[Hardy Daytona]

A wise man once said, "Life is an adventure in forgiveness."

Now, you might rate bungee jumps from a bridge or bachelor parties in Vegas a few notches higher on the adventure ladder.
But think about the risks involved.
You could climb to the mountaintop of attrition only to get shot down by a victim who refuses to forgive.
Think about the rewards.
A chance to heal those nasty wounds, reconcile with someone you love.

In 2006 the APA conducted a medical study and showed that carrying around the baggage of anger and bitterness can put you at risk for mental illness, for depression and anxiety, as well as strokes, heart disease and heart attacks.

So if forgiveness is so good for us, why don't we do it more often?
There are 2 primary reasons for holding back.
First - accountability. As long as we're still in pain we need someone to blame. What can you do with all that pain if you've let the guy off the hook?
Second - identity. Without this rage consuming me, without this resentment, this bitterness, who am I?

But who's the hardest person of all to forgive?
Oneself.
The demons inside, they laugh at the thought.
When you forgive another person, they're not likely to turn you down and say "Fuck that."
Trying to forgive myself though? It's "Fuck that" all the time.

After all, there's few things as cruel as memories.
Unwanted party crashers creaming through the synapses. Unrelenting, inescapable. You can't even escape into madness.
The nights are the worst. During the day, at least, there's work to be done or a mission to accomplish. Something to distract the mind. But in the night with nothing but the company of my own thoughts, they constantly barrage me with every regrettable incident I've done to date. Even the things I was too young or too naive to do anything about. Justification doesn't matter. The only thing that prevails is the overwhelming sense or regret and embarrassment.

Maybe instead of forgive and forget it should be forgive and remember. Remember that I have to wake up every morning and forgive myself over again.

Of course, it's not all bad. Being chased by my demons has it advantages.
Foremost is a symbiotic relationship were I use the pain to push me to lift greater weights at the gym. But that's a temporary boon.

Do any of you have similar feelings? What's the thought process you experience and how do you manage to wrestle it into something constructive?


Apologies if there's unnecessary ranting or if it's is in the wrong section but this is something I could use a little sage wisdom on.

[Veloce]

Yikes. At first I was like, "wtf did I just read" but on second glance this is clearly something that's troubling you.

Anyone feel free to correct me but it seems that there is a cultural guilt that many Brits experience. I've interacted with quite a few British visitors in the hotels where I've worked and their meekness is sometimes charming but also leaves me scratching my head. Is this due to a history of colonialism and some sort of inherent guilt? Someone help me out.

Anyway, you'll often hear in the manosphere that it's better to regret something you did rather than regret something you didn't do.

By focusing on forgiving yourself, you're only reinforcing your own guilt. This is a self-indulgent exercise and will block you from enjoying life. Feeling guilt can be healthy or destructive, depending on the application of the emotion. If you've wronged someone that didn't deserve it, whether a loved one or a stranger, an apology is appropriate. But sometimes people do shit that is beyond apology and relations are torn, and in that case you can only give an apology and move on. But that last part is the most important: move on.

If you go through life collecting self-imposed guilt trips, you're going to wind up a very damaged person, which is sounds like is what you're experiencing.

Applying a bit of Buddhist philosophy here: Buddhists preach that suffering stems from attachment. Attachment to time is a very common type of suffering. Attachment to the past, and attachment to the future. Attaching oneself to the past yields feelings of regret, remorse, and guilt. Attaching oneself to the future yields feelings of anxiety and paranoia.

Only by practicing being in the present can you release your attachments to the past and future. There are many meditations and mental exercises to help you do this. I suggest you do your own research but if you have any questions fire away.

By living in the present, you may feel that you can "absolve" yourself of whatever shitty things you did in the past. What good things can you do today? What good can you bring about right now? How can you improve yourself right now? Instead of navel-gazing and indulging in this futile exercise in self-flagellation, go volunteer at a soup kitchen or read books at an old-folks home. Go be a positive influence.

[The Lizard of Oz]

You may find Dusty's fantastic REBT thread to be of interest:

http://www.rooshvforum.network/thread-28873.html

If you are interested in a rational and effective approach to these questions, please check it out, and consider reading Ellis' book.

[komatiite]

Sometimes I go to AA meetings because I really struggle with quitting drinking. I feel like I can't socialize with other people without the crutch of booze, and so when I'm in a bad place mentally and feel like drinking I will sit in the old church basement and listen to the old timers speak. 99% of the stuff you hear in there are fluff and generalizations, but there's always one person who says something that resonates.

I will feel guilty about drinking and wasting a day hungover, or making a fool of myself when blackout drunk, but some of the shit I've heard in there boggles my mind. One woman spoke of how she have birth to her baby a week after being sent to rehab- she had been high on meth for the entire duration of her pregnancy, and her child was born with serious mental disabilities. Another guy was having an affair with a married woman and killed her drinking and driving. Imagine how he feels now- he ruined his life, the woman's, and her husbands.

How do these people get past that? Yes, they rationalize how "God" has forgiven them from their actions their "disease" caused, which I cannot wrap my head around. How can someone who has never believed in God prior to an incident like that suddenly embrace Him, and move on past their mistakes?

I've come to realize the key to how these people forgive themselves stems from three tangible actions, with no God involvement:
1. Talking about what they did to someone else
2. Helping others so they don't make the same mistakes
3. And most importantly, allowing time to pass...

It is probably easier to forgive yourself if you talk about it with others. It helps get the weight off your shoulders, and probably helps them move on if someone else either reassures them or they can help someone avoid their own mistakes. However, I feel these might just be temporary distractions while they wait for the passage of time to slowly erase the pain caused by their demons.

I know AA has its critics, and I don't agree with much of it either. I go when I feel overwhelmed or lonely, and it helps me in that regards. I hope it doesn't seem like I am advocating for people to go to AA for any reasons, I am not. This is just an "insiders look" on how people in that program move on past their mistakes and forgive themselves. 99% of people would never need AA because they don't have drinking or drug problems... But many regular people could benefit from some of the life skills suggested by the program, they will just never have the need to be exposed to them.

[lskdfjldsf]

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things become new."
2 Corinthians 5:17

I don't mean to preach, but there's a reason religion has shaped everything from the way you date girls to the food you eat to the borders of the country where you live. It's central to the human experience, and for thousands of years, with practically no geographical limitations, has transformed the world around us politically, socially, and ideologically. At the heart of this is a deep spiritual connection with the individual, through the forgiveness of past wrongs before yourself and before God.

Self guilt held me down in life for a very long time, and in retrospect was my biggest obstacle to self improvement. In searching for answers I became a Christian, and entering life again with a clean slate felt like being lost in a desert for years and finally having a glass of water. Answers are out there if you're willing to look for them with enough heart.

Hopefully this doesn't derail into a religious debate, but there are numerous members here, myself included, who would be glad to share their own experiences as well as further insight into something that has worked for millions - feel free to PM.

[TheWastelander]

Try to step outside yourself and realistically think about the things that you're regretting. Are they really all that serious?

Furthermore, what do you get out of regretting shit? Nothing. It happened. Every one of us has done or not done something that we regret. All you can do is move on and try not to make the same mistake again.

It sounds like you're depressed. How much sunshine are you getting? Are you eating well? Are you sleeping well?

[Sp5]

I usually forget stuff that I never think I'm gonna forget pretty quickly. If I dig deep I can find my fuck-ups, but only then.

There was some study that said there was a neurological basis for that; I heard it on the radio a few years ago.

[Phoenix]

My younger self used to be pretty awful at blaming himself. As I recall vaguely, he was of the opinion that he was a complete piece of shit. I, however, have a completely normal and healthy attitude towards myself, one that's very accepting and very objective. This is part of the reason I chose the username 'Phoenix'.

A big part of this was objectively thinking about the nature of my failings during those years. From this I realized what I was doing wrong or what I should have been doing. The question that followed this was "why didn't I do that?". The answers slowly started to come out: much of it hadn't actually been my fault, it had been the fault of others. Why I defaulted to always blaming myself instead of those who were responsible is a more complicated question. I suspect it was because they were sociopaths (absolutely always right), and thus by default I tended to believe (or was made to believe) I was always wrong. It can be difficult to tell you are living in a sociopathic environment - 'being inside the bubble' etc. You only realize the extent of it when you spend time outside that environment.

To forgive yourself, I suggest the following:
- Work out exactly what you are blaming on yourself. Then make certain that you were truly to blame. You may find that, being honest and fair with yourself, other people may actually have been to blame. In which case this is a valuable discovery - you can distance yourself from those people, and thereby improve your life.
- If the incidents you are ashamed of are in the distant past, do not take responsibility for them. I don't consider myself to be the same person as the clueless 18yo boy that came before me, I am a completely different person. Hence I don't bear responsibility for any of his failings. I have no control over what his actions were any more than I have control over what Thomas Edison's actions were.
- If the incidents are more recent, you need to change your attitude towards them. Making mistakes is a completely normal part of life, and widely accepted as so. Whenever I make a mistake that results in pain for me (or even suspect I made a mistake - you can never be sure whether you had control over certain things), I don't chastise myself for it. That would be irrational. I simply evaluate the pain, evaluate the mistake, thoroughly deduce lessons that are to be learned from it, absorb those lessons (so I don't repeat the mistake), and continue on.

[Grange]

Hardy Daytona, do you have some positive things you've done or are the middle of doing to balance out all the negativity? I can think of a million times I was an asshole to somebody I cared about or should have acted one way and acted another. Anybody can. We're only human. We fuck up sometimes. The important thing is to remember it not so you can dwell on it but so that you don't do it again. It might take a few tries. I can also think of times I've helped people who needed it, times I went out of my way to right a wrong or comfort the afflicted, etc. It's only fair to yourself to keep that list right next to the bad list.

[Phoenix]

I think some of the 'just get over it', 'you do good things too', 'not a big deal', 'we're only human' style advice is not effective.
It's on par with 'just snap out of it' for depression and 'just get out there' for career.

OP needs to thoroughly analyze the source of his feelings to see the path out of them.

[Renton1875]

Lot of good advice given already.

But mostly agree with the last part of phoenix's post.

You cant go back in time, you cant change the past, whats done is done.

Moving on from where you are can include apologies, accepted or not etc but the most important fact is the lessons you learn from whatever the fuck-ups were. Life is a learning process, always has been, always will be.

Its good to remember your fuck-ups so as you hopefully wont make the same mistakes again or if you find yourself in the same situations the thoughts of what happened previously should steer you on a different path.

Sometimes even as you get older you occasionally repeat fuck-ups you promised yourself would never happen again! but by trying hard you can considerably reduce them.

Nobody is perfect bud, we all have regrets, but things in the past cant be undone.

But any day you dont learn something is a wasted day. Keep strong & learn to accept.

[RoastBeefCurtains4Me]

Like Phoenix, I look back on my life, and see huge mistakes that have nearly ruined my life. For example, I am 50 yrs old and divorced. I married a single mother 2 yrs older than me, and stayed with her for 24 years. I'm sure many readers cringed reading this. I got fat, and thought there was nothing I could do about it. Exercise made me hungrier, and reduced food intake made me starving and miserable, and slowed down my metabolism to compensate for lower intake.
I took the red pill about dealing with women, and learned that a low carb diet can allow lower food intake without feeling starved and miserable, but I was already in my late 40's. I wasted my life.

I look back, and think I was a fool. I regret the choices I made, and I blame myself for wasting my life. However, I didn't know. I was raised in a blue pill society, and I was born with a dweeby, nerdish temperament. I was a natural omega. It took me many years to gradually understand things better and better. It's likely that a guy like me would be a late bloomer, and only become naturally outgoing and socially successful after decades of adulthood. I've learned to forgive myself for past mistakes, and accept that guys like me do the kind of things I did. I know better now, and I'm doing what I can.

Now in your case, I suspect you may have done things that hurt other people. If so, this would be more regrettable, but again, a good part of this can probably be blamed on your surroundings and upbringing. You knew it was wrong in one sense, but life made you 'that' guy. In time, you grew morally and emotionally, and stopped doing the things you regret.

This really gets down to what it means to forgive. You know you did the things you regret, but you have to accept that younger you is not quite the same guy as current you, and you can see the circumstances that led younger you to fall into the behavior he did, and you accept it, and let it go.

[MMX2010]

I posted this in another thread, but TheLastPsychiatrist has an excellent article on forgiveness and self-loathing. The article itself is long and meandering, so you don't necessarily need to read it in order to extract this crucial point:

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/06/a..._look.html

Quote:

Say you yell every day at an/your eight year old girl for sloppy homework, admittedly a terrible thing to do but not uncommon, and eventually she thinks, "I'm terrible at everything" and gives up, so the standard interpretation of this is that she has lost self-confidence, she's been demoralized, and case by case you may be right, but there's another possibility which you should consider: she chooses to focus on "I'm terrible at everything" so she can give up. "If I agree to hate myself I only need a 60? I'll be done in 10 minutes. "

It is precisely at this instant that a parent fails or succeeds, i.e. fails: do they teach the kid to prefer (find reinforcement in) the drudgery of boring, difficult work with little daily evidence of improvement, or do they teach the kid to prefer (find reinforcement in) about 20 minutes of sobbing hysterically and then off to Facebook and a sandwich? Each human being is only able to learn to prefer one of those at a time. Which one does the parent incentivize?

If you read this as laziness you have utterly missed the point. It's not laziness, because you're still working hard, but you are working purposelessly on purpose. The goal of your work is to be done the work, not to be better at work.

For a great many people this leads to an unconscious, default hierarchy in the mind, I'm not an epidemiologist but you got it in you sometime between the ages of 5 and 10:


<doing awesome>

is better than

<feeling terrible about yourself>

is better than

<the mental work of change>


You should memorize this, it is running your life. "I'm constantly thinking about ways to improve myself." No, you're gunning the engine while you're up on blocks. Obsessing and ruminating is a skill at which we are all tremendously accomplished, and admittedly that feels like mental work because it's exhausting and unrewarding, but you can no more ruminate your way through a life crisis than a differential equation. So the parents unknowingly teach you to opt for B, and after a few years of childhood insecurity, you'll choose the Blue Pill and begin the dreaming: someday and someplace you'll show someone how great you somehow are. And after a few months with that someone they will eventually turn to you, look deep into your eyes, and say, "look, I don't have a swimming pool, but if I did I'd drown myself in it. Holy Christ are you toxic."

"Well, my parents were really strict, they made me--" Keep telling yourself that. Chances are if your parents are between 50 and 90 they were simply terrible. Great expectations; epic fail. Your parents were dutifully strict about their arbitrary and expedient rules, not about making you a better person. "Clean your plate! Go to college!" Words fail me. They weren't tough, they were rigidly self-aggrandizing. "They made me practice piano an hour every day!" as if the fact of practice was the whole point; what they did not teach you is to try and sound better every practice. They meant well, they loved you, but the generation that invented grade inflation is not also going to know about self-monitoring and paedeia, which is roughly translated, "making yourself better at piano."

"You don't know how hard it is to raise kids," says someone whose main cultural influence in life was the Beatles. The fact that you will inevitably fail in creating Superman is not a reason not to try. Oh: I bet I know what you chose when you were 8.

The mistake is in thinking that misery and self-loathing are the "bad" things you are trying to get away from with Ambien and Abilify or drinking or therapy or whatever, but you have this completely backwards. Self-loathing is the defense against change, self-loathing is preferable to <mental work.> You choose misery so that nothing changes, and the Ambien and the drinking and the therapy placate the misery so that you can go on not changing. That's why when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you don't immediately crank out 30 pushups, you open a bag of chips. You don't even try, you only plan to try. The appearance of mental work, aka masturbation. The goal of your ego is not to change, but what you don't realize is that time is moving on regardless.

When I read that article, I instantly stopped feeling sorry for myself about a ton of past mistakes and non-deeds. Then I focused on, "What would a gigantic list of important things that I need to do today look like?" Then I made that list. Then I followed it.

And if I follow that list every day for a year, updating it daily as necessary, I will become a different person. (A person with absolutely no need of forgiveness.)

[Saga]

From the above article, "You don't even try, you only plan to try." Damn, that describes my most debilitating characteristics to a t.

Every day, I need to repeat to myself the inverse of that statement...Try, do not plan to try.

[MMX2010]

Same here, Saga. The best part is that you can instantly change this once you recognize it.

My definition of "not trying" is: "A meaningless activity that I've done many times that doesn't involve new people." And "trying" is: "A meaningful activity that I've never done before that involves new people."

The best part is that you don't need therapy to implement this. You just....change.

[samsamsam]

OP not exactly sure what you are struggling with. So these are some general thoughts. Sometimes it is the egos inability to accept what has happened. Thoughts like "that shouldn't have happened. How couldn't have happened" etc. "Things never go wrong for me why this."

So the ego fights what has happened. And because it is fighting the result. You can't move.forward because you are stuck in that moment. Without accepting what has happened you don't give yourself space to make choices based on the newest info.

A random example. Let's say your in sales. You blow a deal unexpectedly. And it ruins your bday your or your week. If you can't accept that you lost the deal, you might not be able to make the next choice to try and close a different deal or go back to the customer and try one last time to get the sale. Because all you're doing is being frustrated with something and not letting it go.

So by accepting what happened you free up some.emotional energy that can be used towards understanding what happened and forgiving yourself.

It's late and I might not be making a ton of sense. but you must accept before you can forgive yourself or anyone else. We've all been around people who are losing their minds over something and you are trying to.help that person accept the reality and then find a new.path forward. But if you can't accept.it you're stuck.

[JustlookingForAGoodTime]

(02-12-2015 02:24 AM)samsamsam Wrote:  

A random example. Let's say your in sales. You blow a deal unexpectedly. And it ruins your bday your or your week. If you can't accept that you lost the deal, you might not be able to make the next choice to try and close a different deal or go back to the customer and try one last time to get the sale. Because all you're doing is being frustrated with something and not letting it go.

The story of my life in a nutshell. I never was able to move past things and they destroyed my life.

[samsamsam]

(02-13-2015 03:10 PM)JustlookingForAGoodTime Wrote:  

(02-12-2015 02:24 AM)samsamsam Wrote:  

A random example. Let's say your in sales. You blow a deal unexpectedly. And it ruins your bday your or your week. If you can't accept that you lost the deal, you might not be able to make the next choice to try and close a different deal or go back to the customer and try one last time to get the sale. Because all you're doing is being frustrated with something and not letting it go.

The story of my life in a nutshell. I never was able to move past things and they destroyed my life.

Sorry to hear that bro.

Though I posted that stuff, I still struggle. My ego doesn't understand people sometimes or why things don't work out when it was all laid out clearly in advance. It is a daily battle and I can't say I always do the best thing for my personal growth.

[Merris]

Sometimes you don't. I think there's things that you perhaps even shouldn't; they'll serve as lessons and reminders in the back of your head. Sure, they'll creep up occasionally when you're in the shower or drinking a beer alone one dark evening, but thye're valuable lessons because they're painful and feel bad or guiltful (is that a word?). Some of the things I've done I probably will not forgive myself, but I'll keep them in mind when I'm making certain choices. Ironically, they're some of the biggest reasons I first got into self-improvement, self-discipline and after that, game (internal and otherwise). These are the big lessons that will hurt even after a long time, but they're perhaps the most important ones you will carry with you.

Other things, stuff you can't control or were unaware of, you should not hold against yourself. Not everything revolves around you, sometimes you're just caught up in something that's happening around you and break a glass with your ignorant flailing. You should try to understand it and accept that it was not about YOU or what YOU did; you were barely involved, and made a mess while being dragged along. Try to fix the mistake and move on. These are the more painless, or short-termed lessons.

EDIT: Then there's the third kind of lesson, where other people hold things against you, but you find those things inconsequantial at best. These are also very important. Your view of right, wrong and other concepts may differ from that of people around you, and you should not ignore the power multiple people with a differing view on an important matter can have. I made this mistake once; I'll not do it again. This lesson was something I'll also never forget.

[Hardy Daytona]

Well, firstly I should thank everyone who's offered their insights. I appreciate your taking the time to help with my current predicament.

I've taken a few days to think about things and try to judge my situation objectively, as difficult as it is with my emotional relativity in the way.
I guess I'll address a few points here and then sum up with my own appraisal.

Quote:

Anyone feel free to correct me but it seems that there is a cultural guilt that many Brits experience

The liberal media does sometimes try to infer a sense of guilt for our history of colonialism and wrongdoings.
I've never subscribed to it though.

Quote:

If you go through life collecting self-imposed guilt trips, you're going to wind up a very damaged person, which is sounds like is what you're experiencing.

That seems to be a fair assessment.

Quote:

Instead of navel-gazing and indulging in this futile exercise in self-flagellation, go volunteer at a soup kitchen or read books at an old-folks home. Go be a positive influence.

I do take issue with houselessness. If there's any such organizations in my vicinity I should volunteer. It may be difficult to incorporate into Maslow's Hierarchy but I'll address that further in the post.

Quote:

Another guy was having an affair with a married woman and killed her drinking and driving. Imagine how he feels now- he ruined his life, the woman's, and her husbands.

Perspective is important. I should remember this.

Quote:

It is probably easier to forgive yourself if you talk about it with others.

They say confession is good for the soul.

Quote:

It sounds like you're depressed. How much sunshine are you getting? Are you eating well? Are you sleeping well?

Not too much. I venture outside often enough but the weather's not too conducive to Vitamin D at this time of year.
I've lost a little weight over the last couple of weeks. Only a couple of kilos though. My diet's pretty the same so I imagine it's a side-effect for self-induced stress.
My sleep cycle's completely out of sync. I'm sleeping for ~11 hours a night from 1am to about noon. I rationalize it by saying that if I stay up later to make myself more fatigued then it becomes easier to fall asleep so I don't spend so much time pondering my actions.

Quote:

Work out exactly what you are blaming on yourself. Then make certain that you were truly to blame. You may find that, being honest and fair with yourself, other people may actually have been to blame

I can certainly think of one circumstance where this is true.
I kept saying "If I only knew then what I know about" but that's a logical dead-end that serves no purpose. I can only use it as a guide for my future actions.

Quote:

I simply evaluate the pain, evaluate the mistake, thoroughly deduce lessons that are to be learned from it, absorb those lessons (so I don't repeat the mistake), and continue on.

Such a line of thinking could well prove an asset to my own analytical deductions.

Quote:

Hardy Daytona, do you have some positive things you've done or are the middle of doing to balance out all the negativity?

In the past, yes. Not very large or commendable but I should focus more on them for balance.
Moving on.

I suspect that the season has something to with my current frame of mind.
I'm always in a foul mood at this time of year due to the fact that my birthday and Vday roll around and are less than a month apart.
The former I despise not for the reminder of my mortality but because there's nobody outside of my family who knows. Or cares, save my best friend since childhood. I suppose I'm just longing for the sense camaraderie and accomplishment at having survived and prospered for another year.
The latter because there's only been one out of my entire life that I've not been single. I had a damn good session at the gym this afternoon to take my mind off of the fact but, as you can plainly see, it still creeps back in. Damned marketing and advertising.

I don't believe that I'm depressed though. At least, not in the genuine medical sense.
I've broken my NoFap for the Idon'tknowhowmany time the other day and have been repeatedly indulging. I suspect that drops in testosterone combined with increases in dopamine and DeltaFosB are altering my current neurochemical levels (at least that's my laymen understanding)
I know exactly what I need to do - get rid of my damned laptop. It sits in the corner of my room like a constant temptation. I need to back up the important files and get rid of it.

Examining the broader aspects of my life, I see that I'm lacking that sense of purpose I had last year. To quote the ROK article, I've lost my Primary Mission.
I'd planned to enlist in the RAF as an ATC and correct a romantic mistake I'd made to bring my personal and professional life into balance.
Unfortunately I didn't make the cut in the aptitude testing. As a result my career plans and mentality towards the foreseeable future was thrown out of the window.
The most regrettable part is that if I'd had the academic sharpness I'd owned when I left college then I would have made it. But because I had no idea what I wanted o do with my life I drifted for years and, although I improved in areas such as logical deduction, critical thinking and worldly knowledge, my sharpness had diminished.
I could try to re-apply but I wont be viable until September later this year. I'm not even sure if it's something I want to do at this moment in time.

As for that romantic mistake, well, I fucked the pooch royally on that.
This isn't the game section so I'll keep it to a minimum. Sufficed to say, I was blue pill when we were together and broke up. Swallowed the red pill. Months later I arranged a date and tried to reconcile. I used completely the wrong frame and screwed myself over.
I broke the cardinal rule of never contacting an ex and worse still managed to make a mockery of everything I've learned since discovering the manosphere. I feel right now like I don't have a right to be a member of this community.

Coming back to Maslow's Hierarchy, I'm not addressing my problems in the correct order of urgency.
My main objective right now has to be to find sustainable work. Secure an income and get back a sense of purpose.
Then I can worry about bang prospects and from there I can worry about the minutia.

[Phoenix]

Have you traveled much? Sounds like you need a break from the UK.

[Renton1875]

Hey Daytona, much better insight to your probs with this post.

Firstly, yes, your right! Your not suffering from depression (clinically) but it does seem like your stuck in a rather large rut, being stuck in a rut can easily find you feeling depressed! Also from your post i'm gathering that you are currently unemployed, this itself can exacerbate feelings of anger, worthlessness, confidence etc all adding up to the mindset of feeling depressed.

Interesting reading from your last paragraph of your post listing what your priorities should be, your right! You need to get a full time, paid job, any job to start with (McDonalds, Bar work, Labouring, etc) something that requires you to think more of the situation at hand, where your working/interacting with lots of different people. Work is good for your soul, giving you a sense of purpose/worth, makes you think, gets you into a routine etc.

Sometimes it's beneficial to have 2 jobs,(1 full time the other part time), financially rewarding but also takes care of those hours where you sit & reflect on the past. On a personal note for yourself this routine would certainly rid yourself of both the laying in bed till 12 & the falling back into the trap of laptop porn, through boredom!!

Again routine is the key here, if your stuck in a rut of getting up at 12 and you aren't doing much during you day, in reality your going to find it hard to get to sleep before say 4-5 am unless you tire yourself out on the laptop! Vicious Circle!!

Better to try & get yourself into a good routine, I have my alarms set for between 6 & 6.30 seven days a week, have several on phones, plug in types etc. I work in a manual labour trade where I can work as many hours that I want, after a days work and maybe visiting family/friends/pub on way home then making food at home, i'm tiring fast, usually after catching up with news/programmes etc on TV i'm fighting sleep at 11(ish) if I want to break my NoFap for that day, it better be quick!!

On the other points of your post, you seem like an intelligent person, been to college, made it through to the aptitude tests for RAF. Life, not just women, is all about gaming, so you fucked up last time, so what! Lesson you should be taking from that is, if you want to try it again, now you know what is required in the tests, you now have 6 months to get your shit together, get your college A game back & piss all over the tests next time. Another in on this subject of the RAF is I've recently seen advertisements in the press looking for Reservists for the RAF, look into it, could help if you are considering applying again.

Ha! FUCK Vday! What a load of bollocks buddy. Get your shit together with job, disposable income, new social circle etc then the gaming can truly begin. With the combination of these 3 things it won't be too long before your confidence starts to grow which in turn attracts attention from potential lays, even ex's get to know about noticeable improvements & like to come back to see what they're missing, if you have too, fuck them!! Your the most important thing in your life, look after #1.

I have January B.day too, yeh it sucks, everybody skint, nobody out, Xmas presents when a kid were for your B.day too, same old shit, again take for what it is, we can't change it, just accept it. It's really not life or death, is it!

Finally, yeh, living in the UK during the winter is shit, especially if you have no disposable income, but I think you may be making it worse by missing most of what little daylight we do have, get up & get out in the mornings for a start, spring is just round the corner! Regarding your not having a right to be part of this community, bull-shit! You've took the first step to ask, sometimes, more experienced members advice on something you hope to improve on, that's far better than being scared to ask & continuing to live with things that clearly have an effect on your well being. Well Done!

[Dr. Howard]

I have struggled with this also, a belief in god certainly helps but aside from that I also found that gaining perspective was useful in letting it go.

For example, is the heinous deed you have done actually important? You are one of how many billion people, even if all of those people judged you for your failings, would that memory even exist in 1000 years? probably not. One individuals actions, over the span of even 10 years is not significant when you look beyond yourself....good or bad actions. The following poems articulate it well:

Quote:

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away

and

Quote:

In Egypt's sandy silence, all alone,
Stands a gigantic Leg, which far off throws
The only shadow that the Desert knows:—
"I am great OZYMANDIAS," saith the stone,
"The King of Kings; this mighty City shows
"The wonders of my hand."— The City's gone,—
Nought but the Leg remaining to disclose
The site of this forgotten Babylon.

We wonder,—and some Hunter may express
Wonder like ours, when thro' the wilderness
Where London stood, holding the Wolf in chace,
He meets some fragment huge, and stops to guess
What powerful but unrecorded race
Once dwelt in that annihilated place

The second is much lesser known version of the first, by a different author but it puts it into a better perspective. Even a great pharaoh has his work erased by time, so will your work, good or bad.

[Phoenix]

I'm just going to assume OP is currently in some tropic paradise at the moment. Literally nothing will clean your psychological sinuses like being outside a shithole like England will. Just fucking do it and report back.

[Hardy Daytona]

(02-18-2015 12:32 PM)Phoenix Wrote:  

I'm just going to assume OP is currently in some tropic paradise at the moment. Literally nothing will clean your psychological sinuses like being outside a shithole like England will. Just fucking do it and report back.

I can't remember the last time I went abroad so its definitely been too long.
I've been toying with the idea of a trip to Italy recently. I'd love to visit the Colosseum in Rome and see the Benedictine Monastic Order.
I'll do a little research into costs and availability and see what I can manage.