[Bodhisattva]

What's up guys, I'll make this short and sweet. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years. Throughout our time together there have been a few red flags that have stuck with me and made me question her long term potential. My first red flag was at 7 months in. I caught exchanging 'likes' with some guy who had been hitting on her via Instagram. Call me old-fashioned but I don't play that shit. That is modern day flirting. I dumped her and she spent a week begging me to take her back. We had a vacation booked for the following month and I still wanted to be with her so I caved. We got back together and both decided to delete social media. A little more than year in we decide to move in together. While out shopping for home decor ?? we bumped into a coworker of mine who happens to be a good looking guy. I introduced her and after he and I bullshitted for 5 minutes, I noticed her breaking neck to check him out more than once. I didn't say anything but it festered in my mind for a while. My final straw came a couple weeks ago. We went to a wedding of a friend of mine. I stepped out with a buddy of mine to smoke a joint without letting her know. When I came back one of the guys at the table, who's a mutual friend of the groom, asked me if it was ok if my girlfriend could have a cigarette because she had asked him for one. Mind you she had quit a while back and I found it inappropriate to say the least that she thought it was no big deal to ask another man for a cigarette as he was stepping outside to have one. I dismissed it by saying yeah I did mind and left it at that since I didn't want to ruin my friend's wedding. When I later brought it up to her she claimed I was being extremely jealous and that her intention was not to step outside and smoke with him but rather to wait until I got back to step outside with me. I'm not sure whether to believe that. Regardless I think the implication is enough when you ask someone for a cigarette as they're going to have one themselves. I've had a hard time being able to trust this girl all the way. Should I dump her?

[samsamsam]

Sounds like you are thinking about it. Once this is planted in your head it probably won't stop. But I am curious what other people have to say.

[Travesty]

This is just another admission to the opinion I've stated quite a few times recently.

If your girl doesn't see you as a super star and is testing the waters constantly by poking at you, it is the beginning of the end.

All these shit tests is her telling you to up your game by a full step to get her back in check. Your current level of maintenance game is not enough for this chick.

Question is does she deserve harder work on your end? Do you want to put in the effort to up your game that much?

For many American chicks that answer is a huge no, they don't deserve more game like they want, they deserve a blocked phone number and apartment with cats.

[Bushido]

She is sketchy. Always trust your gut.

[CleanSlate]

If you have to ask whether you should dump her, the answer is probably yes.

[PolymathGuru]

Get one last fuck, take the condom off, throw it her face. Then break up with her.

But seriously, if you don't trust a chick, why bother with her?

[amusedmastery]

Pump and dump. Ingloriously!

[swiss rabbit]

In my opinion, while her behavior is unacceptable, the break-up initially was harsh. I think in a relationship with mature adults, a break-up should never be used as a tool. For me, a break-up is THE FINAL BREAK. I've had girls who tried to use it as a tool, when they got mad, they would say "ok it's over", and I would warn them that for me it's not a joke and it is absolutely absolutely over without there being any contact all if we do break up -- they don't mess around with break-ups if you have this line (but neither should you use it lightly)

Getting back to other points of you post...IMO, you sound to be a bit too jealous and too controlling, but nonetheless, her behavior is also very unacceptable (breaking head to take a look, cigarette, etc). I mean, the funny thing is, I bet if you do the same exact thing, she will go 5x apeshit. This may not be the best advice: You should open up your prospects a bit and flirt with other girls, see how she reacts, and consider distancing yourself from her. Some people here are just posting: YEAH MAN BREAK UP WITH HER, but I know after 2-years of being together, it's not that simple.

[swiss rabbit]

(08-06-2015 11:33 PM)Travesty Wrote:  

All these shit tests is her telling you to up your game by a full step to get her back in check. Your current level of maintenance game is not enough for this chick.

Totally agree, need to step up your game and not be so complacent. Step up your game the way you would as if you were single, don't be complacent.

[eradicator]

Here is the best way to dump her: just start calling and texting like 5 times a day and tell her you want to spend more and more time with her and be an insufferably weak and pathetic. If you dump her, she will want to get back together.

[1026]

Dr. Pheel is I'm session.*

Almost 2 years is quite a bit of time with a person to just up & dump them in one glorious moment of an alphian shiv to heart as you exit the door.

Personally I suggest, as in any LTR headed down the drain. That you focus on secondary & tertiary pussy streams. Get some plates spinning son.

Pedalstilation is almost unavoidable in any meaningful LTR. Some new pussy will definitely have you feeling & relating differently to her. It will naturally & organically enact so called dread game.

But & I quote "I've had a hard time trusting this girl all the way" - some pessimism with regards to a woman's loyalty is always best. You've seen her eyeing other guys. Trust your gut when in doubt. A truly committed woman would never reveal a wandering eye. It is possible an alpha can step in take her as he pleases.

As a recap, begin running game on new prospects, prepare for the bachelor life, mine the remaining sex that you can from your LTR & above all MAINTAIN FRAME than a motherfucker.

[Dalaran1991]

All the things that she did was no shit test. That was straight up, blatant disrespect for you. Seriously, she openly checks out guys when you are out? Then the bullshit excuse about smoking a joint?

Come on man. Imagine if this happens to your friend, what would you tell him to do

(08-06-2015 11:12 PM)Bodhisattva Wrote:  

I've had a hard time being able to trust this girl all the way. Should I dump her?

There's your answer right there. Whats the point of being in a LTR if you can't trust the girl?

If she is not give you total devotion and trust and respect I dont see any different from a mere fuckbuddy. We have enough shit already, we have a girlfriend to calm us in our moment of doubt and exhaustion, not to make us constantly looking over the shoulder.

Normally I would say start gaming other girls and cheating on her while demoting her to a fuck buddy, but I realize most guys would get their head way up their asses with their girlfriend for this to work. So, dump her and go hunting.

Good luck

[GlobalMan]

(08-06-2015 11:21 PM)samsamsam Wrote:  

Once this is planted in your head it probably won't stop.

This. There is no going back once you've had the thought. It becomes only a matter of when.

[Guitarman]

I've not read what you said but just reading the title " should I dump her" and the phrase " red flags", the answer is clearly yes, dump.

Once you've had that thought in a relationship there is no going back.

[Guitarman]

Read your post now and yes! Definitely dump.

I've made the same mistake, took a girl back after dumping and you really cannot go back, people do not change unless they really want to from within. She will not change, the same issues will continue, so yes, dump and do not relent!

[Monxp]

Your question already has the answer. Should I dump her. If you ever find yourself thinking about dumping a girl, you should do it. You should also never take a girl back. Never, unless she is a millionaire and you can divorce rape her.

[Bilboswaggins]

You can't turn a hoe into a housewife. You can't do anything about it, even if your game is better, there's always someone with better game, better lifestyle, better looks, whatever she may find attractive. By what you've told here, it wouldn't be a long shot to assume that she has already slept with many guys behind your back. If you want to keep the relationship going, you have to become emotionally unattached and not give a fuck about her. Strangely (not so strangely if you keep on reading the forum) this mindset makes her more attracted to you.

[Beyond Borders]

(08-06-2015 11:12 PM)Bodhisattva Wrote:  

My final straw came a couple weeks ago. We went to a wedding of a friend of mine. I stepped out with a buddy of mine to smoke a joint without letting her know. When I came back one of the guys at the table, who's a mutual friend of the groom, asked me if it was ok if my girlfriend could have a cigarette because she had asked him for one. Mind you she had quit a while back and I found it inappropriate to say the least that she thought it was no big deal to ask another man for a cigarette as he was stepping outside to have one. I dismissed it by saying yeah I did mind and left it at that since I didn't want to ruin my friend's wedding.

Some of the stuff you've written seems a tad over-reactive to me, but I agree with both the idea that once the thought is in your head it probably isn't going to go away and that your gut is often your most reliable ally in these scenarios.

In any case, the story I quoted above did strike a chord with me. Something's up here.

Here's why. It's not necessarily that asking a guy for a cig is a big deal (was she drunk? people often fall off cigarette wagon at a party while drinkging) but the fact that he felt the need to tell you - assuming you live in America, none of this behavior on its own warranted a "check with the boyfriend".

In my opinion, the fact that he did feel the need means either, a) you have a reputation for being jealous and possessive and he wanted to avoid stepping on sensitive toes, or b) the guy felt a vibe that it was more than about a cigarette and hence felt uncomfortable about it.

After all, if some chick asked me for a smoke, I wouldn't feel any need or obligation to report it to her man. Unless one of the two above criteria were present, I'd feel like it was causing unnecessary drama to do so.

EDIT: Rereading your description, it's also possible I'm not imagining an accurate picture of the party and what went down.

[Bodhisattva]

I will admit jealousy is a flaw of mine which I am attempting to work on but controlling, no. Howeve with each of this instances I'm left with an uneasy feeling. It all comes down to respect.

[Gixxy]

(08-07-2015 11:41 AM)Bodhisattva Wrote:  

I will admit jealousy is a flaw of mine which I am attempting to work on but controlling, no. Howeve with each of this instances I'm left with an uneasy feeling. It all comes down to respect.

If you're having issues with jealousy, you're going to have issues with trust. This is an issue that will continue to show up in any relationship that you're in, this one, or anther one.

You're right that it does come down to respect; It's ok for you to check out other women, but if she does it, she's rubbernecking. It's ok for you to smoke, but if she does than it's wrong because she "quit". Who cares where she got the cigarette from? She's there with you, as your date, at a wedding. I assume that you arrived together. I would guess that you left together too. Are you afraid that the guy is going to take her into the bathroom, hike her dress up, and fuck her? As a partner, you should have some respect for her and what she is going through, and why she is choosing to smoke, or whatever. You chose to be in a relationship. Be in, or be out, but make a decision. But understand that some of the blame lies with you and your insecurities.

In any LTR, people are going to visually inspect others. It's our nature. Your ability to be secure in yourself and your relationship will help you understand that looking at anything is just that; looking. We may be on a "game" forum, but once a relationship starts, the games stop, and real life kicks in. Part of being a man of integrity and character is being secure in the decision to make a commitment and then having the fortitude to go through with it, and the determination to end it if it needs to be over.

[STriple-R]

(08-07-2015 01:46 PM)Gixxy Wrote:  

(08-07-2015 11:41 AM)Bodhisattva Wrote:  

I will admit jealousy is a flaw of mine which I am attempting to work on but controlling, no. Howeve with each of this instances I'm left with an uneasy feeling. It all comes down to respect.

If you're having issues with jealousy, you're going to have issues with trust. This is an issue that will continue to show up in any relationship that you're in, this one, or anther one.

You're right that it does come down to respect; It's ok for you to check out other women, but if she does it, she's rubbernecking. It's ok for you to smoke, but if she does than it's wrong because she "quit". Who cares where she got the cigarette from? She's there with you, as your date, at a wedding. I assume that you arrived together. I would guess that you left together too. Are you afraid that the guy is going to take her into the bathroom, hike her dress up, and fuck her? As a partner, you should have some respect for her and what she is going through, and why she is choosing to smoke, or whatever. You chose to be in a relationship. Be in, or be out, but make a decision. But understand that some of the blame lies with you and your insecurities.

In any LTR, people are going to visually inspect others. It's our nature. Your ability to be secure in yourself and your relationship will help you understand that looking at anything is just that; looking. We may be on a "game" forum, but once a relationship starts, the games stop, and real life kicks in. Part of being a man of integrity and character is being secure in the decision to make a commitment and then having the fortitude to go through with it, and the determination to end it if it needs to be over.

^^ Totally agree with you on this one.

Allthough I don't think game necessarily stops when deciding you both settle down into an LTR. One part of game, confidence. I think you are overthinking some of her actions and your jealousy takes over. Sure, be aware, but don't overthink every little thing she does or say.

I'm not sure if you both can still make it work because I ofcourse don't know all the ins' and outs, but I think when you show more convidence about yourself this will positively affect your relationship with her. Don't think of every other guy as a threat, this will eventually cause a breakup from her side.

Trust me, jealousy (when constantly effecting the vibe) is a bitch. My ex LTR (for over a decade) was awesome. A solid 8 in the looks departement, killer character etc etc. The one thing that made me ALMOST break up with her for over a thousand times... Jealousy!

[Bodhisattva]

I'm all for having confidence and being secure in yourself which translates into your relationship. However one will have a hard time being secure in a relationship with someone who conveys red flags. We're all human, we all look at other people. I'm not perfect but I can have the common decency not to blatantly stare at another chick while I'm out with my current girlfriend. I wouldn't want to disrespect or instill any insecurity into the trust she has in me. This is in regards to someone you're in a LTR with. On a side note what do you guys think about your girl liking some guys photos on Instagram and other forms of social media? Curious as to where others stand on this.

[STriple-R]

What helped in my LTR is just talking about it. I know it's kind of a no go area for most RVF members but when you really want to make it work, you NEED to talk. Draw boundaries but don't immediatly go DEFCON 5 on eachother.

About the liking part, depends into what extent and if it's only 1 guy/girl.

[h3ltrsk3ltr]

(08-07-2015 04:20 PM)Bodhisattva Wrote:  

I'm all for having confidence and being secure in yourself which translates into your relationship. However one will have a hard time being secure in a relationship with someone who conveys red flags. We're all human, we all look at other people. I'm not perfect but I can have the common decency not to blatantly stare at another chick while I'm out with my current girlfriend. I wouldn't want to disrespect or instill any insecurity into the trust she has in me. This is in regards to someone you're in a LTR with. On a side note what do you guys think about your girl liking some guys photos on Instagram and other forms of social media? Curious as to where others stand on this.

Too many guys assume women mirror the respect they hold for their trust. I think you know deep down that you're uncomfortable with what shes doing but you are trying to rationalize her disrespectful behavior because you don't want to believe that someone who you've devoted yourself to would betray you so callously.

(Holy run-on sentence batman!)

We've found that we don't have to justify the poor behavior of others. We try not to lie to ourselves anymore.

That's why people will tell you to move on. When you choose yourself, some cool shit starts to happen.

Odds are, you won't get it for a few months. Your hamster is too strong right now. Good luck.

[Remington]

She is trying to make you jealous. Don't mind that garbage. If she has fucked with your head that much..get a side girl or 3. This will question your relationship with her. After you banged it out for a couple months and you don't want anything else, go for the exclusivity. If she is still playing those childish games, get rid of her and bang those girls on the side.

Value yourself as a person. If you're in a relationship, she should treat you like a prince. Don't take anything else.