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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

I'm a bit late to get party here but I was in Ibiza on a mates stag party, we are in Bora Bora beach and the crowd he took with him have some very good connections so there were some serious narcotics kicking about the apartment that week.

Anyway, we had been at the beach all day, I've been drinking and it was all going well but I'm convinced that someone put something naughty into my beer. We met a few girls and the next thing I know, I wake up as if out of a dream and I'm walking down the beach with a fat middle aged woman (basically someone's mum) to somewhere away from the crowds.

Next thing I know, I'm leaning up against a rock and this fat chick is blowing me, it seems strange and its not that great but I go with it.

Then I decide that im not going to be able to finish just through a blowjob so in my drunk logic, it's better to fuck her. I will never in my life forget the rancid smell of her old pussy as she pulled the bottom of her swimming suit to one side. Of course, despite that, I stuck it in anyway.......RAW.

I bang her doggy for a while, I remember her saying 'don't come inside me' but it just wasn't happening that way and I also remember some random people walking past.

Then I lie down in the sand and she sits on top of me, desperately trying to fuck me so I finish. After a while of this, some of my mates arrive and see me fucking this horrible fat old woman. I quickly get her off and make out that I was just chatting or something.

I decided to get out of there and then realised that I had lost my shorts in the sand including a bunch of euros, my room key and all my credit cards. The guys who walked past stole my shorts. Sheepishly, I had to go get the second room key from my mate and walk home back to our hotel in my underwear.

Add to that having to get an Std test when I got back home and discovering that I'd caught something. Just, bad bad times. After that smell, all the alcohol and drugs, I still have no idea how I managed to get it up :/
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

Budva 2 weeks ago. I had made it a point to make fun of my friends' tendency to bang ugly milfs when drunk but i lost that priviledge.

Had gotten a bunch of hot ukrainian girls numbers first 2 days but nothing was happening so we went to trocadero after 1 am so was already drunk. Table of 3 older ladies and one of them is smiling at me. Shes tall and dancing so i go and we hit it off.
Shes serbian and i blame this forum for filling my head that serbians and budva are hard so im going for it.
Next day when she leaves i go to my friends and am met with eye rolls and held back laughs. Im still buzzed and she sends me our pic from the club. Then i look at her profile pic. And damn she was the definition of butter face (decent body though). Just that face man...

I spend an extra minute in the shower ever since rinsing it off
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

Couple years go after I got divorced andmoved back into my place I met a 25 yr old white chick off okcupid. She hit me up and lived in my hood and didn't look great in her pics, but sorta passable and she seemed cool so I figured what the fuck. Met her at a bar and she's got big bulbous nose and is sorta heavy. Not fat, but not shapely. And that not good kind of pale skin that some redheads have.

After 3 whiskeys I get her outta there and drive 5 minutes back to my place and start making out. Its difficult to get a boner. I'm just kind of escalating to see if I can really do this and it seems devious. She won't take off her bra because she's probably self conscious about her non-existent boobs. I get her tights off and go down on her hopefully getting her to bang but she's saying something about I hardly know you. I wasn't into it enough to try for sex much more, so I got her on her knees.

I got pretty violent grabbing her head, face fucking her, throwing her about and slapping. It actually got me turned on enough and she was super into it. In the ensuing ten minutes before I got her out of my place she got us to exchange phone numbers, and double-checked that I knew her name. My reluctance was evident to her.

I didn't even program the number in my phone, but I still knew who it was when she texted me a few days later.
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

This thread is Gold.

I have a couple of stories myself. One involves the typical landwhale, and the other is a butterface, who my friends said looked like the possessed girl off Exorcist. So I did the Christian thing and tried to bang the demon out of her.

The landwhale one will always stick out. Back before Tinder/OKC was around, I used to creep MySpace for singles in my area. I came upon a SIF with a goth look to her and she was from Massachusetts (I am in Missouri). I have a thing for Goth girls so I message her and eventually call her and she has this thick Boston accent. It was a turn on. So I make plans to meet a friend and the girl he is banging up a Buffalo Wild Wings to watch whatever game was on that night. I tell this goth girl (I didn't know she was a SIF at the time) to meet us up there. When she was walking through the door I remember thinking "Oh, God...what have I gotten myself into". After a few beers I went from No Way I'm fucking that to Well....maaaaybe. So we all head back to my friends house, smoke a little and drink some more. This chick is turning me on with her accent and her whole goth look, that somehow I over look the fact she is easily 200lbs+.

End up banging her, twice, on my buddy's pull out couch. She liked it rough (this was before I was aware that 90% of females liked it rough) so she was into the whole choking, fingers up the ass and pulling hair thing. Like others mentioned, I came pretty easily both times. I do admit I was turned on by other attributes of hers, which made it possible for my dick to work in the first place I suppose.

I'd like to say that was my first and last landwhale but then I'd be lying. If it's any consolation I do feel terrible afterwards.

"Once you've gotten the lay you have won."- Mufasa

"You Miss 100% of the shots you don't take"- Wayne Gretzky
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

This is a repost from another thread. I would like to note both stories are from a different time in my life, bad times. My humiliation is reposted below.....


Post: #23RE: is a "slump-buster" really necessary?

I have only fucked 2 fat girls in my life. First one was because I had nowhere to live and no food and I was sleeping in my car-I had to fuck her twice and it was not good, but nessasary. She was only 25lbs overweight, but well below my standards. As soon as my student loans came through I got an apartment and never saw her again. The second one was on an epic bender, I drank an entire bottle of Tequila and "other things" and was basiclly a walking erection. The thing I fucked was 18 and very, very ugly and overweight-she was also a virgin. When I woke up next to it I was horrified....it was a serious wake up call and I cut back on the drinking. No shit, I still look back on that beast as the most unattractive thing I have ever fucked ( I include my hand in the list of things I fucked). I was not even slump busting , I was just blackout fucked up-If I was a woman I could have charged it with rape, carried a mattress around with me for a year,been invited to the State of the Union, and recived several awards for bravery from feminist organizations.

Slump busters are ok as long as they are not too ugly, and not too fat. Think around a 5.5-6 that is at most 15 pounds overweight. She should have one redeeming quality-big tits, nice ass, nice legs, ugly face perfect body, pretty face flat body, ect.. Think John McCain's daughter, Single mothers, women over 35, Belle Knox, Chloe Kardashian, Mark Zuckerburg's skinny sister, Lauri Penny,ect.

Please don't fuck fat girls, it is not good for your mental well being-it is not low hanging fruit, it is rotting fruit.

Delicious Tacos is the voice of my generation....
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

hahahahaha!!@rotting fruit lolllllll

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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

Rotting fruit FTW LOL

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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

I dated a chick with crooked ass teeth and bags under her eyes, but she had the finest ass youve ever seen. Unfortunately, I couldnt bang her doggy cause her pussy stank like dead fish EVERY TIME. It got to a point where i said: "do you smell that?" and she said: "what, my cum?" She thought that shit was normal. I had to take a lot of drugs to date her...
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

When I was a kid, I went on summer vacation in one European country with a couple of my cousin friends. There was one girl that I was in love with. I wanted to date her so bad. Just a fucking kiss would make me happy. But you know how that goes, she was a slut and fucked other Chads while I could only fantasize about her. Note that we were around 13-14 years old. She was 14 and she fucked an older guy back then.

About 10 years later, guess who I found in the night club? Her face was cute but she was fat as fuck. I could not believe it was her. So I had a dry period and I said fuck it so I approached her and 5 days later I fucked her. I could only fuck her face to face so she can remind me of that little girl I was in love with. It was good revenge fuck until I looked down and my dick rage quitted in the middle of sex.

Never had such a sweet revenge in my whole life.
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

This thread should be made into a book.
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

Quote: (04-21-2017 02:50 AM)El Padrone Wrote:  

This thread should be made into a book.

I already started laughing when I saw there was another post on this thread.

Then I opened it to read your short line.

Now I am extremely disappointed, El Padrone. You had my hopes up.
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

I'm not in the mood to go to the darkest recesses of my mind and recall the absolute worst I have done, but a recent story does come to mind. This one is notable in part because I really have none of the usual excuses. I was on a hot streak, in a good city with some alcohol in me but nowhere near blackout.

When I was in Mexico City last winter I pipelined on tinder. I had never used a dating app and I thought it would be worth it to just swipe right on everything and see who I matched with. I now know that is a horrible thing to do. I matched with a ton of fatties and just all around busted bitches, and they were blowing up my tinder the whole time I was in the city.

So I'm having a great time, absolutely loving the city. Drinking tequila in the 75 degree weather and banging sweet latinas most nights. Life has never been better. The night before I had a second date with a huge-titted half Lebanese half Mexican smoke show, took her back to my airbnb and she blew me and then gave me a massage while I watched an NBA game. She then cleans up my pad in just her panties. Only in Mexico.

So the next day I have a day date with a cute Mexican girl I met at the airport, I take her to some patio bar and we have a couple beers but she has to go to work. My uber back to my place gets caught in a shit ton of traffic and I start looking through my tinder messages. I get one from a girl that had already sent me a ton of messages over a couple of days with no response. It just says, "want to fuck, I'll come over"

She is obviously heavy and way below my standards but for some reason I'm like fuck it and I text her my address. She actually beats me to my place, and is waiting outside when I get dropped off. She is so much heavier than when the pictures were taken, really short with a fucked up short curly middle part puffy hair cut. She looks like a little Mexican bowling ball. I am immediately disgusted with myself and I haven't even done anything yet.

I invite her in and she smells like an old burrito slightly covered up by a little bit of perfume. I immediately put the Tequila on the table and start going to work. I don't know why I didn't just kick her out... but I didn't. I take a couple shots and she is already sitting on my bed. She tells me about her life, including the fact that her long term boyfriend is an American who is a professor at some Ivy League school.

When she takes her clothes off the situation is worse than I expected. Sloppy pancake titties, belly like an old nap sack, and the smell... o god the smell. The old burrito smell is still there but now there a wafting smell of fishy pussy and un-wiped asshole thrown in the mix. Like any man in my situation would, I turn her around and figure it'll be over before I know it. As I'm pounding away I oscillate between thinking the situation is hilarious to anticipating a soon to come existential crisis.

I actually think about the One Year of Sobriety Thread here on the forum and figure I will soon be joining it. To make things worse her "moaning" is very deep voiced and guttural and to my neighbors it probably sounded like I was fucking an old Mexican guy. Through some miracle of perseverance I finish and even some how throw a rope in her hair. [Image: huh.gif]

I walk immediately to the shower and sit down and try to cleanse myself of what just happened. I had hoped she would be gone by the time I got out of the bathroom, but instead she is sprawled out on the bed spread eagle, soiling my sheets with her burrito, perfume, fishy pussy, and un-wiped asshole smell. I tell her its time to go and she starts to get dressed. I don't really understand how this happened, like I said I have none of the usual excuses. It is a brown stain on what has been the most impressive year of my playboy career.

I'm still apoplectic with regards to my decision making that day. Anyway I banged 6 really cute Mexican girls on that trip and one absolutely busted one. As she was leaving for some reason I asked her what her professor boyfriend teaches. "Gender Studies" [Image: dodgy.gif]
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

About 10 years ago or so, I had been messing this girl on a fetish site I belong to. She was maybe 24 or 5, her profile pic was her in a gas mask and a leather catsuit, only showing tits (great!) up.
We started chatting and I really liked her. We called, loved the voice.
Because of issues I was having, not her, it took several weeks to meet.
The girl was really sweet and had a great, submissive personality. She was heavier than I'd like but lots of girls in the kink scene are. The real problem was, she has NF1. A pretty bad case. I felt bad for her because without it and dropping 20 pounds, she would be a high 8. With the NF, a low 4 at best... maybe high 3 considering the weight.
I nailed her multiple times that day and night anyway though. She was filthy. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do. Spanking hard... hand, paddle, whip, belt. Choked her with her own long hair (she could sit on it) while I fucked her ass... Even put her on her knees in the shower and pissed on her.
She was fun.

"The Iron Butt is an extreme-distance motorcycle rally, as in it hurts to be in the saddle that long. It lasts several days, and is much more bad-"ass" than it sounds."
To quote an RVF brother, Hoser as he explained my screen name to another member.
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

This thread makes me feel better about my life
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

Quote: (04-21-2017 05:01 PM)Ironbutt62 Wrote:  

About 10 years ago or so, I had been messing this girl on a fetish site I belong to. She was maybe 24 or 5, her profile pic was her in a gas mask and a leather catsuit, only showing tits (great!) up.
We started chatting and I really liked her. We called, loved the voice.
Because of issues I was having, not her, it took several weeks to meet.
The girl was really sweet and had a great, submissive personality. She was heavier than I'd like but lots of girls in the kink scene are. The real problem was, she has NF1. A pretty bad case. I felt bad for her because without it and dropping 20 pounds, she would be a high 8. With the NF, a low 4 at best... maybe high 3 considering the weight.
I nailed her multiple times that day and night anyway though. She was filthy. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do. Spanking hard... hand, paddle, whip, belt. Choked her with her own long hair (she could sit on it) while I fucked her ass... Even put her on her knees in the shower and pissed on her.
She was fun.
So she was into gas mask sex? This is something that I have recently found out about and I'm curious to know what type of chicks get into this? Is this something that only certain types chicks get into and how popular is this. I had a friend show me some of the blogs on Tumblr that cover this and it seems that this gas mask sex and catsuit thing has a devoted following in Europe. Can you share any insights on this topic? Thanks.
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

Quote: (04-21-2017 06:46 PM)MKE-Ed Wrote:  

Quote: (04-21-2017 05:01 PM)Ironbutt62 Wrote:  

About 10 years ago or so, I had been messing this girl on a fetish site I belong to. She was maybe 24 or 5, her profile pic was her in a gas mask and a leather catsuit, only showing tits (great!) up.
We started chatting and I really liked her. We called, loved the voice.
Because of issues I was having, not her, it took several weeks to meet.
The girl was really sweet and had a great, submissive personality. She was heavier than I'd like but lots of girls in the kink scene are. The real problem was, she has NF1. A pretty bad case. I felt bad for her because without it and dropping 20 pounds, she would be a high 8. With the NF, a low 4 at best... maybe high 3 considering the weight.
I nailed her multiple times that day and night anyway though. She was filthy. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do. Spanking hard... hand, paddle, whip, belt. Choked her with her own long hair (she could sit on it) while I fucked her ass... Even put her on her knees in the shower and pissed on her.
She was fun.
So she was into gas mask sex? This is something that I have recently found out about and I'm curious to know what type of chicks get into this? Is this something that only certain types chicks get into and how popular is this. I had a friend show me some of the blogs on Tumblr that cover this and it seems that this gas mask sex and catsuit thing has a devoted following in Europe. Can you share any insights on this topic? Thanks.

Sure.
It really can vary from person to person. So I'll try to break it down based upon the people I know within the fetish groups I've been involved with.
Basically a gas mask is used as
1. A role play prop
2. A way to dehumanize the submissive by taking away his or her identity
3. Sensory deprivation. In this case, the eyes might be blacked out, earplugs or head phones would be used. Maybe even essential oils on the breathing filter.
(For the girl I mentioned, this was her thing)
4. Any combination of the above.
5. Lots more I'm not aware of.

"The Iron Butt is an extreme-distance motorcycle rally, as in it hurts to be in the saddle that long. It lasts several days, and is much more bad-"ass" than it sounds."
To quote an RVF brother, Hoser as he explained my screen name to another member.
Reply

What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

Quote: (04-21-2017 11:25 PM)Ironbutt62 Wrote:  

Quote: (04-21-2017 06:46 PM)MKE-Ed Wrote:  

Quote: (04-21-2017 05:01 PM)Ironbutt62 Wrote:  

About 10 years ago or so, I had been messing this girl on a fetish site I belong to. She was maybe 24 or 5, her profile pic was her in a gas mask and a leather catsuit, only showing tits (great!) up.
We started chatting and I really liked her. We called, loved the voice.
Because of issues I was having, not her, it took several weeks to meet.
The girl was really sweet and had a great, submissive personality. She was heavier than I'd like but lots of girls in the kink scene are. The real problem was, she has NF1. A pretty bad case. I felt bad for her because without it and dropping 20 pounds, she would be a high 8. With the NF, a low 4 at best... maybe high 3 considering the weight.
I nailed her multiple times that day and night anyway though. She was filthy. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do. Spanking hard... hand, paddle, whip, belt. Choked her with her own long hair (she could sit on it) while I fucked her ass... Even put her on her knees in the shower and pissed on her.
She was fun.
So she was into gas mask sex? This is something that I have recently found out about and I'm curious to know what type of chicks get into this? Is this something that only certain types chicks get into and how popular is this. I had a friend show me some of the blogs on Tumblr that cover this and it seems that this gas mask sex and catsuit thing has a devoted following in Europe. Can you share any insights on this topic? Thanks.

Sure.
It really can vary from person to person. So I'll try to break it down based upon the people I know within the fetish groups I've been involved with.
Basically a gas mask is used as
1. A role play prop
2. A way to dehumanize the submissive by taking away his or her identity
3. Sensory deprivation. In this case, the eyes might be blacked out, earplugs or head phones would be used. Maybe even essential oils on the breathing filter.
(For the girl I mentioned, this was her thing)
4. Any combination of the above.
5. Lots more I'm not aware of.
Thanks for the info. This is very interesting and insightful. Thanks.
Reply

What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

4-5 years ago, I was chatting with this blonde on OKC. She had a cute face, but a lack of body pics...big red flag. She seemed cool though so we exchanged numbers. Later that week on Friday night we were texting and she texted me something like 'I'm all alone watching game of thrones.'

Well heck, you don't have to ask me twice. So I texted her that I'd pick up some booze and come over.

Then my logic started kicking in, cause I knew most likely she was thick. So I was ready to go then I started doing some research. I tried to find her FB account to no avail, so I googled her screen name and I found her weight loss blog.

Oh no.

She had progress pics...the before shot had all the rolls showing and everything. Her 'current' shot was better, but she was still pretty thick. I almost texted her then and there and cancelled.

But then I felt empathy for her (Who says players are just completely cold hearted bastards?)

I thought back to my former self before I took my self improvement/weight lifting journey. All those girls who rejected me for looking like a stick. Now here I am almost doing the same thing to a girl who is legitimately trying to lose weight and look better. In those dark years I would have loved a girl to just take a chance and bang me for working on myself. So I went.

I show up and she's living with her mom...who thankfully isn't home.

I meet her inside and she's pretty thick, tall 5'10 or so, but well over 200 lbs. I cozy up next to her on her couch and we're watching game of thrones and chatting then the fight with myself began. She was waiting for me to make a move.

'Do I do this?'

'You're here aren't you, just go for it'

So I start touching her thigh, she immediately takes my hand and shoves it in. She was wearing a mini-skirt with no underwear. It was the wettest vagina I've ever felt.

So after like 5 minutes we move to the bedroom and she jumps on top and starts riding me raw. When she first got on top, I felt the massive weight. Now keep in mind I'm a BJJ brown belt, and I roll with big guys all the time. She was so heavy it was noticeable.

After a minute she's like 'I came...sorry.' I put a condom on bent her over and start hitting it from behind. She's moaning like crazy and then I hear the door of her apartment open.

'Who the hell is that?'

'Oh that's probably my mom, don't worry about it.'

For a second I thought I was going to have a mother/daughter threesome, but no. I continue to go at it and she's moaning like crazy and I hear her mom just go upstairs like nothing's going on.

Anyways I finish up and I immediately wanted to get out of there. So I tell her I got to go we talk for a bit and I left.

She texted me that night and the next day to meet up for dinner or something. I told her I couldn't and she got pissed saying 'Well I don't just have sex with guys, I want to hang out too.'

I didn't respond.

A few years later I found her on FB and the weight loss program didn't work.
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What's the most busted lizard you ever poked?

Quote: (04-22-2017 09:09 AM)Neo Wrote:  

4-5 years ago, I was chatting with this blonde on OKC. She had a cute face, but a lack of body pics...big red flag. She seemed cool though so we exchanged numbers. Later that week on Friday night we were texting and she texted me something like 'I'm all alone watching game of thrones.'

Well heck, you don't have to ask me twice. So I texted her that I'd pick up some booze and come over.

Then my logic started kicking in, cause I knew most likely she was thick. So I was ready to go then I started doing some research. I tried to find her FB account to no avail, so I googled her screen name and I found her weight loss blog.

Oh no.

She had progress pics...the before shot had all the rolls showing and everything. Her 'current' shot was better, but she was still pretty thick. I almost texted her then and there and cancelled.

But then I felt empathy for her (Who says players are just completely cold hearted bastards?)

I thought back to my former self before I took my self improvement/weight lifting journey. All those girls who rejected me for looking like a stick. Now here I am almost doing the same thing to a girl who is legitimately trying to lose weight and look better. In those dark years I would have loved a girl to just take a chance and bang me for working on myself. So I went.

I show up and she's living with her mom...who thankfully isn't home.

I meet her inside and she's pretty thick, tall 5'10 or so, but well over 200 lbs. I cozy up next to her on her couch and we're watching game of thrones and chatting then the fight with myself began. She was waiting for me to make a move.

'Do I do this?'

'You're here aren't you, just go for it'

So I start touching her thigh, she immediately takes my hand and shoves it in. She was wearing a mini-skirt with no underwear. It was the wettest vagina I've ever felt.

So after like 5 minutes we move to the bedroom and she jumps on top and starts riding me raw. When she first got on top, I felt the massive weight. Now keep in mind I'm a BJJ brown belt, and I roll with big guys all the time. She was so heavy it was noticeable.

After a minute she's like 'I came...sorry.' I put a condom on bent her over and start hitting it from behind. She's moaning like crazy and then I hear the door of her apartment open.

'Who the hell is that?'

'Oh that's probably my mom, don't worry about it.'

For a second I thought I was going to have a mother/daughter threesome, but no. I continue to go at it and she's moaning like crazy and I hear her mom just go upstairs like nothing's going on.

Anyways I finish up and I immediately wanted to get out of there. So I tell her I got to go we talk for a bit and I left.

She texted me that night and the next day to meet up for dinner or something. I told her I couldn't and she got pissed saying 'Well I don't just have sex with guys, I want to hang out too.'

I didn't respond.

A few years later I found her on FB and the weight loss program didn't work.

This reminds me of a girl I banged about a year ago. She had a really beautiful face but no body shots. She was very eager to meet, jumping through my hoops and being extremely supplicating. She gave me her address and said "I'm keen to have some fun". Warning bells sounded, and after scoping out her Facebook I found a girl who had lost a significant amount of weight. She had actually had gastric bypass surgery. The before shot showed a girl who was significantly fat. Blood type: ragu.

She was now around 170 pounds at 5'10, chubby, but nowhere as fat as she once was. I worked out what was going on: after having lost all of that weight she was re-establishing herself as a sexual person. She had probably spent years in celibacy hell on account of her morbid obesity. Now she was ready to go.

When I arrived we chatted for about 10 minutes before getting down to business. I will always remember her as the first girl who explicitly asked me to slap her face during sex.

She also had a ball-gag.
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