[runninutebball]

I searched for a similar thread but didn't find one, also not sure if this is the correct category but here goes. I married a Filipina a few years ago and we had a baby soon after. During the pregnancy sex became rare. After birth we didn't have sex for almost one year and it has been rare since. I work as an expat overseas. Family couldn't join last contract and has been delayed by visa issues this contract. My wife has threatened to leave at least five times in the last six months (and multiple times before that). I'm at the point where I don't care what she does if it weren't for our son.

My son is a great kid, friendly, smart. Looks a lot likeme and we've bbonded. I know he has missed me while I've been gone. My wife is a good homemaker and a great, slightly smothering, mother. Given my job which I don't want to give up, if I pull the trigger on separation I will see my son once a year for the next Couple of years and maybe summers after that. I've also cheated twice in the past year and I think my wife knows about one of them because she may have been looking into my email. She hasn't confronted me about it and if she did I'd pull the trigger on the separation because I'm tired of the drama.

So, married/divorced guys of the forum with kids, what would you do in this situation or what did you do in your situation? I know it seems "beta" to seek perspective on something so serious from this forum but I need a different look. My father, brothers and friends are all Mormon ( I was too until recently) and I have already heard the party line from them. I found this forum during my last overseas tour and it's helped me out a lot so I would like to hear a male, perspective outside of my religious upbringing.

Hit me with your best shot!

[MY DETROIT PLAYAS]

Greetings bro

Your situation sounds familiar on a few levels. I am a divorced guy, with a son who endured a long marriage but lived to tell about it on the other side with my sanity in tact. I also retained a semblance of normalcy in my relationship with my son.

Being away from that situation has given me some perspective.

Sounds like the pressures of keeping your son in your life coupled with familial religious beliefs have you feeling boxed in. My son was born with a disability and I did not/do not trust his mom to do the right thing by him full-time. I was not willing to see my son less and risk losing that vital son-father connection. Nor could I picture another man raising my son while I was still alive and breathing.

First suggestion would be to sit your wife down and have a open, clear talk about your future together or apart. The LAST thing you want is to have resentment build up to the point of no return. I've been there unfortunately, not a pretty picture. I quickly reached the point of not caring enough to try to "reform" her, so my main focus was the well-being of our son. My ex also voiced her unhappiness and sought counseling to which I agreed. However, counseling made me aware of the gaping holes in our situation and I opted to call it a day. I have to ask: Have you thought of or sought out counseling? This may be a situation of growing apart, which is common given your absences. Especially since you have expressed a desire to keep your career in tact.

Do you still want your family in tact? Or can you deal with being apart from your son for even longer stretches?

What's more important to you at this point in your life? (as we get older, obviously our priorities change)

Is there a "happy medium" to be reached?

All questions I had to answer, no one size fits all for everyone, but after a thorough self-exam you WILL make the right choice for yourself and it will work out in the end.

Good luck my compadre

[WD-40]

In my experience, women who shoot their mouths off about separation and divorce usually haven't really taken the long term view. The first couple of years after the divorce, a woman might well be happier for it, but 10-15 years down the line, unless she has managed to stably remarry (which is not a given) or her ex-husband was genuinely abusive, chances are she will regret the decision.

While marriage can certainly have some benefits to young men, by design, most of the long-term benefits of the institution of marriage redound to women. By throwing in the towel now, she is sacrificing those long-term benefits for a course of action she believes to be conducive to her short-term happiness.

The Wall is very real. Does your wife really understand what unmarried life would be like for her after she has hit the Wall? I suspect not.

This leads to the question, is she really qualified for marriage?

A man is not qualified for marriage unless he has mastered his libidinous urges to the extent that he regards sex as he would regard a high quality Nicaraguan cigar or a nice single malt. As a pleasure to be sought out and savored, but not as in any way essential to his happiness.

And a woman is not qualified for marriage unless her time horizon extends at least 20-30 years into the future. If she is unable to comprehend the long term ramifications of her current attitudes and decisions, she will not be able to understand the actual long term benefits of staying married that by design would accrue to her, and will not be able to act with those benefits in mind.

[RockHard]

(02-24-2014 09:10 AM)runninutebball Wrote:  

I married a Filipina a few years ago and we had a baby soon after. During the pregnancy sex became rare. After birth we didn't have sex for almost one year and it has been rare since. I work as an expat overseas. Family couldn't join last contract and has been delayed by visa issues this contract. My wife has threatened to leave at least five times in the last six months (and multiple times before that). I'm at the point where I don't care what she does if it weren't for our son.

Children massively complicate a relationship.

Quote:

My son is a great kid, friendly, smart. Looks a lot like me and we've bonded.

This is moot. He's your son. He's your flesh & blood.

Quote:

I know he has missed me while I've been gone. My wife is a good homemaker and a great, slightly smothering, mother. Given my job which I don't want to give up, if I pull the trigger on separation I will see my son once a year for the next Couple of years and maybe summers after that. I've also cheated twice in the past year and I think my wife knows about one of them because she may have been looking into my email.

For god's sake, get a fucking burner email & phone if you're going to play that game. Habitually use private browsing. Do not leave a fucking trail of evidence for her attorney. Make the fucker earn his $250/hour.

Quote:

She hasn't confronted me about it and if she did I'd pull the trigger on the separation because I'm tired of the drama.

Been there bro, I feel you.

Quote:

So, married/divorced guys of the forum with kids, what would you do in this situation or what did you do in your situation? I know it seems "beta" to seek perspective on something so serious from this forum but I need a different look.

I am not going to pull a guilt trip on you, but as many have observed in this forum, kids growing up without fathers is probably the #1 issue with society these days. Any dude who's going to bitch about lack of fathering and turn around and call a guy beta for trying to do right by his offspring needs to put the fucking keyboard down.

I'm going with the assumption that she's in the USA, and anything that happens will go down in a US court, and also that she's surrounded by western women. You don't say how old she is, so I'm going to assume late 20's, and I'm assuming your kid is in preschool. If that's true, she is primed to cheat and/or leave. Women in their early 30's where the youngest kid is in school, this is exactly when it happens. She hasn't quite hit the wall, and she's not so focused on her kid(s) anymore, suddenly she's got some freedom and is searching for a purpose in life again. On top of that, women seem to have a hormonal burst in their mid-30s, probably due to their ovaries melting down ahead of menopause. Just my observation over the years.

OK, so here's what I see: you guys are going through a physical separation and lack of intimacy which started after the kid was born and exacerbated by you being away. You need to get your sex life back. One thing I know for sure is that marriage is a whole lot better when you're fucking her on the reg. Infidelity = Desire + Opportunity. Take away the desire side of the equation. Women throw around a lot of shit about feelings and communication, but getting nailed hard tends to shut that shit up.

The question is, if you could fix the bitching, would you want to be married to her? You can fix the bitching. Rollo Tomassi and Athol Kay are the experts in this, you should check out their writing. I'm much more partial to Rollo, but I'd suggest looking at both. HOWEVER, this is going to be hard to do long distance, so you're going to need to figure out how to close that distance. If you want to save this, you can start by sitting down with her and saying that you want things to be better, you want things to work, but things are going to have to change.

[RockHard]

(02-24-2014 12:05 PM)WD-40 Wrote:  

A man is not qualified for marriage unless he has mastered his libidinous urges to the extent that he regards sex as he would regard a high quality Nicaraguan cigar or a nice single malt. As a pleasure to be sought out and savored, but not as in any way essential to his happiness.

That's a damned good rule of thumb, WD.

[WD-40]

(02-24-2014 12:42 PM)RockHard Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 09:10 AM)runninutebball Wrote:  

I married a Filipina a few years ago and we had a baby soon after. During the pregnancy sex became rare. After birth we didn't have sex for almost one year and it has been rare since. I work as an expat overseas. Family couldn't join last contract and has been delayed by visa issues this contract. My wife has threatened to leave at least five times in the last six months (and multiple times before that). I'm at the point where I don't care what she does if it weren't for our son.

Children massively complicate a relationship.

Not when both adults are completely crystal clear and on the same page on what a marriage with children is really about. Then it actually all becomes a whole lot simpler.

I have already argued that it is very unwise to marry for sex, or for that matter, for validation in general. So more than anything else, it is really about the children- about providing them resources, a secure environment and parental love and guidance.

The complications only arise when either or both spouses, out of emotional immaturity, put other, conflicting needs in the center and start a tug-of-war over them.

[Tytalus]

Hey runninutebball,

A good forum for marriage from a red pill game perspective is marriedmansexlife.com - there's a blog & forum. I highly recommend both.

[worldwidetraveler]

(02-24-2014 12:43 PM)RockHard Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 12:05 PM)WD-40 Wrote:  

A man is not qualified for marriage unless he has mastered his libidinous urges to the extent that he regards sex as he would regard a high quality Nicaraguan cigar or a nice single malt. As a pleasure to be sought out and savored, but not as in any way essential to his happiness.

That's a damned good rule of thumb, WD.

I disagree, it has nothing to do with reality.

Sex is part of happiness. We need sex to be happy. A sexless marriage is not what I would consider happiness and judging by the OP's questions, he doesn't either.

We are born with strong biological tendencies to reproduce. Being true to ourselves is what promotes happiness. I don't care how much of a player you were before marriage, if the wife isn't giving you any sex for a year, you won't be happy and definitely won't be thinking of cigars and single malts.

To the OP, you can either continue cheating on the side or divorce. Never let anyone dictate your happiness or what needs are satisfied in order to make you happy. You need to take charge of your own happiness. If you're worried about the religious fallout with family and friends get her to file if you go the divorce route. It sounds like unless you two go to counseling and open up more dialog, divorce is inevitable.

[Menace]

The main issue is the physical separation...out of sight, out of mind, out of heart...I feel for you man, been there, done that (but very different situation). You can't do shit unless you are physically there with your wife/kid; you can't convince her of anything on Skype.

As we can see, no nationality is a panacea. You're going to have to evaluate your job situation...is it the money? Think hard about it.

[WD-40]

(02-24-2014 08:06 PM)worldwidetraveler Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 12:43 PM)RockHard Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 12:05 PM)WD-40 Wrote:  

A man is not qualified for marriage unless he has mastered his libidinous urges to the extent that he regards sex as he would regard a high quality Nicaraguan cigar or a nice single malt. As a pleasure to be sought out and savored, but not as in any way essential to his happiness.

That's a damned good rule of thumb, WD.

I disagree, it has nothing to do with reality.

Sex is part of happiness. We need sex to be happy. A sexless marriage is not what I would consider happiness and judging by the OP's questions, he doesn't either.

If you maintain that sexlessness in a marriage is a cause of unhappiness (as opposed to being a symptom of some other underlying cause), you are probably better off not getting married.

As for "We need sex to be happy" ... who is "we"?

Personally, I do not consider validation sex to be an essential ingredient of happiness. It is neither a necessary nor a sufficient condition.

Suppose, tomorrow morning, I were to drive past a chemical plant when all of a sudden, there is a big explosion and a purple cloud of gas engulfs my car. I wake up in the hospital and the friendly doctor explains to me that I have been injured by a freak accident involving a feminist research chemical.

Unfortunately, extensive medical tests have determined my brief exposure to the purple gas has inflicted some very subtle and irreversible organic damage to the glands of my skin. Such that instead of normal male pheromones, my sweat glands now emit slightly altered chemicals that immediately neutralize female desire.

Naturally, this alteration does not imply that I cannot have sex, nor would it imply that a female cannot or would not have sex with me. After my accident, a woman might still sexually engage with me for purely transactional reasons, or even out of a genuine sense of appreciation, love, kindness, duty or respect. But as soon as she is within olfactory range of my skin, she will be rendered chemically incapable of feeling even the slightest hint of erotic desire for me.

In other words, the doctor is explaining to me that I will never again be able to experience validation sex - or rather, that very specific sort of ego validation that results from enabling a female to consummate her erotic desire for me.

To put the question again... is this a problem? If so, why?

[worldwidetraveler]

(02-24-2014 08:49 PM)WD-40 Wrote:  

In other words, the doctor is explaining to me that I will never again be able to experience validation sex - or rather, that very specific sort of ego validation that results from enabling a female to consummate her erotic desire for me.

To put the question again... is this a problem? If so, why?

Nice straw man with the validation sex. I don't need validation food or validation oxygen either. Go a year or two without sex and let us know how happy you are.

[WD-40]

(02-24-2014 08:55 PM)worldwidetraveler Wrote:  

Nice straw man with the validation sex. I don't need validation food or validation oxygen either.

It's a thought experiment, not a straw man.

It is a thought experiment precisely because it is never actually the case. There will always be some women somewhere who erotically desire you and vice versa. You just have to find them.

[Comte De St. Germain]

Some advice from a guy who grew up with a dad always traveling. What you are doing to your kid is worse than being completely out of his life. My father was always traveling for work and never present in my life. I always created this fantasy father that was perfect for my opinion of him, but that was false. The second he finally made time to be a part of our family we were too detached. He wanted to be a part of my life in ways that were already filled by something else, and even strained my relationship with him. That resentment grew to complete hatred and I hate my father even still for realizing what kind of person I am and him still trying to be involved but failing. You need to become more directly involved in your kid's life ASAP if he's young. You're literally doing worse than abandoning him.

[WD-40]

(02-24-2014 08:55 PM)worldwidetraveler Wrote:  

Go a year or two without sex and let us know how happy you are.

I am pretty happy. What was your point again?

Back to the topic.... if your marriage is on the rocks, that is a really good time to sit down and figure out where your priorities in life actually are. Not where you think they are or where you say they are but where they actually are.

Expat assignments where you are away from your family can be a stretch on everybody, especially when your kids are still small. It is a sacrifice and if you cannot get your family to very clearly understand why you are doing it and why it will be worth it, something is not sorted right.

[worldwidetraveler]

(02-24-2014 09:45 PM)WD-40 Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 08:55 PM)worldwidetraveler Wrote:  

Go a year or two without sex and let us know how happy you are.

I am pretty happy. What was your point again?

Stop trolling man. It looks like you're on the wrong forum.

[WD-40]

(02-24-2014 10:07 PM)worldwidetraveler Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 09:45 PM)WD-40 Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 08:55 PM)worldwidetraveler Wrote:  

Go a year or two without sex and let us know how happy you are.

I am pretty happy. What was your point again?

Stop trolling man. It looks like you're on the wrong forum.

Somebody disagreed with you. Get over it.

[WD-40]

@runninutebball Have you looked at flying your kid in to where you are at, for visits?

This is what I do. Was actually pretty easy in the end, and really helps to maintain the bond.

[runninutebball]

The money is good and I get to overseas and change places every few years. I really couldn't replicate my job. I could make decent money back in the states but lescs travel possible. Hard part is that if things don't work out, my wife will most likely want to live in the Philippines near her family. It would be much more difficult to make what I make there. Plus I really have no desire to live there.

I could see quitting my job for my son in order to live back in the US however. Your perspective on absence and distance mirrors my experience so far.

[runninutebball]

@wd-40 my son is just a toddler so it would be a while before I can fly him out to me to spend the summer out anything like that

[runninutebball]

There is a lot of good perspectives on here. I really appreciate the advice and thoughts. Even the weird purple cloud thought experiment

I'm not sure this is salvageable. I just wish it was. We did a six month trial before I left on my most recent assignment. It started well and ended badly. We're not really talking or sharing like a couple anymoe but communication about my son is good. I think if it wasn't for him we both would have bailed by now. I mentally checked out last year and I can't seem to check back in.

Regarding divorce, I'd have to file in the US. Divorce is not legal in the Philippines. The only way local authorities will recognize a Filipina divorce is if the foreigner is the plaintiff and it's done outside the Philippines.

For those preaching the sublime joys of the foreign woman, there are benefits but there are also drawbacks. Big ones. My wife shuts down when she gets offended or hurt. She will ignore me for hours. This is called tampo and it's normal for a Filipina. So anyone thinking filipinas are magic should cine back to reality. Also, they don't love being with older men and the idea that there isn't an age stigma in the PI is false. Amongst themselves it is rare to see large age gaps. They tolerate the age gaps for money and passports. The party stops real quick once they realize you won't be providing one or the other. I saw this over and over with Americans there. I thought I was smarter because I married a woman my own age.

Anyway, thanks for all the responses. I will be seeking some counseling before final decisions are made.

[WD-40]

(02-25-2014 01:29 PM)runninutebball Wrote:  

For those preaching the sublime joys of the foreign woman, there are benefits but there are also drawbacks. Big ones. My wife shuts down when she gets offended or hurt. She will ignore me for hours. This is called tampo and it's normal for a Filipina. So anyone thinking filipinas are magic should cine back to reality.

All women do that, not just Filipinas.

You got a pretty good deal if it only runs in the hours and all she does is ignore you.

[Onto]

(02-24-2014 12:42 PM)RockHard Wrote:  

I am not going to pull a guilt trip on you, but as many have observed in this forum, kids growing up without fathers is probably the #1 issue with society these days.

I disagree, that is feminsit propaganda right there. By the way I don't fault you for buying into it, because the feminist media has perpetuated this lie very well for decades.

The #1 issue is kids growing up with feminist mothers. Having a demonic, feminist mother did far more damage to me than not having my Father around.

If one thinks about it logically, how can someone that's not actually there do any harm? It's the one who IS there that makes or break the raising of a child.

[Comte De St. Germain]

I'm sorry but I'll have to politely disagree with that. Without a male authority figure in my life I grew up to be a pussy shit and only toughened up due to my surroundings and the fatherly hand of my grandfather. If my father had been there I would have been much better off. A child without a father is very badly off. A feminist mother(which I thankfully didn't have) makes things much worse than it already is.

[Onto]

(02-25-2014 07:23 PM)hwuzhere Wrote:  

I'm sorry but I'll have to politely disagree with that. Without a male authority figure in my life I grew up to be a pussy shit and only toughened up due to my surroundings and the fatherly hand of my grandfather. If my father had been there I would have been much better off. A child without a father is very badly off. A feminist mother(which I thankfully didn't have) makes things much worse than it already is.

I don't know why you have so much hatred for your Father. It sounds like his work required him to travel. Wasn't his work required to feed his family and put a roof over thier heads. What would've happened to the family had he stayed home with no job? This modern day notion that a Father should be there at their children's beck and call is completely non-traditional.

Maybe there are some other reasons why you hate him so much, but from what you described above it seems unwarranted to hate the man who's responsible for you even being alive, and having food and shelter. It's a helluva thing to hate a man for that, but I can understand because that hatred for the Father is peppered throughout all the movies and TV shows for the last 30 years. It's every where. Unless the Father is at home serving his children's need for constant attention, playing with them, reading bedtime stories, chauffeuring them all around, then the Father is worthless and should be despised. Sad really.

[Onto]

(02-24-2014 08:49 PM)WD-40 Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 08:06 PM)worldwidetraveler Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 12:43 PM)RockHard Wrote:  

(02-24-2014 12:05 PM)WD-40 Wrote:  

A man is not qualified for marriage unless he has mastered his libidinous urges to the extent that he regards sex as he would regard a high quality Nicaraguan cigar or a nice single malt. As a pleasure to be sought out and savored, but not as in any way essential to his happiness.

That's a damned good rule of thumb, WD.

I disagree, it has nothing to do with reality.

Sex is part of happiness. We need sex to be happy. A sexless marriage is not what I would consider happiness and judging by the OP's questions, he doesn't either.

If you maintain that sexlessness in a marriage is a cause of unhappiness (as opposed to being a symptom of some other underlying cause), you are probably better off not getting married.

As for "We need sex to be happy" ... who is "we"?

Personally, I do not consider validation sex to be an essential ingredient of happiness. It is neither a necessary nor a sufficient condition.

Suppose, tomorrow morning, I were to drive past a chemical plant when all of a sudden, there is a big explosion and a purple cloud of gas engulfs my car. I wake up in the hospital and the friendly doctor explains to me that I have been injured by a freak accident involving a feminist research chemical.

Unfortunately, extensive medical tests have determined my brief exposure to the purple gas has inflicted some very subtle and irreversible organic damage to the glands of my skin. Such that instead of normal male pheromones, my sweat glands now emit slightly altered chemicals that immediately neutralize female desire.

Naturally, this alteration does not imply that I cannot have sex, nor would it imply that a female cannot or would not have sex with me. After my accident, a woman might still sexually engage with me for purely transactional reasons, or even out of a genuine sense of appreciation, love, kindness, duty or respect. But as soon as she is within olfactory range of my skin, she will be rendered chemically incapable of feeling even the slightest hint of erotic desire for me.

In other words, the doctor is explaining to me that I will never again be able to experience validation sex - or rather, that very specific sort of ego validation that results from enabling a female to consummate her erotic desire for me.

To put the question again... is this a problem? If so, why?

Men don't have sex with women to feel validated. They have sex with women because they want to possess them. To possess the feminine, to bring its wildness, fullness under our control and domain. Ever see those lions having sex? Do you think the male is concerned with feeling validated?

Now I'm just talking about sex, not relationships. That is something else entirely.