This being my first post on RVF I'd like to share about my red pill journey and current struggles that I'm going through which have been internally some very difficult times.
Any advice and suggestions appreciated. Even if it is to call me a whiny bitch.
I'm 35. Been working security for over a decade and involved with the sport of MMA for over 12 yrs now. Formerly as a pro fighter but now just an instructor.
I found the red pill after 5 yrs of voluntary celibacy due to religious conviction. This was about 7 or 8 yrs ago.
I worked as head of security at a popular bar and when I discovered the red pill CH, roosh, I realized that I could get away with all sorts of things with women and they and their white knights could do nothing to stop me.
To my surprise this new attitude actually endeared me to women more than anything. Prior to that I never realized that grabbing women I just met by the throat and play choking them would cause them to be attracted to me.
So I started going super asshole and had great results but I pretty much got fired from that job for that reason and almost lost an instructing job due to fucking the women in my class.
Before I got fired from the bar I met a girl who met most all of my requirements to be a girlfriend. She had no tats, no kids, didn't smoke and she had an intact family with a father she loved and she was significantly younger than me(10yrs). Prior to her I was not in any serious relationships of note. Pump and dump was my motto and since I just learned about game it was like I had superpowers or something.
Her main problem was she was very insecure about my job and I kind of stoked that by rubbing it in her face about past conquests. 6 months in I grew to really like her as she was madly in love with me and acted like a little child around me most of the time. I found this endearing if not banal.
Few months later she basically starts breaking down any time I leave for work and says she simply has to be with me all the time. Around 8 mos in I let her move in. I couldn't just stop gaming other women either because I didn't want to lose my skills so I still fucked around with other girls. Even fingering s girl on a balcony while she was in the other room. I really just didn't give a fuck because when I took the red pill I basically accepted the fact that a woman's love means jack shit compared to a man's.
About a year in we had a huge blow out fight where I got her kicked out of a bar and ended up having to pop her in the mouth because she was punching me in the face while I was driving us home. I even pulled over on the side of the interstate and started walking. She jumps into an interstate lane with a semi coming down it shouting "I'll do it!!" My survival instincts kicked in and I grabbed her but I remember thinking wtf have I gotten in to?
I knew I should've ended it then and moved on but she kept begging, pleading and sobbing and I eventually crumbled and let her stay.
So the relationship dragged on for two more years and I just resented her more and more. I stopped fucking her as much about a year in as well just out of boredom I guess. Sometimes I would even prefer to jerk off to porn while she was in the other room sleeping.
So around 3 yrs nearly exact it finally ended. She was tracking my phone and I was at a strip club for a buddies bday. She calls and bitches about it, says she's not happy and I'm like cool see ya.
3 days later an ex friend of hers who is pretty slutty and hot asked me if I wanted to come home with her. I thought awesome I get to bang out her friend now. LOL.
So I fuck her on this guys couch super hard, choking her hard and she's tapping out and shit. She hits me up few days later for more and I was already done with her so I said look im tired but I will fuck your mouth. So I did this and normally I would feel awesome about it. Only now I felt dirty and lower than ever before.
Then it hit me like a fucking sledgehammer. All the emotions I had for my ex, all the memories and the little shit. I couldn't even socialize or game women anymore because I wanted that connection again and I wanted to actually care about the girl.
When I moved out of our apartment after a month or so of breakup it hit me even harder and I was a fucking mess. I felt betrayed even though I treated her shitty and neglected her a lot towards the end. I just felt that you say you love me it should fucking mean something.
Anyway it needed to happen and my life basically did a 360 in about 6 months. I cut out all distractions, started lifting again and just got a full time instructing job that pays good while being promoted to head of security at another place I work on weekend nights.
I quit watching porn, masterbating and I've been completely celibate for over 3 months now. I have all this drive and focus but yet I'm still tormented inside. Sometimes I have dreams that just haunt me and put me in a bad emotional state all day.
Not happy with the modern world or the slutty women in it. I desire a chaste woman and family. The sluts id fuck with in the past I can't even speak to now. I have complete disdain for them. I just want to continue down this path because it's difficult and it makes me stronger but I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I'm not sure to what ends my drive and focus are for. I have no one that truly needs me or is dependent on me. In many ways I feel like a ship lost at sea and I know I'm not alone in this, especially here.
So that's it. Feel free to chime in.
Any advice and suggestions appreciated. Even if it is to call me a whiny bitch.
I'm 35. Been working security for over a decade and involved with the sport of MMA for over 12 yrs now. Formerly as a pro fighter but now just an instructor.
I found the red pill after 5 yrs of voluntary celibacy due to religious conviction. This was about 7 or 8 yrs ago.
I worked as head of security at a popular bar and when I discovered the red pill CH, roosh, I realized that I could get away with all sorts of things with women and they and their white knights could do nothing to stop me.
To my surprise this new attitude actually endeared me to women more than anything. Prior to that I never realized that grabbing women I just met by the throat and play choking them would cause them to be attracted to me.
So I started going super asshole and had great results but I pretty much got fired from that job for that reason and almost lost an instructing job due to fucking the women in my class.
Before I got fired from the bar I met a girl who met most all of my requirements to be a girlfriend. She had no tats, no kids, didn't smoke and she had an intact family with a father she loved and she was significantly younger than me(10yrs). Prior to her I was not in any serious relationships of note. Pump and dump was my motto and since I just learned about game it was like I had superpowers or something.
Her main problem was she was very insecure about my job and I kind of stoked that by rubbing it in her face about past conquests. 6 months in I grew to really like her as she was madly in love with me and acted like a little child around me most of the time. I found this endearing if not banal.
Few months later she basically starts breaking down any time I leave for work and says she simply has to be with me all the time. Around 8 mos in I let her move in. I couldn't just stop gaming other women either because I didn't want to lose my skills so I still fucked around with other girls. Even fingering s girl on a balcony while she was in the other room. I really just didn't give a fuck because when I took the red pill I basically accepted the fact that a woman's love means jack shit compared to a man's.
About a year in we had a huge blow out fight where I got her kicked out of a bar and ended up having to pop her in the mouth because she was punching me in the face while I was driving us home. I even pulled over on the side of the interstate and started walking. She jumps into an interstate lane with a semi coming down it shouting "I'll do it!!" My survival instincts kicked in and I grabbed her but I remember thinking wtf have I gotten in to?
I knew I should've ended it then and moved on but she kept begging, pleading and sobbing and I eventually crumbled and let her stay.
So the relationship dragged on for two more years and I just resented her more and more. I stopped fucking her as much about a year in as well just out of boredom I guess. Sometimes I would even prefer to jerk off to porn while she was in the other room sleeping.
So around 3 yrs nearly exact it finally ended. She was tracking my phone and I was at a strip club for a buddies bday. She calls and bitches about it, says she's not happy and I'm like cool see ya.
3 days later an ex friend of hers who is pretty slutty and hot asked me if I wanted to come home with her. I thought awesome I get to bang out her friend now. LOL.
So I fuck her on this guys couch super hard, choking her hard and she's tapping out and shit. She hits me up few days later for more and I was already done with her so I said look im tired but I will fuck your mouth. So I did this and normally I would feel awesome about it. Only now I felt dirty and lower than ever before.
Then it hit me like a fucking sledgehammer. All the emotions I had for my ex, all the memories and the little shit. I couldn't even socialize or game women anymore because I wanted that connection again and I wanted to actually care about the girl.
When I moved out of our apartment after a month or so of breakup it hit me even harder and I was a fucking mess. I felt betrayed even though I treated her shitty and neglected her a lot towards the end. I just felt that you say you love me it should fucking mean something.
Anyway it needed to happen and my life basically did a 360 in about 6 months. I cut out all distractions, started lifting again and just got a full time instructing job that pays good while being promoted to head of security at another place I work on weekend nights.
I quit watching porn, masterbating and I've been completely celibate for over 3 months now. I have all this drive and focus but yet I'm still tormented inside. Sometimes I have dreams that just haunt me and put me in a bad emotional state all day.
Not happy with the modern world or the slutty women in it. I desire a chaste woman and family. The sluts id fuck with in the past I can't even speak to now. I have complete disdain for them. I just want to continue down this path because it's difficult and it makes me stronger but I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I'm not sure to what ends my drive and focus are for. I have no one that truly needs me or is dependent on me. In many ways I feel like a ship lost at sea and I know I'm not alone in this, especially here.
So that's it. Feel free to chime in.