[Mortician]

It is kinda' funny that the fact we are all gonna' die - means I have a job for life.

Anyway - I want to share some stories and answer any questions you have about this field. I have being working as a mortician for 9 years now and overall it is a pretty good field to work in.

I am a lazy guy (truth be told). So - I figured I could make more money and work fewer hours if I went into a field where most people are put off by the "ick" factor.

Later on - I will give my thoughts about the Cryogenic Freezing industry since that is a field I am looking to move into. I have heard some crazy stories which suggests it is a market that can still be tapped up by small timers.

[therajraj]

What are your thoughts on that guy who was fucking the corpses?

Ever get a super hottie come in in pristine condition and cop a feel?

[Gumbril]

Hello Mortician!

Tell us about tell tale evidence of sluthood, whoredom, drug use or other hard living you've seen on a human body

[Mortician]

I will get on to some of those stories soon.

But I will tell you this for now. Women love this shit.

You ever pick up those dumb magazines they read? Puzzles and murder weekly. Women have sick minds and are fascinated by a dude who spends all day stitching up dead people. My boss taught me this on the first day on the job. There is a reason why more women than men used to attend the public executions in the UK (where I did my training). They have truly prurient minds.

I think it is something to do with the fact they shit blood out their pussy every month. Blood and sex are intertwined in their libido.

[ryanf]

Have you seen anything in your experiences that has affected your belief in a soul or the afterlife?

[Mortician]

The first thing you notice about dead people - is that it looks like they are breathing.

This may seem mad - but your brain is conditioned to seeing the chest raise and fall as it breathes. Throughout your whole life - when you have seen a chest, it has been moving.

And you mind often seems to see that when you are looking at a dead body. It is kinda' like an optical illusion.

As for an afterlife? Nope. Nothing. I am an atheist myself. And I think it helps me do the job. This is one of those areas where your belief system will bring different types of meaning to it - depending on what death means to you.

Still - with that said - there is nothing sadder than wiping away the tears of a child who has died. It is poetic and tragic at the same time. As I look at the damp tissue - I feel like I have wiped away the last trace of a child's soul. At moments like that I really wish I was religious.

[ryanf]

Thanks, that's an interesting topic to me. Have you ever had any real scary shit happen? Like a dead person sitting straight up or something crazy like that?

[Parlay44]

Do you attract more goth type girls or regular girls? Have you ever fucked a girl in the same room as a corpse? Are you a metal head?

[Mortician]

I am not in to any of that freaky shit.

It is true that goth chicks are attracted to shit like this. Chicks are so dumb they still think the shit that was rebellious when they were 9 is still cool as adults. So - yeah - those kind of chicks really dig dead bodies and scary shit. But that is because they are literally retarded.

Corpses don't suddenly spring to life in western countries. Shit like that sometimes happens in poorer countries. But even then - I suspect their is so kind of scam element going on in order to try and claim compensation. I say this because once you have being around a few dead bodies - it just seems impossible that you could ever mistake a dead person for somebody in a coma.

[ColSpanker]

Are the preservative chemicals biodegradable? I used to wonder about that because if they still use formaldehyde that makes cemeteries toxic waste dumps.
I did some work in the death care industry (US) years ago. I had this notion that tombstones represented the ultimate in art. After all, many of the great cemeteries (Laurel Hill in Philadelphia) were designed so that people could walk among the stones and reflect on the lives of famous people. So I went into the memorial industry as a salesman. Briefly.
What I found out is that most people don't give a shit about what kind of marker stands over Aunt Martha's grave. Just make it cheap. And the older cemeteries are going to hell from neglect.

[Mortician]

Yeah - the chemicals are now biodegradable. At least in the UK and in Denmark.

I can't speak for the US but an American company supplies our chemicals. So I am guessing things have changed over there as well.

To be honest - I am very matter of fact about death. Truth be told I think you are a sucker if you waste money on a grand funeral/headstone. My body is going to the local university when I die. I have better things to waste money on that a fucking grave.

[Parlay44]

Do you have any pictures of hot dead girls? Have you ever cracked open a cold one?

[Alpha_Romeo]

How did you get involved in this line of work in the first place? Was it a case of, "When I grow up I wanna be a ..."? Following on advice from a career counselor? Friend or family member already involved in the business?

[Atlantic]

They have a story back home about a funeralwake they had for a recently dead friend in a pub. The top half of the coffin is left open in the middle of the room containing the body for people to morn and grieve over the body. Everybody stayed up all night drinking and telling old stories about their recently departed buddy. About 3am when everyone is hammered and also while someone is mid story the corpse pops up by himself from his open casket to a sitting position. The story goes that everybody shit themselves and freaked out big time. Some people tried jumping out windows while others ran out the door and didn't come back haha. Afterwards they figured out it was the onset of rigamortis that cased the body to jump up but everyone thought it was a ghost or he returned to life (old part of Ireland where people are still very superstitious).

Is this kind of thing common and have you ever seen dead bodies make sudden movements?

[Mortician]

To all the replies and questions, the more i think about it, the better is the idea of a detailed datasheet. I will try to drop a comprehensive datasheet later this week. So ask more questions because this will give me a good idea of what people want to read in the datasheet.

To briefly answer Parlay44, one of the best lines at gothic festival/vampire lit chicks is when they asked me what my job is, and i replied "I'm a Mortician". You should see their reaction-- not just the light in their eyes, but the body language and the level of interest. They instantly start generating fantasies and narratives about me that is not even remotely true, just because they read twilight, frankenstein and watch shitty horror movies and other dumb shit. Chicks are dumb.

Anywho, later this week i will drop a detailed datasheet.

[MMX2010]

Is it possible to enter into this field without a specialized college degree? In my case, I'm 39 and studied pre-med in college, but have zero interest in going back to undergrad just to pursue this profession. But I would pursue it if I didn't need to go back to college.

[Mortician]

No degree needed.

You get on the job training and then you will be pushed towards certain qualifications - should you be interested or your employer want you to rack some up. A lot of it is just online bullshit. At least in the UK.

[Goldin Boy]

Great AMA topic, Mort!

Question: Are death erections real? Like in the scene below?

@ MMX, I'm not discrediting Mortician but since he's in Denmark and you're in the US you might want to look up your state's requirements. My state NY requires certification and 2-year degree.

[Richiavelli]

(03-08-2015 03:21 PM)Goldin Boy Wrote:  

Great AMA topic, Mort!

Question: Are death erections real? Like in the scene below?

@ MMX, I'm not discrediting Mortician but since he's in Denmark and you're in the US you might want to look up your state's requirements. My state NY requires certification and 2-year degree.

By far one of the coolest threads I've seen in a while.

[Bazzwaldo]

Hi Mort
Technically speaking and from your professional perpective, could Weekend at Bernies be based on a true story?