[Comendador]

I'm a 25 years old brazilian guy and always suffered of timidity. Until 3 years ago I had no game. Then I started to work out and confidence came up. Now I am a doctor, have a good looking girlfriend and a fine shape. But I am still shy and it bothers me. I know my value but it doesn't always help me in social circles when it comes to being a imposing person. Sometimes I note I hold the atention of people but not as much as Alphas do. Sometimes I consider myself a Alpha and sometimes I don't. It means I am probably not. So can Alphas be shy? How do you overcome it?

This is my first thread, so excuse me if it's in the wrong place.

[Saladin]

Have you done a 1000 approaches?

That's how you overcome shyness.

Other methods include public speaking, karaoke, singing, improv etc. Which may be a better idea for you.

Being able to assert yourself socially is an incredibly important skill. Even though you have a girlfriend you should try out public speaking or something of that sort.

[Comendador]

Thank you Saladin that's a really good tip. Public speeches hurt me but I must practice it some way. I will Do my best when I have the chance.

[BBinger]

Have you completed a residency and are you licensed? Public speaking and karaoke can be invaluable exercises in breaking this confidence barrier, but as a doctor need to take your actual authority and transpose it on to other areas of your living. You worked very hard to get on top. Fucking know it.

If you really, really want to up your confidence take up public speaking in more than one language. As a Brazilian you've got one Romance language down. Spanish, Romanian, and so many others are yours for the taking.

[The_CEO]

In the US we have something called Toastmasters where you can get public speaking practice. Do you have that there?

If not, take an acting class.

[INegUThenLol]

Kinda like asking if a 70lbs person can be strong

[Beyond Borders]

^ I disagree.

Many "shy" people are just introverts. And contrary to popular belief, many of our greatest leaders have been and are introverts. Extroversion is just glorified in our society.

In a similar vein, many people are shy around new people but dominate one on one and small group interactions. In my experience, these types can be extremely "alpha" even if they don't fit the PUA imagination. They can even gain a great deal of power in the larger society if they learn to not feel insecure about their nature and play to their strengths.

They just live under a different set of rules and dynamics.

For the record, I'm referring to the general question and not necessarily the OP's personal situation.

[RichieP]

-No one is statically "alpha" or "beta" - people get into confident or insecure states depending on the situation (Imagine an otherwise-confident jock in school getting embarassed, breaking EC and going red when an asshole science teacher makes him look dumb, etc).

Guaranteed, anyone you think is "alpha" has insecure moments and situations. You just may not have experienced that person in those contexts.Sometimes, you'll notice it out of the blue with someone you previously thought was super confident... and it's like... "huh? why do they care about this lol? They are usually the boss...". Everyone has their triggers.

-If by "shy" you mean insecure/anxious/needy for approval/afraid of being embarassed... then yeah that's probably not a confident/ alpha state. You can work on it and change it if you want.

If however you mean quiet and thoughtful, that can absolutely be 'alpha'. IMO alpha = confidence, centeredness, relaxed, acting how you want, not being ruled by fear. Your "energy" can go outward or inward. Sometimes quiet, thoughtful people actually end up with everyone reacting to them in social situations because everyone cares about being judged or evaluated by the quietly confident person, and getting their approval.

[Cobra]

This is an interesting discussion.

Lot of guys make it seem like "alpha" is some type of achievement that once reached, doesn't go away. The matter of fact is that it can go away depending on the situation, the mood, the day and yes even personality indicators like introversion.

The reality is that for most guys being alpha is a constant work in progress. You may end up being a pussy with an approach but yeah, you will make it up in another one. Or you realize you made a mistake by not speaking up in the conference call and it cost you cash money. So you adjust that behavior next time.

I think that the construct of alpha also varies by context. I mean, in our world here on the forum, alpha is truly dictated by your game on girls, whereas in the sales environment where I work, it's dictated by sheer sales numbers. Truth is, some of those sales guys that can pull hard numbers are petrified when I'm out at meetings with them and ask them to approach a girl. Are they not alpha?

Basically what I'm saying is that for me alpha means constantly realizing my own behavior and through that self awareness, make adjustments to future situations to be more dominating, aggressive and charming. From that standpoint, OP, what you should be asking is really not "if I'm alpha enough" but rather, "what should I do to control that behavior next time." Thats a lot harder than getting some alpha patch of honor. This process is never over till you hit the ground one last time.

[jamaicabound]

(04-15-2015 07:11 AM)Beyond Borders Wrote:  

^ I disagree.

Many "shy" people are just introverts. And contrary to popular belief, many of our greatest leaders have been and are introverts. Extroversion is just glorified in our society.

In a similar vein, many people are shy around new people but dominate one on one and small group interactions. In my experience, these types can be extremely "alpha" even if they don't fit the PUA imagination. They can even gain a great deal of power in the larger society if they learn to not feel insecure about their nature and play to their strengths.

They just live under a different set of rules and dynamics.

For the record, I'm referring to the general question and not necessarily the OP's personal situation.

I totally agree with this post. I think many people think an alpha has to be the loudest most boistorous center of attention and that's just not true. Granted that person will oftentimes get the most attention, sometimes positive sometimes negative.

I think shyness also gets confused with introversion. Personally I'm an introvert. Meaningless small talk to me is almost painful as I just see no point to it and its difficult. That said if I'm with a smaller group of people I'm comfortable around or even with strangers but talking about a topic I'm interested in and I'll dominate the conversation and be the life of the party.

I found I was trying to front as being more outgoing and honestly it's not a bad thing to do for practice. For example, lately a task I've given myself is chat with everyone I come into contact with whether male or female whether it be in an elevator, cashier at a store, someone standing in line with me.

It gets me out of my comfort zone and challenges me a bit.

[samsamsam]

OP, if I may ask why does it matter?

If this is just for a conversation and to exchange ideas, great.

But I just caution against getting caught up with labeling and identifying too much with it. What I mean is, just try and be better every day. Work on the things you want to improve on. Keep plugging away. That is all that you can do. Don't box yourself in or set up limiting beliefs about yourself because you think you can or can't be this or that.

[Nascimento]

Being either an introvert or extrovert is so black and white, and can be quite confusing especially when terms such as shy and outgoing are paired along.

Being shy is commonly seen as being hesitant in social interactions, more withdrawn, more anxiety, and is almost always assigned to introverts. I do believe introverts are more predisposed to being shy because social interactions take effort for us and it takes more practice to gain social confidence, where the extrovert will just develop these things normally as they gravitate to social scenarios by nature.

You just need more social practice. If you're indeed an introvert (predominantly, that is) and I'm assuming you are because extroverts do not usually have this 'shy' issue, then you will have to put the work in. Don't think you are doomed for any reason.

Once you become socially proficient, you'll be content with the fact you enjoy social things but you also need your own space. The point you want to get to is where you may avoid social situations not because you're shy or afraid, but because at the moment you actually prefer to be alone, knowing you'll go next time.

[DJ-Matt]

I do karaoke and public speaking all the time, but I am shy around strange women.

[heavy]

Everything above is great feedback. I would add a note on something I consider an under-discussed concern in psychological circles, as well as here regarding gaming women and OP's question on shyness.

Convergent vs Divergent Thinking

Many professions, certainly in the health care industry, are are almost completely based on convergent thinking. This is where there are a number of variables and factors presented, and you're job is to come up with the correct answer. This is also something most men have naturally. We want to 'solve the problem'.

We can all think of examples...if not just open a textbook or any type of test. They're all asking you for the correct answer.

The opposite of convergent thinking is divergent thinking. The best explanation I've seen of this is from Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers:

Quote:

Write down as many different uses that you can think of for the following objects: 1. a brick 2. a blanket
This is an example of what’s called a “divergence test” (as opposed to a test like the Raven’s, which asks you to sort through a list of possibilities and converge on the right answer).
It requires you to use your imagination and take your mind in as many different directions as possible.
With a divergence test, obviously there isn’t a single right answer.
What the test giver is looking for are the number and the uniqueness of your responses.

...
It's not a secret that men in "nerdier" professions like the sciences where convergent thinking is required tend to be naturally worse at game, whereas more creative fields such as marketing and sales where divergent thinking is required tend to be naturally better at game.

OP, I suspect your "shyness" actually stems from a lack of confidence, perhaps not in yourself as a person or in your ability as a doctor or in other areas of life, but rather in your confidence as a divergent thinker who can create beauty out of random bull-shit.

And we all know chics dig a beautiful story created out of random bull-shit.

I work in a very high convergent career right now. I can tell during the week and on Friday after work, I'm terribly prepared for gaming and creating bull-shit.

Knowing and understanding this alone should help you not beat up on yourself for being shy. The next step is re-wire your brain before being social (creative exercises).

Hopefully that helps.

Edit: Damn, didn't answer your question. Yes, alphas can be shy.

[Comendador]

This is high level psychology. You are right. I do have a convergent way of thinking. I guess men are predisposed to logical thinking. Men who can talk randomly with divergent way of thinking probably are in a good environment to do so or just practice a lot. Sometimes I just don't wanna talk and stay quiet when a topic is bullshit just like a member said. I don't like to talk about things I don't know. But it's not that. I just feel shy when I arrive in a group of strangers ( male or female) or when someone ask me to talk in a group when I am not prepared. When I am mentally prepared I can do such things but it isn't natural for me like for some people I know.

I agree with you guys, it's a matter of practice and improve ourselves everyday in all aspects of life. I don't have much time but I will keep coming back to the topic. My life is A rush. I am in my first year of residency in Internal Medicine and intend to be a cardiologist, responding the question of the guy above. Thanks for the help!

[Dantes]

(04-14-2015 10:31 PM)Comendador Wrote:  

I'm a 25 years old brazilian guy and always suffered of timidity. Until 3 years ago I had no game. Then I started to work out and confidence came up. Now I am a doctor, have a good looking girlfriend and a fine shape. But I am still shy and it bothers me. I know my value but it doesn't always help me in social circles when it comes to being a imposing person. Sometimes I note I hold the atention of people but not as much as Alphas do. Sometimes I consider myself a Alpha and sometimes I don't. It means I am probably not. So can Alphas be shy? How do you overcome it?

This is my first thread, so excuse me if it's in the wrong place.

There is nothing wrong with being introverted. Plenty of strong and successful men are. However, if you are timid due to a lack of self-confidence then yes, this will inhibit your personal and professional efficacy and fulfillment.

The key to overcoming this is to push yourself just beyond your comfort zone in social contexts. This is the zone where true growth and development occurs. Focus more on building social confidence as opposed to worrying if you are Alpha. Most of us are a blend of Alpha and Beta. Lots of guys want to think they are true Alphas, but in reality very few are.