[Tod6264]

Hey guys I'm 22 and haven't gotten into dating or really trying to pick up and talk to girls till a few months ago.

I'm sort of a socially awkward person, to me I'm normal but I do and say things that sets girls off. As far as body language and stuff I have been trying to pick up on it and learn how to use it because my last date was like an interview, I just sat across from the girl while we were drinking coffee and not much happened except conversing. I also give off the impression to people that I'm rude because I'm very direct about things, I try to say things with a smile on my face to make it not come off as rude. Also with eye contact I either just smile and look at people in the eyes when talking or I just stare which if had comments from people before that they want to punch me in the face from the look I give off when I'm listening to them.

What is the best advice for me to be able to work or get better at body language, voice tone and things of that nature so I can easily connect with girls and people in general?

[JWLZG]

I know there are acting and social skills classes and the like that specifically cater to people with ASD. They start you off at different levels depending on how high-functioning you are.

Prepare to pay a small fortune for these, though.

If money is a concern, there are therapists and such that charge much less.

Join Toastmasters, improv or a debating club. They're even cheaper and you really get to work on things like dictum and controlling your body language.

Do you find yourself feeling a bit stiff and unnatural when responding to various social contexts? Have you also been a bit subconscious about social integration -- whether you feel part of a group -- and responding to emotional cues?

I experienced much the same symptoms. I took up all those things -- maybe not as extensively as I should've, but they really wonders, especially if you're not receiving counselling.

Force yourself to step outside your social comfort zone as much as you can. Try and get a job that involves lots of customer/client interaction. Don't be like my friend, also an Aspie, who was happy with delivering junk mail over summer.

Also, travel. If I'd the courage to say "fuck you" to my parents at 18 and lived out of a backpack for 6 months, I would've. But I got a whole lot out of it when I did.

[TonySandos]

My ol' girl's brother has Asperger's and a friend in high school did too.

The biggest suggestion I can offer is to ask from the most trusted people in your life to give you feedback on what kind of message your behaviors and tics give off. I myself have Tourette syndrome. Living with this allowed me to see that nearly everyone has tics and default behaviors of their own, each pronounced or subtle and varying in number.

Try to hone in on the body language messages that you commit the most. Find what message you're giving off and if that behavior needs correction or should remain.

Most of all, don't feel awkward or inadequate.

Those that said they wanted to punch you in the face felt that way because they felt uncomfortable for what they projected as being closely analyzed, or deeply scrutinized. It's weakness on their part.

Try to smile lightly. Smiling too big or too long can send to wrong message to many young women today; pompous asshole, too cocky, strange.

You may only want to maintain eye contact only as long as the majority thought is being communicated to you by someone else.

Also, I've had the feeling of being a loner in every social group of my life that has more than three people. I thought it was me, but I came to the realization that I felt distant because I really didn't connect with these people in the first place. I was bored or disappointed with what they had to offer in stimuli, therefore I didn't develop the expected repertoire.

[JWLZG]

(10-21-2014 08:58 PM)TonySandos Wrote:  

My ol' girl's brother has Asperger's and a friend in high school did too.

How did they both turn out?

I was speaking to a specialist in that field and he was of the idea that although Aspies can really evolve into decent social butterflies, being the whole dominant alpha male character is somewhat of a glass ceiling.

I do hope he's wrong about that -- at that time, I was making headway into representative sports and the party aspect of it was typical of the whole alpha complex.

(10-21-2014 08:58 PM)TonySandos Wrote:  

The biggest suggestion I can offer is to ask from the most trusted people in your life to give you feedback on what kind of message your behaviors and tics give off. I myself have Tourette syndrome. Living with this allowed me to see that nearly everyone has tics and default behaviors of their own, each pronounced or subtle and varying in number.

Word.

Go out of your way to befriend a few really understanding and supportive friends that can point out any real and perceived social tics, in any environment -- game, sports, whatever. It's harder as an Aspie to work on reference experiences so having a 3rd person observer will do you wonders -- it feels really compromising and embarrassing, at first, I know.
But the payoffs are so worth the initial few seconds of smallness, or judgement -- which, they shouldn't.

OP - How old were you when you were diagnosed and what symptoms were most present?

I think this is a condition that really needs to be addressed early on.

The thing is, I think Aspies tend to end up growing into a phase where they start to take a real interest not just in social skills, but being much more self-aware of them. It tends to occur around the OP's age. I also noticed a further stage, a few years on, where these traits really come together, along with generally getting their shit sorted out with life.

Yes, you might've 'missed out' on developing a party life in your 'prime years', a solid circle of friends to go out with, but you're only 22 -- stacks of time to flesh out your youth now that you're aware of this.

Prior to, I know, it can be fucking hard to shake them away from World of Warcraft/model trains or whatever. Having an understanding older brother that took you to parties and pulled you up on the way to related to birds would have really helped as a teenager.
Added to the fact that mowing the neighbour's garden or washing their car would've been a far more impactful high school job than delivering junk mail, and it would've given you the chance to game their cute daughter.

Unfortunately, they really don't have the interest in doing so at that stage.

[andy]

It's frustrating. I can tell you that, and I'm 24, and like you, STILL trying to cope with this (though, in highschool, I was involved in musical theatre group, and was very successful at that). I guess half the battle is having the network of friends, everything else depends on you though.

[puckerman]

Get out and take acting classes. They don't cost that much. There is a ton of pussy there.

Toastmasters is great. But it's a bunch of middle-aged white guys.