Quote: (08-06-2016 06:08 AM)Travesty Wrote:
Scotian,
I think answering questions with zero wisdom on a subject is both a fool's errand and a negative hit to the forum.
The only guys that should answer this question are ones that are happily married for at least 15 years.
I have heard the same wisdom as you. You need 2 years to go through all the holidays, all the family visits to know what you are in for.
I guess I will follow that unless I hear a more convincing argument.
I've seen the following being a trajectory many people follow when it comes to LTR/Marriage.
1) Have an internal sense of lack, that something is missing. A faceless image of the ideal mate is created within that would be an answer.
2) Meet someone who has some of those qualities. A person who "feels" right.
3) Put blinders on so we don't see the negative qualities of the other and the relationship. We now only see the parts that fit into Stage 1. This is what's being referred to when it's said "Love is blind"
4) During the "In Love" stage all is great and the negative we originally suffered in Stage 1 is gone. This lasts about 1.5 - 2 years.
5) Towards the end of Stage 4 the original sense of lack we had in Stage 1 comes back. The blinders begin to come off and the negative aspects of the other and the relationship begin to appear. The can't stay hidden forever and it becomes unsettling. At this point the couple will either breakup or decide what's missing....what will fix everything..... is Marriage.
6) Get engaged, blinders are reset and firmly put back up into position. Now the couple spends 1 - 2 years planning the wedding and how great things will finally be once they're married. The planning is enough to preoccupy them so they can ignore all the other stuff about their relationship that will inevitably torment them later on.
7) Get married. Yay! Honeymoon and all the rest is enough to keep the blinders on for a little while more. Enough to stave off the question, "What is missing?"
8) After the honeymoon phase is over the blinders start to fall off, and soon after the negatives start to appear again, along with the sense of lack. What's missing? What will make all that go away? Wait...I know....Children!
9) So now the excitement of having a child, the planning of the nursery, the name, clothes, etc is enough to keep the blinders on for another year or so. Especially if they can avoid hard and in-depth conversations about how they will raise and discipline their child.
10) A child is born. Euphoria for a little while again until the child gets old enough to crawl, walk, talk, cry, get into mischief, etc. Then a whole new set of negatives appear in addition to all the old stuff they've been keeping themselves blind to.
11) Sense of lack comes back, loss of freedom, tons of responsibility. What can shake this all off and bring back the happy days again? How about another child? This way they can play with each other and the parents can have more free time.
Marriage and Family are tough. It tests both people in many ways they hadn't considered. Doesn't mean one shouldn't do it, or avoid the standard trajectory of things.
It also doesn't mean waiting 3, 4, or 5 years before marriage will be a guarantee for success. Though it may improve your odds significantly because the blinders can only stay on for so long during a specific Stage.
The only real thing I think helps is knowledge of the trajectory. The knowing/seeing of it helps a person navigate it and see when they have the blinders on. That's the most important thing. Along with knowing and accepting the negative and suffering are always waiting for us down the road.
Most people seek out an LTR to be free of the suffering of being single/alone. Once they've been in the LTR for awhile they are yearning to be free of that suffering and single again.
It's natural and knowing that about oneself can help immeasurably when confronted with it. At least that's been my own experience. Engaged twice, never married, but do still long for the idea of it and a family.