my IRL friends who I still had cause of the fact we met everyday due to school - I was still "popular" in the sense as having friends, even If girls had absolutely no interest at all in me - Mostly cause of my complete ignorance of my current style/looks, I just didnt give a damn, my only purpose was to excel in this game.
Time went on, I started traveled around the country with my counter-strike team which now consisted of some players who eventually proceeded to be recognized as the best in the world, making bank by playing games. We had a blast, It was by no doubt the absolute best time of my life, I felt GREAT friendship with my team, I was part of something, a group of guys striving for a common goal. We were very well played together, we liked eachother, we were highly skilled and with an extreme motivation. Even tho I still had no girls and hadnt yet even made out with one, I didnt give a ****, I had all that I needed and I loved it.
Eventually, unfortunately, 2 dropped out and got girlfriends, they decided they didnt wanna waste 10 hours a day playing, which was basicly a requirement at this very level. These people dropping out eventually lead to all of us splitting a part, one started doing drugs, another one moved to another country to go to university there, and me? Well I stayed here.
Now I was 19, last year in what is the comparison of americas "high-school", I assume. I still had IRL friends as I met them every weekly day in school. I had yet not even touched a girl, so I decided I should start going out to the club with people my age, consuming some alcohol and having fun.
So I did, after some weeks I met a girl, made out with her and after a while she came to take my virginity. We got together, I graduated high-school and moved to my own apartment - I had alot of money back then due to the money I got when my dad died, so I could afford it easily even tho I didnt have a job. I had a relationship with this girl for 2 years, from 19 to 21.5 - If the counter-strike years were the best time of my life, this time was definately at second place. (Yes, I know, counter-strike better than girlfriend???? Yep, my passion for that game and the comradship I felt with my team mates were so ******* great, nothing can beat it).
I developed alot during this relationship, I got more confidence in myself, I had regular sex and I felt loved, appreciated and wanted. I had NO problems talking to people, I felt good on a regular basis and my self esteem was great. However, due to extremely sitty job situations at the place I currently lived, I went from shit job to shit job, payed by the hour. Some times I was without work for months, and eventually my girlfriend lost her love for me and dumped me.
I was 21 years old, soon to be 22. I basicly had my twenties in front of me, what should I do now? The possibilites seemed endless.
I ended up joining a 2 year university program in computer-science, something I came to regret soon enough. During this time, I lost much contact with my friends from high-school, I made basicly no new friends at my university program and the first year I basicly isolated myself in my apartment, just going to classes and then home to surf the web. Around this time, I also developed an addiction to world of warcraft, something that totally killed my dedication to the studies and motivation what so ever.
2 years later, I hadnt got my exam, cause I basicly didnt complete many of the courses neccesary. Now I was 24, with no idea what to do with my life. I ended up going to another country, with very little pocket money and no idea how to proceed from there. I got a job in sales, but after about 2 months It was painfully obvious I didnt fit as a salesman at all, I stayed there for some more months searching for other jobs, but eventually I gave up and decided to move to my home-country again.
25 years old, back in the house I grew up, living with my mom. I had lost contact with the vaste majority of my old group of friends, I had underdeveloped social skills (relative to my age), I had very little money, no plan of action, no girls in sight and without any idea what the **** to do with my life.
Luckily enough, I had one hobby that took up alot of time, strenght-training. Ive been working out for nearly 8 years now, Ive been very strict with diet and my workout scheme, hence my body is very muscular and strong. However, It has very much been a lonely hobby. I just go to the gym, by myself, eat my protein meals and drink my protein shakes, by myself - I grow, by myself. But atleast, I do have a hobby, thats better than nothing, eh?
Time went on, eventually I landed a part time job, payed by the hour. The pay is pretty good, actually. However I dont get that many hours each month, so the pay-check is not good at all, nothing I can build a life with.
My life for the past 2 years have been this, with almost no exception at all: Wake up - If work, I go to work, then I come home, surf the web, go to the gym, get home, eat, surf, sleep. If I dont work, I wake up around 12, I surf for some hours, I go to the gym, then I go home, I surf more, then I sleep. Rince repeat, for the past 48 months.
My 2 last birthday, Ive been celebrated by my mother, my older sister and her kids, no one more. I havent received a phone-text from a friend since 2013. 99.99% of the people I talk to on facebook are people Ive got to known over the internet from the years of playing. I have no social circle, I havent attended a party in 3 years of time.
The new years eve 2014 I celebrated alone, in my room at my mothers house. 2013? the same. I have some friends from my high-school who still live at this very very small city Im located in at this very moment (where I live, in my mothers house), However I do feel like such a ******* failure at life, I dont wanna talk to them, I feel ashamed of myself living like a ******* loser at 27 years old.
My self esteem is low, I havent slept with a girl in years, I havent kissed a girl in years, I feel like a virgin again.
Im a very athletic muscular good looking guy, trapped in a losers mind. A kid who excelled at everything 12 years ago, who had aspirations and motivation - Now living like a talentless extremely unsuccessful friendless mega loser. I dont even know who I am anymore, Ive started to questioning my own intelligence, my ability to even be successful enough to live a normal good life. I mean, If I were intelligent, why the **** would I find myself in my current pathetic living situation? Maybe something just ******* wrong with my head, some genetic shit or whatever the ****, I dont know. Maybe Im just not suited for todays society, or maybe Ive just lost myself somewhere in the track going from child to adulthood.
My question, or one of my questions - Actually I dont even know where to begin, as I have so many questionmarks in my head Im about to expode is: Is it even possible for a guy this age to get up? Im 27 now, Im starting to feel Ive missed the train, I ****ed up the years of when a kid developes to an adult man, Ive wasted years playing games instead of learing how to build new connections, Ive wasted years endlessy surfing the shitty web when I could have been out meeting new girls, getting new sexual and social experiences. I havent even got a ******* drivers licence - I look at myself and I see a lazy, pathetic shit of human being.
What should I do? Where should I go? Which path should I take? What is my purpose? Where exactly do I start, HOW do I start? What do I want? - I dont know, but one thing is for sure: I dont wanna be where I am right now, sometimes deep inside I still feel that potential burning, only seconds later to be clouded by thoughts of my shit life.
What do I want from you? I dont know, a helping hand? Tips how to proceed? Guidlines, someone to listen, someone to relate, maybe someone to help me up from this dog shit of situation. I dont know man, Im just a ******* soon to be 30 year old loser with no career and no money, hurray!
Tonight I took a walk for 3 hours, listening to some random scientific podcast. I usually vary between science ones, joe rogan or the topic of personal development, Ive probably listened thru thousands of hours of podcasts by now, however, that doesnt matter, Ima try not to get drifted away too much in my own thoughts.
I walked alone, as usual, as Ive done the past 2 years now. Sometimes with a feeling of motivation in my body, sometimes with tears in my eyes thinking of my pathetic life.
I just had my 27th birthday, Im an unsuccessful man who feel like a boy, I currently live with my mom in my old boy-room. I have no drivers licence, I work by the hour hence my economy is very poor. My current social status is as low as it probably could be. I have no friends, not a single one. Ever since my dad passed away in cancer when I was 11 Ive felt like a feather blowing around in the wind, I dont know how to make up goals and follow steps to achieve them, I do not have a purpose in my life, I havent had sex for the past 4 years and I literally feel like a virgin again.
Growing up I was a popular kid whom had no problems making friends, I was extroverted and I enjoyed life alot - every day was a new adventure and I just loved the feeling of being alive and all the possibilites existing in this world. When I was 14 I got my first computer, 6 months later my first high speed broadband and then I started playing FPS games, mainly counter-strike.
As with most things up til now, I appeared to have talent for this game. Im no bragger by no means and Im not trying to come across as cooler than anyone, in fact this post just proves my current pathetic existence. However, I really had talent for most stuff when I was a kid. I was always at the top at school work, I had top grades, I excelled in sports and I was great at soccer, sprint, judo and land hockey. I had talent for almost every video game and my friends always wondered how the **** I was able to come out as the winner in most games. In other words: I felt like a winner, I behaved like a winner and I succeeded as a winner. I felt huge potential for my future and therefor, when noticing my talent for counter-strike, I put my heart and soul into it for some years to follow.
Going thru 7th grade, 8th grade and 9th grade, my time outside of school consisted of playing at my computer with my team-mates over the internet. On weekends I was at LAN parties with my IRL friends who I still had cause of the fact we met everyday due to school - I was still "popular" in the sense as having friends, even If girls had absolutely no interest at all in me - Mostly cause of my complete ignorance of my current style/looks, I just didnt give a damn, my only purpose was to excel in this game.
Time went on, I started traveled around the country with my counter-strike team which now consisted of some players who eventually proceeded to be recognized as the best in the world, making bank by playing games. We had a blast, It was by no doubt the absolute best time of my life, I felt GREAT friendship with my team, I was part of something, a group of guys striving for a common goal. We were very well played together, we liked eachother, we were highly skilled and with an extreme motivation. Even tho I still had no girls and hadnt yet even made out with one, I didnt give a ****, I had all that I needed and I loved it.
Eventually, unfortunately, 2 dropped out and got girlfriends, they decided they didnt wanna waste 10 hours a day playing, which was basicly a requirement at this very level. These people dropping out eventually lead to all of us splitting a part, one started doing drugs, another one moved to another country to go to university there, and me? Well I stayed here.
Now I was 19, last year in what is the comparison of americas "high-school", I assume. I still had IRL friends as I met them every weekly day in school. I had yet not even touched a girl, so I decided I should start going out to the club with people my age, consuming some alcohol and having fun.
So I did, after some weeks I met a girl, made out with her and after a while she came to take my virginity. We got together, I graduated high-school and moved to my own apartment - I had alot of money back then due to the money I got when my dad died, so I could afford it easily even tho I didnt have a job. I had a relationship with this girl for 2 years, from 19 to 21.5 - If the counter-strike years were the best time of my life, this time was definately at second place. (Yes, I know, counter-strike better than girlfriend???? Yep, my passion for that game and the comradship I felt with my team mates were so ******* great, nothing can beat it).
I developed alot during this relationship, I got more confidence in myself, I had regular sex and I felt loved, appreciated and wanted. I had NO problems talking to people, I felt good on a regular basis and my self esteem was great. However, due to extremely sitty job situations at the place I currently lived, I went from shit job to shit job, payed by the hour. Some times I was without work for months, and eventually my girlfriend lost her love for me and dumped me.
I was 21 years old, soon to be 22. I basicly had my twenties in front of me, what should I do now? The possibilites seemed endless.
I ended up joining a 2 year university program in computer-science, something I came to regret soon enough. During this time, I lost much contact with my friends from high-school, I made basicly no new friends at my university program and the first year I basicly isolated myself in my apartment, just going to classes and then home to surf the web. Around this time, I also developed an addiction to world of warcraft, something that totally killed my dedication to the studies and motivation what so ever.
2 years later, I hadnt got my exam, cause I basicly didnt complete many of the courses neccesary. Now I was 24, with no idea what to do with my life. I ended up going to another country, with very little pocket money and no idea how to proceed from there. I got a job in sales, but after about 2 months It was painfully obvious I didnt fit as a salesman at all, I stayed there for some more months searching for other jobs, but eventually I gave up and decided to move to my home-country again.
25 years old, back in the house I grew up, living with my mom. I had lost contact with the vaste majority of my old group of friends, I had underdeveloped social skills (relative to my age), I had very little money, no plan of action, no girls in sight and without any idea what the **** to do with my life.
Luckily enough, I had one hobby that took up alot of time, strenght-training. Ive been working out for nearly 8 years now, Ive been very strict with diet and my workout scheme, hence my body is very muscular and strong. However, It has very much been a lonely hobby. I just go to the gym, by myself, eat my protein meals and drink my protein shakes, by myself - I grow, by myself. But atleast, I do have a hobby, thats better than nothing, eh?
Time went on, eventually I landed a part time job, payed by the hour. The pay is pretty good, actually. However I dont get that many hours each month, so the pay-check is not good at all, nothing I can build a life with.
My life for the past 2 years have been this, with almost no exception at all: Wake up - If work, I go to work, then I come home, surf the web, go to the gym, get home, eat, surf, sleep. If I dont work, I wake up around 12, I surf for some hours, I go to the gym, then I go home, I surf more, then I sleep. Rince repeat, for the past 48 months.
My 2 last birthday, Ive been celebrated by my mother, my older sister and her kids, no one more. I havent received a phone-text from a friend since 2013. 99.99% of the people I talk to on facebook are people Ive got to known over the internet from the years of playing. I have no social circle, I havent attended a party in 3 years of time.
The new years eve 2014 I celebrated alone, in my room at my mothers house. 2013? the same. I have some friends from my high-school who still live at this very very small city Im located in at this very moment (where I live, in my mothers house), However I do feel like such a ******* failure at life, I dont wanna talk to them, I feel ashamed of myself living like a ******* loser at 27 years old.
My self esteem is low, I havent slept with a girl in years, I havent kissed a girl in years, I feel like a virgin again.
Im a very athletic muscular good looking guy, trapped in a losers mind. A kid who excelled at everything 12 years ago, who had aspirations and motivation - Now living like a talentless extremely unsuccessful friendless mega loser. I dont even know who I am anymore, Ive started to questioning my own intelligence, my ability to even be successful enough to live a normal good life. I mean, If I were intelligent, why the **** would I find myself in my current pathetic living situation? Maybe something just ******* wrong with my head, some genetic shit or whatever the ****, I dont know. Maybe Im just not suited for todays society, or maybe Ive just lost myself somewhere in the track going from child to adulthood.
My question, or one of my questions - Actually I dont even know where to begin, as I have so many questionmarks in my head Im about to expode is: Is it even possible for a guy this age to get up? Im 27 now, Im starting to feel Ive missed the train, I ****ed up the years of when a kid developes to an adult man, Ive wasted years playing games instead of learing how to build new connections, Ive wasted years endlessy surfing the shitty web when I could have been out meeting new girls, getting new sexual and social experiences. I havent even got a ******* drivers licence - I look at myself and I see a lazy, pathetic shit of human being.
What should I do? Where should I go? Which path should I take? What is my purpose? Where exactly do I start, HOW do I start? What do I want? - I dont know, but one thing is for sure: I dont wanna be where I am right now, sometimes deep inside I still feel that potential burning, only seconds later to be clouded by thoughts of my shit life.
What do I want from you? I dont know, a helping hand? Tips how to proceed? Guidlines, someone to listen, someone to relate, maybe someone to help me up from this dog shit of situation. I dont know man, Im just a ******* soon to be 30 year old loser with no career and no money, hurray!
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