[unbowed]

I spent a little over a week in Tallinn and had no idea what to expect except cheap alcohol and a pretty town castle.

**Warning**, I’m writing this as a broken down day to day recollection. I made some notes during the trip and weaved it into this narrative. The RVF data sheets containing info on venues for night/day game are still fairly accurate, so no sense re-inventing the wheel. It's a small city so it shouldn't take the player too long to figure out its workings.

I will give my impressions at the end in regards to Estonians, Russians, neighborhoods and what I would do differently. Every day's broken down by day and night. I try and go somewhere different everyday; there are days where I end up in the same spots.


Day 1 - Ferry, Getting Oriented, First Night out


Ferry


As I took the tram to the Helsinki docks, my blazer reeking of tobacco and my boots drenched in vodka, I realized everyone in the car was speaking Russian. I tried practicing my 3 month old Michel Thomas Russian with the group next to me, but inevitably switched to English due to my very limited vocabulary.

It took forever to walk up the ramp, like I was boarding a spaceship, not a 2 hour ferry ride. After waiting in the crowded hold, I made for the elevator but found it full. I was about to walk away when a burly fellow yanked me in. "Don't you worrrry sonny, I got ya! Your computer might not make it though, huahuahuahuahua!" Half out of it, I look up at him and smirk "well it's a good thing I backed up my files then." His stop comes as he bursts into laughter, "Hohohoho you're a good sport. Everyone's so serious here!" I felt like I met the most charismatic man in the Baltic just then.

I went to the hold and secured my things in a big locker, confident the passed out Finns on the floor would keep watch. Down to the main lobby I noticed a rocker girl fiddling with her iPad. We get to chatting and it turns out she works in Finland for the summer as she can make double what her mom makes in Estonia. She's trying to connect the wifi to make sure her boyfriend picks her up at the docks. A few more minutes and no bite so I bid her farewell and head to the lounge.

I got a double espresso and water at the cafe. As soon as I turn around I notice two petite girls have flanked me like velociraptors. The perky blonde blurts out, "Hi! You sound funny when you order coffee. Where are you from??" I smirk and tell her to guess. Her friend points to my bag. Perky blonde grabs at my US passport halfway out as I lightly nudge her hand away. Both exclaim, "Ohhhhh an American!" They tell me they've never met an American before and if I'd like to join them at their booth. Why not.

I make my way down to the booth to find the motley crue of the elevator waiting for me. It's the burly bellowing man and his mechanics. "Ahhh! hahaha! My little niece tells me you're from America! Mr. Snowden, welcome! We can give you refuge from your government!" This guy was something else; I felt he belonged at an Italian dinner party in Brooklyn rather than on a ferry to Estonia. His friends, more somber, were preoccupied with their own thoughts. We get to talking about his boating business he operates and somehow the topic switches to Russia and the US. I heard the Estonians are wary of the Russians and asked his opinion on the matter to which he becomes more serious than his friends, "Listen, things aren't so black and white over here. I have no love for the Russians buying up Estonia... but you must understand - I’m half Russian!" I felt like I was in the French Plantation scene in Apocalypse Now. I inquire more into his business as his mood lightens up again. They fix boats in Finland and splurge in Estonia. He has a truck parked in Tallinn where he and his niece will drive far east. I politely wind down the conversation and tell them I must gather my luggage for the docking.


Getting Oriented


Upon docking I wander around the lot for a few minutes until I spot my host. A quick greeting and we're packing my things up in her little car. She introduces me to her daughter in the front seat... fiery red wavy hair, full plump lips and the most annoyed brows I've seen. We make BS small talk as we drive on the edges of the Old Town. It looks like a bunch of people in an amusement park surrounding it; short shorts, cameras, sandals, big groups. I'm thinking to myself "Nice place, but this looks like Disney Land... where are the locals?" The daughter sat there silent as the mom and I talked. Eventually the daughter blurted out, "Why do foreigners come to Estonia? I can't wait to get out of this place." The mother laughed. I could tell the daughter's been in this situation before - chauffeuring around tourists for who knows what. No worries, I just need the apartment.

After setting my things up, I bid the mother and daughter farewell, and like a little schoolboy ran into the Old Town, ready for a new adventure. Not two minutes into my walk inside the town does a short, attractive Russian woman approach me, "Hello there, you should come inside and relax, watch one of our shows" as she hands me a flyer for the strip club. "Maybe later, I need some coffee first." as I wink to her. "We have coffee and everything else you need." I remember reading a G Manifesto article on Strip Club game, but with the shadowy bouncers looking on and an entire city waiting for me, I smile and move on.

Coming from Finland, I noticed Estonian girls were on average thinner, bubblier and, surprisingly, better at English (though maybe the Finns are just extra shy about speaking). Best way I can describe them is a mix of Scandinavian and Slavic. There are all sorts of variety from tall, short, raven, red hair, hipster, and professional. Tallinn is its own little world. The summer daytime dress was simple and childlike, like a Baltic hippie, though they can don a nice dress for a night out. The Old Town is beautiful to walk through, and I'm sure every tourist will have the same set of photos. It’s also small and the charm became mundane after a few days. It's amazing how much you can blot out century old towers when you're on your way to a meetup.

I see a trench leading down to the Old Church and stop this hippie looking girl in a flowing flower dress to take my picture. After my simpleton tourist game stalls out, I switch to some ramble about the atmosphere this time of year. She's half Estonian, half Russian, but fully committed to leaving Estonia. We get to talking about what kind of 'off the beaten path' sights there are in Tallinn and she marks my map up... basically everything on the outskirts. Getting a bit more personal, she reveals she is moving to the Netherlands to work at a PR firm. I screen for her plans and suggest a meetup later on, only to have her parry with how she has to pack and is leaving in 3 days and never wants to come back to Estonia.

I'm a block southwest of the Old Church when I see this woman, late 20s/early 30s long dirty blonde hair in a slick ponytail, pink flower dress with a white blazer, and the most skillful walk on cobblestones while wearing heels I'd seen. She was going back up the cobblestone path I went up earlier. She walked surprisingly fast up the uneven steps. I finally caught up with her as she stopped to gaze into the Old Town from a watch point.

"Excuse me; do you know where I can find a good coffee shop around here?" In a delicate accent, a bit taken aback, "Umm well there's a nice little spot down the trail there, they make good cappuccino." "I feel like I've been walking around in circles, trapped in this part of the Old Town." She asks if I lost my tour group and I tell her I'm just wandering around by myself. We get to talking and I come to learn she works in fashion and travels all around Europe for work.

After a few minutes of small talk she offers to take me on a personal tour around the city. As we're passing one of the shops, two guys come out and embrace her while looking at me funny. She calms their nerves and they greet me with "welcome to Estonia! Enjoy your stay!" As we continue our walk, she gets stopped by two of her girlfriends. She tries to bring me into the conversation but her girlfriends insist on speaking Estonian. I casually break off from the group and look at some crafts through the shop window. A minute or so later, fashion girl grabs me and we resume our walk.

We end up on the outskirts of the city and back to the centre. I should have taken notes because I'll be navigating this path quite a lot for the next week. She takes me to an art gallery where in the opposite room a bunch of Russian businesspeople are chatting over cheese and wine. She says this is normally open for the public but they have a private event right now. It's almost 8pm and I'm starving. I inquire into her evening plans to no avail, she has to be up early, and while going for the #, she suggests I find her facebook or look out for her, as she's around. I thank her for the tour and walk towards the Old Church.

Right in the little corner is a medieval style grub hut serving stew, schnapps and meat pastries. I get several pastries, a large stew and shots for about 10 euro. Not bad at all. Three Russian girls are chatting at the table next to mine. I ask them if their drinks are any good, and while they smiled and replied softly, they were far too shy to carry a conversation in English. I cavemanned my stew and walked out of the shop to be greeted by a row of girls in elaborate red dresses. I go up to the two girls to my left and strike up a conversation. Turns out a wedding just got out... a red wedding. I screen for after party plans but they say everyone's driving out to some estate in the country side for the week. Bummer.


First Night Out


I needed a proper drink after this teasing day. It's almost 10pm and I'm wandering south when I see a group of rockers smoking, 2 girls, 1 guy, all in leather, all looking aggressive and mysterious. I ask if they know any good music bars around here, their disposition turns ultra-friendly. They tell me to follow them. Fair enough. We make it to the bar, grab some brews and revel in tales of past and future concerts. After an hour, a tattooed behemoth stormed to our table, looking quite drunk and angry. He plopped 4 mugs with one hand onto our table and looked me dead in the eye: "DRINK!" I never saw him again. I looked to the group, "Is this normal here?" to which the guy said.... "I've never seen that before in my life." The two girls giggled to each other as they sipped their whisky.

A few of my table's hipstery friends show up and start talking about a show they're going to. Suddenly I feel like I'm at a college house party, with everyone inviting the strange American to different events. As the commotion dies down, the original group decides they want food. Damn, it's already 1am and I missed a Saturday out. The guy and one girl disappear into the taxi; leaving me with their petite friend who has been calm and cool the whole night. She was clad in a miniskirt and fishnet stockings. Her hair was long and smelled nice. Her outward appearance screamed bad girl but her voice was soft and attitude quite feminine.

We walk arm and in arm as she says we should meet up with her friends at the concert. Luckily we're a hop and a skip from the apartment; I suggest we grab a quick drink. She giggles under her breath, "mmm ok." After some vodka, youtube trade-offs and regulated makeout sessions, she says the couch is uncomfortable. I offer her a tour of the bedroom to which her fishnets fly off. I thought this girl was asexual at the bar, she seemed bored; and now she's gyrating one of the tightest pussies I've felt as her long hair twirled all over the place. After a solid 2 hour romp, she calls a taxi and says she has to be up early. She gives me her # and says to stay in touch.



Day 2:
* Daytime - Reval Cafe, Solaris
* Nighttime - Bermuda Triangle, Levist Väljas



Stretched out on my bed at noon, I wake up to the sun hitting me intensely. Day 2, much sunnier than Day 1. I took a quick shower and put on a v neck and some jeans. I head to a Reval cafe, order a fresh salmon salad, meat pastry and a tea and sit outside. See two Estonian girls across the cafe speaking English with a British accent.

One of them had a long see-through minty green dress that I couldn't stop picturing ripping off, the other one had a low cut tank-top, short-shorts and a pinkish-red tan. As they were getting up to leave, I finished my tea and meet up with them at the red light. "Excuse me guys, I'm looking for a good supermarket around here. I need to stock up on some things and all I see are kitschy little souvenir shops."

Minty green smiles unamused, "There's a mall called Solaris down that way; should have everything you need." I switch from indirect, realizing I'm flailing. "Thanks for the tip. Glad to know the British know their way around Tallinn." Tank top takes the bait, "Oh we're not British, we just lived in London for a few years!" Minty green essentially shuts up while tank top and I flirt, mocking British stag parties in the process. End up taking her number as they hop on a bus.

I get a SIM card at the shop and head for the supermarket to stock up on booze. I see this cute blonde in a white flower dress (Estonian girl’s uniform apparently). I don't remember what I said, "Excuse me is that a good blah blah blah", we end up paying together where she invites me to a cigarette outside. Settled on a # as she's just finishing her lunch break but that I should get in touch this week.

That evening I decided to check out the dreaded Bermuda Triangle. Cheap drinks, annoyed bouncers and the most annoying people I've seen in the bar crawl that should be forgotten. It seems like every tourist imaginable goes to Shooters or Nimeta bar, which are literally a hop and a skip from each other. No shortage whatsoever of British, Australian, German and other assorted travelers trying to get their 2 euro whisky shots and exotic factor on. There are some sets to be had here, but the cheapness of the drinks and open layout ensures an interloper will interrupt your set. A few times walking past the Bermuda Triangle late at night during the week I saw some brawls between Russians and tourists... after 10 minutes at Shooter's, I had to get out as it felt like a lame frat party. I've seen some quick hookups happen here, though the quality can be questionable.

Walking south of the Bermuda Triangle I stumble upon a group of girls dressed as belly dancers. I ask them where the party is and they tell me to follow them. 2 bubbly girls and one dark clad, gothic girl leading. They've never met an American and are excited to show me a piece of the real Estonia. We walk 15 minutes south of the city center and end up on this farm type estate where it's their friend's birthday. 2 bubbly girls disappear to "get ready" as gothic girl takes me to her "office", complete with black walls, skull and bones, crystal balls, a real hoot. We take shots; she starts talking about tantric sex as bubbly girls barge in and say they're ready. Damn. In the hallway, a tall, dark man with a bouquet of roses waits as gothic girl runs up and makes out with him. Well, at least there's belly dancing going on.

Free food and drink with a Brooklynesque hipster vibe, though all the girls entrenched in their social circles. Everyone was nice enough but between the preference for speaking Estonian and the loud music and performance happening; I felt out of my element. I waited for the set change as I approached one of the bubbly girls. We talked about her set, about Estonia and her plans after. She said she would be performing and hanging with her friends all night and she'd 'see me around.'

I marched back past the Bermuda Triangle to check out the grungy Levist Väljas. Total sausagefest with a few 6s scattered amongst groups of orbiters. I decide to indulge in the dirt cheap spirits and bullshit with whoever had an ear to lend. I make my way upstairs and talk to a group of hipster Brits and Danes. A short, stout fellow in a leather jacket shoves me out of nowhere as everyone falls silent. "Oh you're an American eh? What brings YOU here?", as he licks his lips. "Castles" I tell him. He chuckles and says "that's not good enough!" From left field this 6'7 giant shoves him away. "Fuck off you leech, it's Sunday, we're trying to have a good time!" Tall Guy looks like he belongs in Street Fighter if it weren't for his comical beer gut. As soon as he finds out I'm American, he becomes my best friend. "America has the greatest rock n roll in the world! It is my dream to go to Tennessee." We kick back some brews and try to find another bar. We make our way to the rail station where he says he knows of a spot but doesn't want to be seen there because he might have to fight someone. Great.

It's 3am on a Sunday and everything's closed. "I know of a brothel around here but we'll never be able to afford it." We wander around the quiet Old Town as I spot two girls giggling up the steps. "Hey those girls seem cute, let's talk to them." Tall Guy growls to himself, "Ohh no..."

"Hey guys do you know any places still open around here?" Wide eyed and curious they come over giggling, "hahaha no we're not sure. We've just been here 2 days." I tease them and say they seem like they're from around here and are just trying to keep the good spots to themselves. "Hahaha noooo we're from Russia!" Tall Guy growled again.... "grrr Russians, I don't want any part of this!" as he broke off in a drunken march. We start discussing Russian literature and vodka until the sun rises at the Old Church. I try and get them to come back for a drink but they're adamant about waking up for their tourist stuff. They don't have phones but offer me their emails and tell me we should meet where we "laughed and talked" at the Old Church on Monday night.



Day 3:
* Daytime - Central Railway, wandering east
* Nighttime - Levist, Kodu Baar, street



I hear about the Russian market at the railway station and how it's got bags of American potato chips from the 1980s and little Stalin figurines... just what i need as souvenirs. Time for some off-the-beaten path Tallinn. I end up on the Western walls asking a girl for directions to this market. She offers to walk me halfway then turns to her friends waiting for her by the park. Lots of cheap produce being sold at the market, old electronics, vintage cameras, and some Soviet memorabilia.

I see this wavy haired blonde in short shorts and white trainers walking out of the tunnel. I dash her way and open her Krauser style. She immediately starts blushing, crossing her legs and soaking up the attention. After 5 minutes of banter I learn she has a husband in prison and a little child she has to shop for today. She's 23. I'm not feeling the vibe but I mechanically run through a # close to which she responds she still loves her husband. Phew, ok.

I make it north of the Russian market to the Central Railway area. I see an endless track going east, but more importantly a girl in a blue flower dress walking with her friends. She looks at me with eyes that screamed "Who the fuck are you, talk to me right now, fuck I'm with my friends, run after me." I let the group pass as they chat among themselves down the train tracks. I don't have the energy for a big group of friends but there's not enough lone walkers strutting around. Ok fine, bit of a catch up to the group. "Hey excuse me guys, I seem a bit turned around. Do you know of any good coffee shops around here?" The one guy smiles and proclaims "My friend, we are a long way from coffee shops here. We're walking on the outskirts of town, but if you'd like to join us, we were going to explore contemporary Tallinn. I'm sure we can find you some coffee on the way." "Sounds good to me." I smile back as we all introduce ourselves. It felt like the first day at college all over again in a cooler town.

We spent the entire afternoon wandering around the non-tourist part of Tallinn East, 3 girls, the guy and me. The guy had his fancies on the one girl, flower girl was playing coy, while the whale was doing her best to keep talking to me. Blue flower dress had to go to work after coffee (too abruptly to get her #) so I end up touring around with the 3 college friends. Dusk settles and I'm famished. I wish my new college friends farewell as I grab some food and prepare for a night out with the 2 Russian girls.

We meet at the Old Church, all our vibes more subdued than on the drunken night before. We end up at a French influenced cafe and feast on dark chocolate and wine. Some romantic French pop is playing as they scream out in joy and begin singing along. I love these girls. The brunette tells me she found "mary jane chocolate" at a shop in the center and that we should see if it works. Blonde girl is being relatively quiet, making little "hmm" giggle sounds.

We bounce to Levist, grab some drinks and head for the couch. Suddenly shy blonde girl starts talking a mile a minute after she discovers my butterfly (bow tie) is not a clip on. She starts showing me her Russian clothing brand with models giving sexually provocative poses of her clothing. I flip through her gallery and find one design I really like, "You like that one too?? I made that one with my boyfriend in mind. Here let me show you his picture."

I switch topics to their tourist itinerary. They had a long, productive day and are leaving in 2 days. Brunette is getting antsy and says we should go back to their hotel and try the chocolate. End up in their hotel room where we crack open some Russian beer. Blonde's getting the weed chocolate as brunette is showing me her shopping. Spirits, clothes, baby clothes. "This one is for my 10 month old boy." My Russian beer almost spills. I look at the time, midnight. Blonde brings out the brownies, I scarf down an entire bar. "Wow you have good appetite!" I tell her I want to see if this works. Their 'hotel room' is essentially 2 beds pushed together in a closet. I suggest we crack open some vodka but they insist we go back to the bar. I say I have some stuff at my place and they we can walk over there, but they're not having it. These girls seem fun but I'm not trying to be milked for attention all night. I got work to do. We go for a walk near the forest with nothing in sight.

Everything feels totally dead. It'll take us 20 minutes walking to get back to the action and they just seem to want to sit around talking. I say I have to get up early, which they agree on as it's their last day tomorrow, but that we should have breakfast together before they leave. I tell them to email me and we'll sort it out. Hugs and kisses and I'm out.

A standard run through the Bermuda Triangle reinforces my belief that I should not be there. I make my way back to Levist only to find it dead. I find another grungy rock bar called Kodu Baar. A bunch of Russian-Estonian guys are chain smoking outside. I ask them what's going on and they tell me I just missed a show. Conversation ensues and within 2 minutes we're talking about war, politics, philosophy and consumer society. I know Tallinn is giving me a college vibe but I don't have time for this right now. I tell them I'm looking for someone and off I go.

I arrive outside Hell Hunt near the Swedish Embassy where 2 girls and a guy are smoking. I ask them if this place is any good and they scowl "it's closed." I tell them how for a summer Monday, this place is pretty dead and that where I'm from, bars are open til 4am everyday. We shoot the shit, the guy ends up leaving but not before kissing the dirty blonde haired girl. Fine by me as her brunette friend in the blue dress and piercing green eyes is gorgeous.

I say we should see if the Kodu baar is still open and motion over there. Luckily the rambling Russians are gone; we go inside and take the couch. I feel a hard slap on my shoulder, I turn around... and it's the shover in the leather jacket from last night with his stupid psychotic smile. "Hey buddy how you doing?" I half assedly say to him. "Just FINE, AMERICAN!" He reached in and tried to give me a purple nurple as I shove him like my Russian-hating wingman did the night before. Apparently he gets the picture when you do this; off he went.

I apologize to the girls for the interruption and suddenly 3 more girls sit next to us. They want to know who this strange American is.. I cool off for a bit with blue dress and enter into the entertainer role (yargh). I tell them about the USA, New York, we talk music. Finally their guy friend comes and says they have to catch a taxi. The one girl looks like she's leaving with him but tells me to take her # down so we can continue talking. Ok fine, nice to make a new 'friend'.

Dirty blonde haired girl leaves as well, hugs blue dress good night... Suddenly it's blue dress and me on the couch, having gin and getting cozy. She's a classically trained musician so I start teasing her about her girly little hands. “How are you going to play Liszt with these little hands?” We start getting deeper into music talk; I love building rapport by being able to openly nerd out. We manage a makeout before the bartender kicks everyone out. We're walking back down the Old Town arm in arm as I suggest a nightcap and some music. Suddenly she breaks off and says, "OK my taxi is here, here's my #. Call me." Blue dress knows how to blue ball. Grrr.

It's only 4 am and I still have energy. I walk the edges of the Old Town and see two girls walking towards the bus lane; one in a white dress, the other in black. "You guys look like you just came back from a chess match." "What?? Noo we were just at a party!" We start recapping our nights suggesting an afterparty when all of a sudden... like clockwork, the deus ex machina cockblock of Tallinn rears its head yet again.

A fat, bald Finnish man in penny loafers with John Lennon skinny glasses hiccuping inbetween the girls and me. "Ex Ex Ex cuuuse me my fair ladies and gentleman. But buu bu bu but...... Life is hard." Girl in black dress frowns and says "I'm sorry to hear that" as girl in white dress rolls her eyes. I stare dead-faced, nudging the girls to go. "Yeah life sucks, speaking of which we have to go." "no no no wait, please. Life is.... hard. You, you have two beautiful women. Me? I'm married and own a plantation in Estonia. But I am... I am from Finland. I believe in Jesus Christ... I am... a Pastor you see. We could go drive to my, m my m my plantation and drink."

"No thanks pal we're on our way here." As white dress and I try moving away, black dress is firmly planted gazing at his eyes. White dress yells to her "What are you doing, c'mon let's go!" Black dress dreamily gazes back, "I can't, that would be rude. Let's hear him out." I can't take this shit, light up a cigarette and try to get white dress to sit on the bench at least but Father Fatlips comes inbetween me and white dress as black dress beckons over. "you see you guys might be judging me right now because I'm from Finland, but it's not my fault. It's not my fault I'm drunk. I blame our government. You see my government made me come here. But I'm glad I found you."

Suddenly white dress grabs black dress, "Thank you Father, good night!" as they jump into the taxi. I swear these taxis have their routes down on lock. The pastor looks at me and starts mumbling; I flick my cigarette and turn for the apartment.



Day 4:
* Daytime - Viru Keskus, Hell Hunt
* Nighttime - Clazz, The Lab



I'm getting really tired of having every set interrupted or expanded into a standstill. I spend an hour watching London daygame videos. I'm tired of playing the dumb tourist; I need some electricity. I decide to hit up the mall. After walking around Viru Keskus for 20 minutes I think, “This sucks, it's all families and couples.” I make for the coffee shop on the top floor. Ah now that's more like it, large bookstore and cafe with lots of tables. I settle in with my cappuccino but the only set is 4 girls in the corner working on their laptops together.

I caffeinate and after 20 minutes make for my second sweep of the mall. I see this tall girl with a long ponytail wandering aimlessly by the kiosks. "Excuse me but you look very suspicious there, like you might be trying to steal these hats. I don't want to have to make a citizen's arrest today." She's laughing, "You don't sound like a citizen from here. How can you arrest me?" I tease her further on not knowing about Interpol. We dial down the energy and start chatting for 10 minutes. I go for the idate but she says she has to buy a present for a birthday party tonight. "Another time then." as I put my phone out.

I don't want to spend my entire day creepin’ in a mall, it's sunny out. I head out the mall and see this little thing in a pink top, black ponytail, tight jeans with plump lips and a big butt smoking a cigarette. "Hi excuse me, I was just minding my business when my eyes just swerved this way" as I looked in her eyes, scanned her butt and back. Cigarette in hand, body stoic and cool, eyes racing, she smiles, "And?" "And I wanted to say hi, you look cute." Her body language loosens as she asks for my name. She's on lunch break and is not looking forward to going back to work. We have a back and forth for 10 minutes. I tell her to join me for a bit of adventure and she says later would be better. We talk about venues and I mention one where her eyes light up. "Here take my #, text me around 11. We'll grab a drink." Cheek peck good bye. Well, that was easy enough.

My ego, high on its ability to get a meaningless number with such finesse, puts my mind at ease as my focus shifts to food. "Ah I remember there was a Georgian restaurant somewhere around here", I think to myself. As I'm walking I bump into tank top girl from the cafe on Sunday. She replied to my one text then went cold. As soon as I saw her she ran up to me, "Oh hey, sorry I didn't respond. I got your message blah blah blah" She introduces me to her 2 friends out of politeness. I remind her we should get together soon and she's getting the first round and she says "yes def, text me". I chuckle to myself as I find the Georgian flag hoisted outside.
Estonian girl, British accent, American attitude? Fuck it, khinkali and wine it is. I was the youngest and most Western person at this restaurant. Old guys bringing their wives, businesspeople schmoozing, but damn the food was good. I was mesmerized by the Georgian pop singers on the big screen TV. My mind made a mental note.

I walked back up the old town to do some day drinking at Hell Hunt. I went outside to the tables and grabbed a seat as I fired off some texts. 2 hipster girls sat across from me and we started some small talk. One of them had loads of piercings, dyed red hair and was on the chubbier side. The other had the typical 'Baltic hippie girl' look, complete with long, glimmering hair and a flower dress (I love these flower dresses). The chubbier one lives in the UK and is visiting the hippie. As I'm trying to make ground with the hippie, their male friend interjects and sits next to the hippie. Charismatic and outspoken, it was hard to fault him. The girls end up leaving after a few minutes and I'm shooting the shit with Mr. AMOG. Another American lover, we connect instantly as we're both horny, millennial men.

We bounce to Kodu Baar where more of his hipster friends show up. It feels like another college house party and we're just having a good time. Not much quality there but I manage a number from a self-described nerdy girl (yup, flower dress).

I say my good byes and head off for a meetup with daygame direct girl from this afternoon at this jazz place, Clazz. She met me outside all punctual, light kiss hello and we bounce in the venue. What night out would be complete without a curveball? She bumps into an "old friend" right in the lobby who just happens to be performing that night. He steals her away, introduces her to all his friends, then says, "great to see ya babe" as he grabs her head and makes out with her like it's his last day on earth. She turns back to me nonchalantly and says "let's get some drinks!" I scan the bar and see mostly older couples. I look at the other side and I see my nondate and her old friend getting drinks. I order a whisky and feel scammed that I'm paying more for the same drink at Hell Hunt.

Nondate comes back to me, "There's a lot of nice girls here you can talk to. Let's grab a table." I tell her I'm going to the bathroom and have a smoke, looking through her more than at her. Old drunk guys outside singing some drunk guy song. Old guys in the bathroom taking forever to piss. Old friend up on stage performing in a generic band. Clazz is bringing me down and nondate grabs me to sit down and have shots with her. I'll milk her for some alcohol and peace out. After a round she starts talking to the old people next to her. Old friend gets off his set, comes over and towers onto her and starts making out like he's never made out in his life. I take the second round and her cigarettes and walk out. As I'm near the door I hear her faint voice scream out my name, "WAIT please don't go!!" The only way I could rationalize her attitude was she mentioned she loved American culture earlier that afternoon and couldn't wait to come to New York. Oh well, thanks for the cigs, babe.

I cut Clazz to go smoke and drink on the cheap at the hipster bars again. No talent; streets, nothing. What a boring Tuesday night. At least Club Hollywood is open tomorrow. I'm drunk and annoyed enough to try my luck at the Bermuda Triangle. This one bar, the Lab, had a mad scientist vibe with shots in test tubes and beers in big vials. Total sausagefest upstairs and right before I leave I discover a basement area. Go down to neon lights and girls dancing on couches. Ok great. Go up to the one couch, as the girl starts dancing on me. Her friend is not having it and pushes me away, "whoa there, you look like you're having the time of your life." "Fuck you, we don't want men here!" as the irritated one yanks her friend upstairs... to the sausagefest.

This short, muscular guy taps my shoulder and says those girls are cunts anyway and to come hang with him. He's with 2 girls, one short blonde cutie, and one tall, chubby 6. The girls want me to take their picture, fine why not. The guy buys us all shots and tells me, "listen brother I need you to distract my friend over there, I want to fuck my coworker but she won't let me." Turns out they're all visiting from Lithuania, so I stay a few minutes longer to pick their brain. Blonde cutie is clearly all over the guy, tall girl seems bored and frumpy. I try and entertain her but she’s adamant about getting back. As I head out the guy tells me, "Listen boss thanks for your help. You should come to Lithuania; we have the hottest girls on earth. Estonia bitches got nothing on our girls." I shake his hand and leave. Funny guy.



Day 5:
* Daytime - game fatigue, social circle meetup
* Nighttime - Levist, Butterfly Lounge, Club Hollywood (Ladies' Night)



I'm averaging 5 hours sleep. I don't get back until 7am and then feel guilty sleeping past noon with the sun shining. I grab my espresso and head out for some more daygame. My vibe is flattening; I feel like I'm running through the motions at this point. Drinking and smoking are taking their toll. It seems impossible to get any kind of traction here. Just when I think I'm doing well, some random event happens that throws everything into disarray. I'm wandering through the Old Town watching my feeler texts disappear into nothingness, or having the girl text me from Parnu or Denmark. Leads are drying up by the minute. I go to the archery range and practice my bullseye for a few hours. I was horrendous in my first dozen shots; then after some coaching and getting in the rhythm, I started to make progress and up my accuracy. It helped that the coach was a tendering Russian girl.

After I can’t pull my elbow to my chin anymore, I go to my grub hut and chow down some more elk stew where I meet this Dutch fellow who's been traveling around Europe on his motorcycle - tough, weathered face, blistered hands and a big smile to boot. Nonstop gaming is burning me out, so I relax listening to this guy’s travels. As we're talking I hear some vocal fry behind me, then a barrage of "like like ya know".... AMERICANS! My face sours, Dutch guy thinks I just drank too fast and keeps his cheery demeanor. One of them comes up to me, "Hey you sound like an American, where are you from?" They seemed polite enough so I start a quick conversation; turns out they're getting an MBA and are on a 2 day layover. I had no desire to keep things going though as they were checking their iphones; I politely bowed out and resumed listening to Dutch man's tales.

I said I didn’t want to game today, and sure enough, as Dutchman and I are walking to the tourist stand, my college social circle with blue flower dress girl show up. They're on their way for some ice cream and invite us out. Dutch guy declines and disappears with his tourist map, happy as ever, and we start walking to the joint. As we sit down, blue dress is acting funny. She's blurting out sexual remarks while going cold and saying "you think you're funny huh...." I look her in her big blue dilated eyes, "Now missy, play nice" and she falls in line with a smile.

We walk to the Central Railway Station where some gypsy kids start crying for change (but only when they find out we speak English...) There's a big flea market happening on the weekend to which blue flower dress demands I come to. I tell her we should grab a drink while she tells me all about it. She said she'd love to but her dad is picking her up in 5 minutes. *sigh* another #.

I end up taking the tram to the billiards hall with college guy and his girl. On the tram there's a group of feisty Estonian girls in the back singing American pop music. I steal their glance a few times but can't move back to talk to them. We make it to the hall and the feisty girls follow us in. As we're shooting pool I tease them about trying to distract me. We get to talking and I realize they're not drinking. "Oh we're Christians, we're naturally drunk!" Pretty sure I read Estonia was one of the least religious countries on earth... but leave it to me to meet the 1%. "We just got back from a Church group and this is our night out on the town." Two of the feisty girls grab me and introduce me to everyone. What felt like college now feels like 5th grade. It was that moment I learned they were all 15 years old. College guy and his girl are doing their best to hold back their laughter in the corner.

We finish up our game, college guy leaves with his girl as the Christians offer to walk me back. I totally forgot - Lady's Night at Club Hollywood tonight. It was almost 10pm, I bid them “Godspeed” and run to the apartment to shower and suit up. Like a broken record I end up at Levist for curiosity’s sake. 3 girls, 1 guy. Right, right - social, fun college game, let's do it.

I don't know if it was the blazer or the grind wearing me down but all I could muster was a mid-volume "hey guys.". We're all taking birthday shots a few seconds later. Red haired girl is with the guy (Marty McFly), then there's birthday girl and long haired blondie, who will be my contenders for the night. Birthday girl wants to bounce to a nicer bar, Butterfly Lounge. Hey, it's her night. Very colorful and modern looking bar where they serve proper cocktails, didn't look like it belonged in the Old Town. We grab a table, have some drinks and suddenly I feel dressed for the occasion. There's a bunch of Russians at this spot. My new crew is getting a little quiet, as the guy tells me they don't like Russians. They all seemed harmless enough, some Russian girls gave some glances and two Russians guys toasted at the bar, probably because I was the only non-Russian guy there dressed up. I put my crew in a good mood by telling stupid stories about growing up in America. We finish our drinks and make for Club Hollywood.

We reach the gates with a massive water fountain flowing. The girls say they’ll meet us inside; they have to find their IDs. McFly and I make our way through the dance floor as this tall girl stops me. I smile and talk into her ear. She tells me to take her # and call her as the guy she’s with smiles. I eye her up and she yells into my ear, “You’re the promoter aren’t you? Get us in the VIP section. C’mon text me!” I give her the Little Rascal Hi-Sign and make for the smoking section.

For a Ladies Night there’s a surprising amount of sausage running around. We make some approaches to have them DOA. As we’re walking through the crowd back to the dance floor, some Spanish looking guy grabs me. “HEY! You’re not from around here either! Come with me!” I tell him not now. He sees McFly and our girls behind me. “Well introduce me to your girls!” I take a deep breath and walk away to hear him throwing a temper tantrum calling me a faggot. Cool.

The club is playing typical top 40s stuff with some Aviici and Daft Punk thrown in. When Jay Z’s “Empire State of Mind” comes on, all eyes were on me. My new crew and I are on the dance floor going nuts. Out of the corner of my eye I see the 3 American MBA girls from earlier. They’re getting closer. Birthday girl and blondie are dancing on the other side of them. Random girl in a green dress comes from behind, takes my bow tie off and starts making out with me. “Tallinn Old Town where dreams are made of.” Song finishes, green dress disappears. Blondie’s sitting at the table with birthday girl, who’s sufficiently drunk. They say they’re going to leave soon; tell them to wait as I run to find McFly. As I scout around the club I notice the sausage has increased and the girls don’t seem as receptive. I’m not about to wile out to Jay Z every second just to get approaches in. Make it back to the table to find McFly as we all bounce. It’s about 3am at this point and no one can walk straight. We stumble by my apartment where I invite everyone for drinks. Birthday girl insists on using the bathroom and that a taxi’s waiting, they have work in the morning. Joy. Take down everyone’s # and say we’re doing this again on Friday.

I run back to Hollywood and Bermuda Triangle to see what’s going down. Most people are leaving; some guys are yelling at each other, a heated argument outside Shooter’s. All the happy vibes seem gone. Finally I can go to sleep before 6am.



Day 6:
* Daytime - burnout, new friends, quaint neighborhoods
* Nighttime - Muust Puudel, Paar Veini, The Lab



I really don't care to daygame at this point. If I jog after a girl I might just say "excuse me" and collapse. I feel like a Tallinn regular, the twists and turns of the Old Town are second nature. I grab a coffee as I people watch on the Old Church steps. Tourists everywhere. Medieval costumes, stoic Russian servers, accordians, kitschy train trolleys.

A French girl stands in earshot and starts fiddling with her map. "Hey there you seem lost." Her eyes light up as we start studying her big map, which obscured me seeing her boyfriend arrive for a good 30 seconds. Good sport stood there the whole time smiling. "Ah, Mon Amie, we've been waiting for you to show up!" I said as I toasted my coffee.

I went to the west end and found this quaint little restaurant converted from a poet's house. I sat outside and had an Estonian cheese sampler with some elk stew on the side. 2 minutes into my strange meal, Mr. AMOG waltzes down the street. I insist he join me. We get to talking about the other night, about the past, the future of both our lives and our countries. Like many Estonians, he loves his country but he just can't see himself staying here right now. The money's far too much better out West. He's been used to it, and doesn't mind taking Ryanair with the stags to visit his family. He offers to take me on an insider's tour of Tallinn, away from the tourist clustered Old Town.

We walk through Northwest in an area called Kalamaja. Very old wooden houses mixed with a Brooklynish modern hipster charm. Lots of nice little coffee shops and craft bars here. Wish I discovered this place earlier. We spend the entire day taking in the sights, learning about the grittier Estonia and its complex history. I actually prefer this right now. It's almost dusk and we part ways. He mentions a massive warehouse party happening on Saturday that I should check out. I tell him I'll be in touch.

I decide to check out a bit of a classier Estonian vibe by getting dinner and cocktails at Must Puudel. Seems like a nice date and happy hour spot, but there was no one available for approaching when I was there. I asked the couple near me if they know of any other spots similar to this. They recommended Paar Veini if I like wine.

Two girls are having a smoke right outside, one of them super skinny in a black dress with high cheekbones and silky black hair, her friend a grungy hipster. Silky black feels up my jacket. “You know, some men don’t know how to dress. They think it’s OK to be brutish. You, you have some class. You should have some wine with us.” I’m slightly confused as her friend seems to be dressed quite brutish, but who am I to argue with such flattery.

I come to find out this woman’s half Estonian half Russian and works in fashion. I tell her how many Estonian youth I’ve met are moving west for better wages, to which she says “fuck that, the future is here. Our country has come a long way. I’m not throwing it away for the dollar or pound. If it were up to me, I'd throw the Euro out too.” This is the first time I got a boner from hearing a girl talk politics. Grungy friend seemed bored and wasn’t contributing anything. I suggested we try a new spot but black silk says she has to be up early for work. I escort them to the taxi, pull silky black aside and get a # with a peck on top. No flower dress but her hair smelled like a bouquet.

Make my way back to the wine bar to see it filled up quite a bit since I left. I grab a drink and sit next to a group in the corner. At this point I’m blacking out; all I can remember is a mixed group of 3 guys and 3 girls, dwindling to 2v2. Tall Indian dude was trying to mack on the blonde and redhead at the same time. Redhead was closer to me and we’d been having a nice chat. He seemed to be doing well with the blonde. He says we should switch seats and give everyone a chance. I look at him like I’m looking at a retarded goldfish. Redhead and I continue to talk as he butts into the conversation and announces he’s leaving. I’m wondering which guy’s worse, this one or the Finnish Priest.

Redhead and I make for the dance floor as she bumps into old friends. More joy. In retrospect I should black out more because it flipped the Conan switch. Sick of all the old friends and taxis and early morning shifts, I grabbed the redhead and started twirling her around. I’ve never taken a dance lesson in my life but she enjoyed it. I dipped her, brought her in, dipped her again. I didn’t care if it wasn’t technically correct. She tells me, “You’re absolutely crazy I love it.” I grab her and tell her we’re going. “Wait wait, I gotta say goodbye.” She says good bye as her old friends give me the death stare (to which I return the favor, death staring every cockblock this week), as we leave… with her blonde friend waiting outside. Redhead is getting tired and tells me I should go entertain blonde friend. I don’t want blonde friend, I want redhead. We put blonde friend in a taxi as I suggest a nightcap.

We start walking towards my apartment when she stops me, “No! I want to go home. It’s this way!” I tell her it’s only one drink. “Don’t be stupid, I need to be up early.” She starts walking in the direction of her place, still holding my hand. I stop her and turn her head towards mine. “Hey there slow down.” She looks at me, “Wha why?” As we make out on the outskirts of the Old Town. She pushes away again “Look, you’re a decent kisser but I’m not going to fuck you!” I chuckle. “No seriously I have to be up, I’m going home, and it’s this way 20 minutes. You should go home.” I tell her I’ve never seen this side of Tallinn before. We walk the way as I engage her mind with logical nonsense. Outside the steps, I pull the classic “can I use your bathroom” line only to be told “Find a bush.” She grabs me, french kiss and all as she reaches for my phone in my pocket. Try and escalate then and there but she slaps me away. “Take my #, call me tomorrow.” Astounding.

I lost prime daygaming opportunities and sleep by being out til 7am on a few different nights. I got the feeling it would happen again tomorrow. After a night of drinking and failing spectacularly, I ending back up at the Lab in the Bermuda. I saw this smoking hot thin Estonian brunette in a glittery miniskirt. It was as simple as walking up and saying hello; next thing you know we're getting shots and heading out. I turn my head for 1 second and suddenly she's in the middle of a 4 man circle; bouncing off every syllable of attention. I’m ready to unfriend Tallinn for this.

The big guy, let's call him Cyclops, insists we go back into the bar and take more shots. 2 guys behind Cyclops nudge us in. The girl grabs me and we go back in to my protests. At this point i'm trapped inbetween miniskirt, Cyclops and 2 guys who looked like they wanted an orgy. Since i had a blazer on, they called me faggot and tried tooling me. when i stood my ground, their demeanor changed and they started affectionately calling me Freddie Mercury... we end up bouncing to some afterhours open at 6am through the backdoor... rail through some vodka, getting ready to leave when Cyclops tells me to distract dumb and dumber while we take the girl (wtf?). dumb and dumber start circling us outside like hyenas, talking about how we should take a military plane to USA and party Queen style.

I had mentioned to the girl I had some drinks at my place, Cyclops found out, dumb and dumber sensed it, and i'm trying to maneuver past this clusterfuck. We're walking through Old Town piss drunk at 7am while Dumb and Dumber are karaoking Bohemian Rhapsody. I look at miniskirt and just shake my head. She tells me she has to be nice to everyone. Suddenly we make it a block outside my flat... Cyclops tells me and miniskirt to get lost. Immediately I walk her away to isolate from this frat party. We make it back to my block as the troupe from hell is blocking the entrance to my flat. I walk a few blocks down with miniskirt when Cyclops catches up and says "OK i did it, they're gone. They will take a bus back." Miniskirt flips out "WHAT DO YOU MEAN! Those guys are my new friends! I need to make sure they're OK!" She runs hysterically after dumb and dumber. Cyclops stops her and tells her to hold on a minute. He beckons to me "OK those 2 dumbfucks are gone, now we go drink at your place." I look at him, "The 3 of us then?" He goes "yes, i know what youre thinking. dont worry. I'll make a move first. If she punches me in the balls, then she's yours." Back a block from my apartment I see miniskirt return and sniffle, "they're gone..." to which Cyclops laughs.”This isn't fun anymore, I'm going home!" as miniskirt sadly walks to the bus stop, dumb and dumber emerge and take turns grabbing her. Cyclops in a fit of fury throws them off her and walks with her, arm over shoulder. Dumb and dumber circle him, ad infinitum. I wouldn't be surprised if they're still trying to get her miniskirt off to this day. The sun's out, hotter than ever. 4 hours sleep will be enough... right?



Day 7:
* Daytime - Target Practice, the Street
* Nighttime - Sinilind, Levist, Hell Hunt, Southern Suburbs



It's Friday, I don't care. I'm sleeping in. I wake up at 2, and feel like practicing more archery. as I'm walking on the outskirts of the Old Town, I see this jaw dropping tall blonde in short, short short-shorts, long blonde hair, 6" heels and sunglasses. We're crossing to opposite sides of the street as I try and make eye contact through her sunglasses. She drops her head down and walks with the cutest submissive frame. I have 2 seconds before the light turns. I dash back across the street, "excuse me, I know this will sound strange, but I just saw you and have to tell you, you have a very hypnotizing walk. I've never seen high heels move so fast in the daytime." She blushes, giggles, and apologizes that she seemed ungraceful but she's late for a meeting with her friend. I tell her, "yes but you've got 2 minutes right?" She takes her sunglasses off, "for what?" I tell her, more directly, "I think you're attractive, I want to get to know you." Find out she's Russian, attending business school, doesn't speaking Estonian well, sticks to her Russian community and loves going to London (probably approached by Krauser at some point). I try and get her to break her plans and have an ice cream but have to settle for a #. Leaving in 2 days, I'm kicking myself for not having time to follow through properly.

I make it to the archery range and spend the rest of my day shooting and talking to the Russian girls. I ask about their plans and they say they're going out in a group for dinner with their boyfriends. When I said my goodbyes they thanked me for the "beautiful emotions" I made them feel. Flatterers, the lot of 'em.

After showering and getting ready for the night, I had a light dinner at Muust Puudel and grabbed a drink at Siniiland. I had been texting with the birthday girl's blonde friend the past few days I'm supposed to meet up with her and and her friend. They're late and the bar's still quiet. I ask the girls next to me if this place is any good, because it seems dead on a Friday evening. They have no idea, they're backpacking from Germany. We get to chatting about all the places they've been on this trip, making me jealous that they live near so many cool countries. Blonde girl calls me and says they're outside. I go outside and see the two girls giggling in the middle of a group of guys. I go over and say hello when 4 British guys turn around and start gabbering. Off the plane 2 hours ago, lost their keys, met these pretty Estonian girls and are trying to party. I give her a quick stern look as she gives me the "i don't know they seem nice" look and tell her I'll be inside.

I finish up my drink and invite the German girls out with us. Now the ratio is only slightly unfavorable. As we're walking to the next spot, 2 of the British guys start talking to me. They seem cool enough, we're all around the same age, they're just taking their friend on a proper stag. As soon as they mentioned stag, the one guy grabs me while the other starts going for my tie. "Ahh lookie here, that's a proper DICKIE ain't it!" I calmly push them both off me as the one cries, "wellll aren't you the emotional one!" I walk back towards blondie as they start picking at the German girls.

We make it to Hell Hunt and it's mobbed. No outdoor seating, no indoor tables, absolute madness. Try getting a drink for 2 minutes then look Blondie in the eye. "get your friend, I know a cooler spot." She says ok and goes to get the British guys as I grab her, "no no no YOUR friend, we're leaving these guys here. This is their spot. We're going somewhere else." She gives me this pouty look and I tell her, "Listen, I'm here to hang out with you, your friend is nice and I know McFly is coming later, but these guys are going to get obliterated drunk." She nods her head quietly as we sneak out.

Redhead friend comes back and we bounce. A few meters from Levist and I hear that nasally British accent again. "Oiiii mate where are you runnin off to!" We go inside and he and his friend follow us. We grab a drink and he tries and wedge inbetween blondie and I. I look him in the eye and tell him "listen bud I'm sorry that you locked yourself out within 2 hours of getting here. Your friends are back at Hell Hunt, there are girls in the smoking area upstairs. Leave us alone, we're busy" as I grab blondie and go to another corner. I make sure redhead gets into the mix on the next couch and the Brits fucked off.

I tell them we should hit up some clubs tonight when their hipster friends show up from upstairs. Why does everyone know everyone! Luckily they take redhead and start doing shots. Blondie and I are making some traction as redhead throws a fit and demands to leave. She wants to see McFly now or she's going to freak out. Hipster friends freak out and say she should go home, she's too drunk. They call a taxi and put her in, Blondie looks at me, "Come with me." Hmmm it's almost midnight and I have no idea what's going to happen.

We end up at their flat way out of the center. Redhead's a drunk hot mess while Blondie's balancing tending her friend and striking rapport with me. Suddenly her phone starts going nuts. Text messages, phone calls. She picks it up, it's Staggo from earlier. "Why'd you give him your #?" "He seemed nice!" -10 points I'm thinking in my head. McFly barges into the scene, redhead cries with joy. Suddenly everyone wants to party. McFly is bandaging his hand. "Ah don't worry about me, had to knock a Rooskie out, damn fucker wouldn't let me go.”

We're walking back to the center, redhead all over McFly, and Blondie arm in arm with me. Right outside of the Old Town, blondie gives me a weird glance and asks, "by the way, how old do you think I am?" I'm thinking with her job, her flat and her wrinkle free skin, 21 tops. She smiles and says she gets that a lot, that she's very mature for her age. I ask her what she means. "I'm actually 16...." Tallinn strikes again.

I ignore her for the rest of the way to the bar. I pull McFly aside where he explains the age of consent is 15 so who cares? I grab another drink and talk to some hipsters upstairs, nothing. Blondie's on the steps with McFly, redhead and a bunch of hipsters. I make for the apartment, tired more than anything. I see 2 girls in a white dress, curly black hair, olive skin. I limp up in front of them both and start talking about who knows what. I guessed they looked Italian and they said they're from Lyons. As soon as they mentioned this, a tall, Italian guy in a half buttoned shirt and pointy pointy shoes came with a Jokeresque smile, "ahhh you guys are from France? How marvelous" and tries speaking French to them. They run towards the cab as he says "very well" and continues to creep on the street. Over it.



Day 8:
* Dazed
* Confused



Blue flower dress told me about this flea market happening way out in the northwest. Mr. Amog texts me about a warehouse party in the northwest. All the hot clubs are open in Old Town tonight.

I'm making my way to the market but get turned around and walk down the wrong side. I see this short blonde girl in a blue blouse and black jacket walking with her travel bag. She's gorgeous and is the only person I'd seen in an hour of walking. We get to talking, another Russian, finance girl, going back to Moscow, cannot be late. I just wanted to fall asleep on the grass at this point.

I'd been texting blue flower dress but she went cold the night before. I make it to the market late, around 5, and find her friend there, but alas blue flower dress called out sick. I'm walking around watching everyone pack up their wares when I see short tank top from last week. She looks at me with glazed over eyes, "I just can't seem to get rid of you can I" as I look through her hipster products. I borrow a guitar from her neighbor and start fiddling around as we're talking. She's been up since 7am and has to pack everything up in her dad's van. They're going out to the countryside but to text her tomorrow. Sure, let's kick the can into Moscow why don't we...

I wander back to Old Town at dusk, realizing I'd spent most of my afternoon turned around in the Tallinn suburbs. I see this blonde girl in a flower...shirt and blouse fiddling with her map. I remembered a cool Russian restaurant I went to a few days before but forgot the name of. "Excuse me..." as I described its features and decor.

She had no idea what I was talking about but was gazing at me to continue. I talk about how I've had a long day being lost and just need a place for some borscht." I wish we were at my apartment in St Petersburg because I'd make you some right now." For some reason, hearing her say that made my heart melt. I inquired into her plans, she was meeting up with friends that night. What about tomorrow? My last day.... She said that would be lovely. We exchanged emails and I told her very slowly to meet me at this Old Church at 7pm. She smiled back, "Yes and you better be here on time!" As we embraced and off she went.

I went to some of the hotspot clubs that Saturday - Club Prive, Va Bank, Venus. Venus is a typical guido/Jersey Shoreish crowd. One big dance floor with nowhere to isolate and terrible music. Lasted 10 minutes there before I went to Club Prive and Va Bank which had potential in the layouts (especially Va Bank's elaborate downstairs) but could not hook anything. The music was deafening everywhere and groups were massive. Very little one and two sets to break into. Honestly after the entire week I had no desire to be at a club. I left and regrouped at Levist for a nightcap, taking breaks to check the bars around. Nothing crazy. Talked to a hipster girl with her gay bffl. Was going well for a hot minute until Street Fighter from last week came in. "Oh hey buddy, where'd you run off to the other night?" .. "Ooh you were talking to those Russian cunts and I fucked off. Why are you hanging out with a FAGGOT right now?" Hipster girl facepalms as gay bffl takes it in stride. We go downstairs as I'm trying to maintain a conversation with hipster girl and Street Fighter. He gets drunker by the second and, like a Tourette's case, starts screaming... "FAGGOT!"

I'm starving - hipster girl recommends a spot as I suggest a very late night cap. Bffl joins in as I'm trying to think of how to get him away. Nothing doing, the battle's lost. We have a pleasant conversation and they call a taxi. Kinda wish I had closed the bar with Street Fighter; he might have been my Russian good luck charm.

[unbowed]

Day 9:
* Russian Intermission
* End Game



I sleep in until 3. I pack everything up. I go to the cafe.... fucking short tank top girl is back. "You need to go; I have work to do!" as she playfully pushes me. I hang around and talk her ear off. I tell her it's my last night and we still haven't hung out. She says she'd love to... but has a birthday tonight. Oh sod off, Britified girl. She tells me to look her up next time I'm in town (and next time and next time...) Though after my week's worth of cockblock madness, I wouldn't be surprised if we hooked up on the 13th casual bump in in late autumn...

Meet up with Russian girl. Walk in the park. Get some tea. Sit at the benches. Cuddle a little bit. Invite her back to my place where we trade Russian music. Try to escalate, nothing. Look her in the eye, she breaks eye contact and giggles. "I have to go, I promised my friend I'd meet him for a movie." I ask her "Who's this friend of yours?" She replies "Just the guy I'm staying with; he told me to bring the ice cream." I prod, "Ah he's your?" She pushes back, "NO we're just friends. He's Estonian and let me stay in his guest room while I visited. I just want to return the favor." I tell her a few more videos and we'll go. I go to make her a drink and she says, "No, please I don't want you to waste any. I've already made up my mind for tonight." She smiled the whole time she said this in a sweet voice. Play me a fool, I believed her.

We get ice cream, say farewell. Tells me to look her up when I come to St Petersburg. I get a text from petite rocker girl, we're meeting at a bar for some whisky. As we're bouncing back to my apartment, Mr. Amog texts and calls furiously. I ask him what's up, he says he thought we were going to hang out, he's got stories to tell. I tell him to give me a few hours. After 30 minutes of music, petite girl grabs me, "are we ready?"... I'm falling asleep after blasting for the third time as she's telling me she wants more while Mr. Amog is making sure all my minutes are used up before I leave. I tell her to hold on one second and take the call in the next room.
"Hey, what's up bud?"
"Yo mate you busy? Sounds like you have someone over."
"Yeah man, kinda busy now but hang out, I think she's leaving soon."
"C'mon man, I got some Russian girls with me, they're trying to drink. I can't hold them forever."
"I'll let you know; don't go nowhere."

I go back to the bedroom as she looks at me disappointed, "I can go if you want." I look at her, trying to hold back the extreme fatigue "you know what I want right now?" One last trip around the bed, this one's for every cockblock this week. I make sure to give it to her hard in every position I can muster. After another 5 minutes, I lost my energy. Drunk, sleep deprived and running on fumes from the past hour. She gets on top and lifts my head up off the pillow. I'm on autopilot and she's ravishing me. She had the perfect combination of a tight pussy, bubbly butt and gripping hips. I blast inside her as she revs down her gyrations. She holds in a swan position as I latch onto her hips as long as I can. I pass out on the bed for 20 minutes.... She wants more. My mind thinks "yes!", my body thinks "chill out."

I'm spent. I tell her for a little girl she has a lot of energy. She smiles silently.We sleep another half hour, then get dressed and walk out together. Her cab comes; I slip her some fare and she shoves it back, "I have money." Kiss. Farewell.

I walk to the bar a few blocks down to find Mr. Amog talking to Tallinn's newest arrivals at the only bar open around. "Ah sorry mate, the Russians went to sleep; I tried calling you. Everything else is closed." The fresh fish are excited about Tallinn's talent. I feel like a ghost; I'm having a pint but can't contribute to anything. I wish the next generation good bye as I pack and leave for the ferry.

I lock my things in the ferry and jump up into the roof deck as I watch the Old Town slowly disappear as the sun shines through the clouds. Thank you for the "beautiful emotions", Tallinn. I'll be in touch.






Notes and Reflections:


On game:

while a typical Estonian girl is very nice and outgoing, you have to polarize her. Get her to make a decision; don't just let her soak in your attention. When a girl came out with me, I felt it didn't mean anything. When I hung out with a girl all night, I felt it didn't mean anything. Even when a girl made out with me, I felt like it didn't mean anything. The only time it felt like it meant something was through randomly seeing her again. But I don't have time for chance or month long happenings.

The social circle is unavoidable. In a country this small (and shrinking) it would be ideal to stay here longer. ONS is not impossible but expect to deal with groups and cockblocks. Be social, friendly, "confident nice guy" as Roosh puts it. "Lone wolfing" might not get you far.

And even if you think you're isolated... the cockblocks linger. Once on the street I was chatting to a lone girl over a cigarette for a good 15 minutes when her friends had apparently been there on the corner the whole time. They came and asked her, "well are you done?" And took her away to a cab like it's nothing.

Getting a # is easy, getting a girl to reply back to you easy. Getting a girl to meet up and want to go home with you, not as easy. Estonian girls are gentle flakes.


On Personality:

Estonian girls are not unattractive by any means, but there's a hipster element running through that begins to wear thin after a while. The nicer she dresses, the more likely she's older with a career... or Russian.

The Russian girls had a distinct style: sexy. If you saw a girl and got a boner based on the totality of her look, walk and stoic demeanor, chances are that girl's Russian. Many but not all speak English. They don't mind the Estonians but tend to stick to their communities. There's tourists, natives and transplants. I wish I had sought them out more.

Estonians are very open, and it took 3 days before I became engulfed in 3 different social circles. mind you this country is 1.3 million, with about 300k being Russian, so we're talking maybe 1 million in the entire country. By the third day out I started seeing the same local faces. And while my bang came from a social circle ingratiation, I definitely felt I spent too much time in social circles. But it's hard to see it another way. They're friendly and open because it really is a 'small town' feel. It'd be interesting to see how incorporated I would be should I stay a month.

Estonians love the west, to the point where they all want to escape Estonia. Many live in Western Europe and visit friends and family in the summer.

Based on my impression, the Estonians have more of a 'hipster' mentality and look compared to the Russians. They're progressive, worldly, modern people. They're not complicated personality and emotionally-wise and are very easy going (except when Russians are involved). A few guys I met told me "the only Russian phrase you need in life is 'Я не говорю по-русски.' to which I thought to myself "Я говорю немного по-русски."

In a way, Tallinn felt like college 2.0. the conversations flow very easily from history to music to food and weather. Extremely educated and world aware people.


Missed Opportunities/Future Projections:

I was there in the summer with a lot of tourists. I can only imagine how different it might be with a chillier wind blowing (nevermind the college kids being back.) I get the feeling if you're brave enough to storm the rough weather, you won't have to deal with such idiotic cockblocks. Some friends maybe, but drunken pastors...

For a mini '2nd tier' experience, take a walk on the outskirts, lot of little developments with coffee shops and such. Keep an eye out for warehouse parties; I missed one on my last night as I was club hopping in the Old Town but I'm told the potential is excellent. Think elegant hipster girls.

Surprisingly a very clean, modern, tech savvy city. There are still some "Soviet" parts but the new developments are quite impressive.

Many different shops, bars and clubs are clustered in a 5-15 minute walk so there's little need to leave the immediate Old Town area. However, don't skip on the outlying neighborhoods as they have more of a '2nd tier' experience. You won't see stags wandering into the east, south or northwest. Let them stay lost in their Bermuda Triangle. I hear the Central Railway can be dangerous at night, but that didn't stop the Russian girls and me from walking through.

A few new perspectives I want to explore in Tallinn. Come outside the tourist season, stay at least a month to follow through on leads, don't waste time in drawn out interactions or entertaining the friend (which may mean don't talk to anyone).

The hardest part is making sure you have enough time to follow through and getting her isolated. The #s I got in that week either turned cold or responded with something along the lines of "in xyz country for the next few days. Text me when get I back!" I also met some girls who were moving out of the country and didn't feel like having any romance; they were strictly following the money. While wages were depressed relative to living standards, most people I met had some sort of job that they took seriously.

I don't want to say Tallinn is played out because I've only been once, but it definitely seems like loads of newcomers land in every week and the stags party out of the ryanair terminal on the weekends. By the end i was kind of glad to get out because from the neverending talent to the late closing bars, i was averaging about 3-5 hours sleep for a week.

If and when I return to Tallinn, I will stay off the beaten path, exploring the hipster enclaves and trendy business districts. Far out from the city center I saw dozens of fit, yoga panted up Estonian women roller blading down the boardwalk. My problem was when I got out of the Old Town, it was due to my newly founded social circle, which gave me a scope of the 'real' Tallinn while tying me down to the group with little time left to follow through on my own.

Next time will be slow and deliberate. I'm considering it outside of the summer months but it seems a tough window to navigate when the weather drops by mid September and the population slowly but surely brain draining out.

[rudebwoy]

Finally a awesome trip report and not another where should I go guys this summer report!!

+1

[Brian Boru]

Well, you've definitely added Estonia to my to-do list

[Friar]

Damn, unbowed. Very detailed trip report, enjoyed reading it.

Best line of the write up: "death staring every cockblock this week"

[pupdawg82]

Excellent report. I went to Tallinn in June for 3 days and had good time. Old town itself is so beautiful.

[Hoen]

That really sounded like a trip from hell, ive been there many times but like 10 years ago..seems like its changed for the worse,(confirmed by other people i trust) Although i hear you on the basics..ive been more frustrated there than other places.
But your report was ace,good job.

[evilhei]

Wow what a story. You are a good writer. Ive been so busy with work and travelling lately that I havent really been out in Tallinn this summer. Thanks for reminding al the good spots. Btw you didnt mention how old are you? I would guess something around 24-25?

[betaplusplus]

Love it! I'm planning on a trip to Helsinki and Tallinn this spring/summer. When exactly was your trip? May? June? July? Aug? My schedule is flexible so I can go any time I want and I'd like to stack my deck up for the best experience.

[tobehero]

A joy to read and very informative!

[RatInTheWoods]

Fantastic write up, thanks so much for sharing this. You write beautifully.

My favorite line "I am unfriending Tallinn for this"