I just returned from a week-long trip to Montreal for McGill University's Carnival. Hands down, this was the most fun week of drinking I have ever experienced. The event was genuinely sponsored by Tinder, and there are paramedics on site for every night event - need I say more?
For those of you familiar with Montreal, you will know that the girls there are stunning to begin with. For those of you who know McGill University events, you will know that the girls there are smoking hot, friendly, and the partying is first-rate.
Of the five times I have visited Montreal for McGill University events I have gotten laid every single time. GO THERE!
Carnival is special, even more so than frosh/freshers week because this week has teams of 69 members – if that isn’t a sign already – compete with other teams to drink the most, and only consists of those who want the 6 days and nights of endless drinking. The winning team was named Dragon Balls Deep… somehow they pitch this event to the faculty as being for cancer fundraising.
Below is a collection of my nights out, and some stories thrown in there as well. I wrote every funny thing down in my phone that happened and I figured I might as well share it with you guys. I promise that every word is true.
Night 1:
A club called Stereo. Awesome layout, apparently one of the best sound systems in North America, and I remember next to nothing of it. However, I do remember leaving with an American girl (#1) around midnight (probably a 6 to be honest) and going back to hers. May have gotten with girls before her but can’t confirm. After morning sex I got her number and returned to my buddy’s wearing my disgusting onesie from the night before. Last time I visited I managed to have sex with 2 girls in 2 hours so I was thinking of maybe pushing it for 3 this year and getting her number was a good start. Full disclosure: it never happened this time.
1/1
Day 2:
There was a day challenge where one has to ride around on a tricycle and chug beers in the snow and there’s a video of a guy throwing up, vertically, all over himself, after downing 16 beers in 10 minutes. Legendary.
Night 2:
La Boom. Another club with a nice layout that actually made sense. There were multiple levels of dance floors and the talent was pretty prime. I got with two girls, including girl #1, and then was about to call it a night when I got a text from my ex-girlfriend which read: “Wanna come over?” Of course I fucking want to. Problem was, I went over, was too drunk to get it up even after eating a Turkey Sandwich and Iced Cap from Tim Hortons on the way over (Canadian will know what I’m talking about) and she was too drunk to go through with it since she still liked her more current ex (fuck, this sounds gay to type). Anyways, my buddies ended up coming over to hers to and trying to push for a foursome which never went down.
1/2
I heard the next day that an Egyptian guy I know convinced a girl to go home with him by asking if she wanted to see his knife collection.
Night 3:
Tonight was the Boat Race event at LaMouche. This was probably my favourite night of the week. Drinks were cheap, and me and an old friend were killing the dance floor Eiffel towering girls and loving life. I probably got with 3 girls before finding a blonde first year who was down to go home with me. She asked me if I knew her name before we went out and immediately I pulled my patented name manoeuvre: 1) “Do you even know my name?” Yes, she did. And then I hit her with the trump card: 2) “I know this is heavy but I actually have dyslexia and really struggle to remember names and words. Sorry if that’s a deal breaker but if you tell me your name once more and I repeat it out loud that will help a lot”. Immediately she apologized and agreed to come back with me. We got into my friend’s room and started banging, and then she did something I have never experienced before: she started spanking me while I was in missionary on top! I did not enjoy it, but figured it gave me free reign to be rough myself. Then she started rimming my ass, and eventually slipped a finger in which I was not expecting. I jumped up a bit, pinned her down, pounded her some more, and then eventually called it a night. My friend walked in on me with my dick out passed out and started watching some youtube videos. When I woke up we drank chocolate milk outside and chatted until she left at 5 AM.
2/3
I also met a guy the night before who told me he made $1000 from sperm bank donations. He now has daughters 6 months and 12 months old. He’s 19. Shady motherfucker.
Day 4:
The Cancer Auction raised $30k CAD somehow, and one guy drank 40 beers in the 3 hours during it. I met a guy who was bragging about how his sister was a 10 and banged Sidney Crosby as well. I feel like this gentleman – I’ll refer to him as ‘K’ – might pop up in future stories.
Night 4:
Telus Theatre: This night was called ‘Power Hour’ – McGill’s most RECKLESS night of the year. It’s famous, and this is the only club in Montreal that still agrees to host it. It’s a shot of beer every minute for 2 hours; and if you’re lucky, you know a guy pouring beer and get him to pour beer bottles straight on you. Before I knew it people were taking off their clothes, doing body shots off each other, every girl in the place was in a bra and it was sloppy as can be. My friend challenged me to see who could get with more girls. He got 8; I got 9. In fact, one of mine was a childhood friend, whom I saw walking around the club entirely topless, tits hanging out for everyone to see. Needless to say, I went in for it. When I saw him fingering some girl on the dance floor I left with one of mine but managed to lose her at coat check so I went back into the club, found a different girl, and left with her. Then things got interesting. In the taxi back this girl started getting felt up by the cabbie! He was reaching back and grabbing her tits as I madeout with her. I saw this happen but figured that a) he wouldn’t bang her; b) it’s funny; and c) I could leverage this to get a lower cab fare. She eventually caught on and flipped out and we got $2 off the cab fare, plus she agreed to split it with me. SUCCESS.
Went up to her room in the sorority and started banging. After I finished (realistically, 2 minutes in tops) she made me smoke some of her weed and then tried to go again but I had to keep telling her I was soft because indeed I was. She tried jerking me off which obviously hurt until eventually I got my clothes on and ran out of her house before she could rape me.
3/4
On the topic of handjobs, I heard a story that one of my friends convinced a girl that her giving him a handjob was actually a dream. Girls are dumb as rocks these days. There was also a first year spotted outside a convenience store jerking off and when confronted apparently was unfazed and continued.
Day 5:
Scavenger hunt around Montreal. I was told that two teams of two girls ended eating each other out in the snow but this is probably untrue considering how ridiculous that is.
Night 5:
Foam Party at Club ???? (can’t remember but the venue sucked anyways). The place was messy and the bartender was a cunt. I was drinking 5.9% beer at the pre and somehow thought I was sober at the club so my genius friend ordered a bunch of us 4 shots each. Before I knew it I had done something like 8 shots in under an hour and was absolutely fucked – the most drunk I had been all week. I stumbled around the club, saw a girl I had pipelined getting with some much better looking guy than me, and resigned, texted girl #1. She agreed to go with me and my buddy to ‘2chow’ a place that sells $2 chow mein. I ordered extra peanut sauce on it, and then banged her again. The next morning I was sure I was going to throw up and felt terrible all day. I told her I couldn’t even kiss her goodbye so I hugged her and then walked home. My drug dealer friend tried telling me that smoking weed would help get rid of the nausea but that didn’t work, nor did going for all you can eat sushi afterwards.
3/5
Night 6:
First, we went to the ‘Ultimate Pre’. It was fucked up. Our ‘captains’ had bought six litres of vodka, stupid amounts of Fireball whiskey, and other sketchy alcohol I have never seen before. They ended up lubing some guy up and sending him around the house. A first year was convinced to eat a snake but a bunch of guys missed it because they were too busy doing lines of Ritalin in the host’s room and peeing out his window.
Club Entourage: I was one of the few who actually made it to the club that night. I ended up getting with a girl I thought was really great and I liked, only to discover after talking to her more that in fact I did not like her. Plus she was a shitty kisser which I usually take as a sign that she isn’t DTF. I ended up leaving, getting some dubious Lebanese food with some bros, texted my ex-girlfriend telling her that she should get a herpes check, and called it a night. I don’t actually have herpes. Yet.
Believe it or not, I saw an Asian first year try to get with a girl in a wheelchair – and she rejected him! Easily one of the best moments of my life.
Other thoughts on Montreal:
The student bar ‘Gerts’ is INCREDIBLE. You might need a McGill ID to get in so just smoke outside and tell someone you forgot your ID at home and you can get someone to vouch for you. Drinks are the cheapest you’ll find in Montreal and the girls are hot. I remember looking around once and thinking that 50% of the girls there were hotter than anyone I’ve ever gotten with… let’s not answer who that reflects well/poorly on.
Bar du Pins (BDP) is killer on Tuesday nights. They have beer pong and it’s right across from a first year residence (‘New Res’) so talent is great. I once drunkenly called my grandmother from the bathroom there. Thank god she can’t figure out answering machines.
Tokyo on Thursdays gets a big rep from students. Apparently there’s a lot of coke done there but a lot of slutty girls as well.
Korova Mondays I hear good things about too.
St. Sulpice is a massive bar/club kind of like the Madison in Toronto, also a great spot for opening girls as the place is massive and open air.
Conclusions: Montreal is awesome, and it’s even better if you can get into McGill events.
Until next time,
Hank
For those of you familiar with Montreal, you will know that the girls there are stunning to begin with. For those of you who know McGill University events, you will know that the girls there are smoking hot, friendly, and the partying is first-rate.
Of the five times I have visited Montreal for McGill University events I have gotten laid every single time. GO THERE!
Carnival is special, even more so than frosh/freshers week because this week has teams of 69 members – if that isn’t a sign already – compete with other teams to drink the most, and only consists of those who want the 6 days and nights of endless drinking. The winning team was named Dragon Balls Deep… somehow they pitch this event to the faculty as being for cancer fundraising.
Below is a collection of my nights out, and some stories thrown in there as well. I wrote every funny thing down in my phone that happened and I figured I might as well share it with you guys. I promise that every word is true.
Night 1:
A club called Stereo. Awesome layout, apparently one of the best sound systems in North America, and I remember next to nothing of it. However, I do remember leaving with an American girl (#1) around midnight (probably a 6 to be honest) and going back to hers. May have gotten with girls before her but can’t confirm. After morning sex I got her number and returned to my buddy’s wearing my disgusting onesie from the night before. Last time I visited I managed to have sex with 2 girls in 2 hours so I was thinking of maybe pushing it for 3 this year and getting her number was a good start. Full disclosure: it never happened this time.
1/1
Day 2:
There was a day challenge where one has to ride around on a tricycle and chug beers in the snow and there’s a video of a guy throwing up, vertically, all over himself, after downing 16 beers in 10 minutes. Legendary.
Night 2:
La Boom. Another club with a nice layout that actually made sense. There were multiple levels of dance floors and the talent was pretty prime. I got with two girls, including girl #1, and then was about to call it a night when I got a text from my ex-girlfriend which read: “Wanna come over?” Of course I fucking want to. Problem was, I went over, was too drunk to get it up even after eating a Turkey Sandwich and Iced Cap from Tim Hortons on the way over (Canadian will know what I’m talking about) and she was too drunk to go through with it since she still liked her more current ex (fuck, this sounds gay to type). Anyways, my buddies ended up coming over to hers to and trying to push for a foursome which never went down.
1/2
I heard the next day that an Egyptian guy I know convinced a girl to go home with him by asking if she wanted to see his knife collection.
Night 3:
Tonight was the Boat Race event at LaMouche. This was probably my favourite night of the week. Drinks were cheap, and me and an old friend were killing the dance floor Eiffel towering girls and loving life. I probably got with 3 girls before finding a blonde first year who was down to go home with me. She asked me if I knew her name before we went out and immediately I pulled my patented name manoeuvre: 1) “Do you even know my name?” Yes, she did. And then I hit her with the trump card: 2) “I know this is heavy but I actually have dyslexia and really struggle to remember names and words. Sorry if that’s a deal breaker but if you tell me your name once more and I repeat it out loud that will help a lot”. Immediately she apologized and agreed to come back with me. We got into my friend’s room and started banging, and then she did something I have never experienced before: she started spanking me while I was in missionary on top! I did not enjoy it, but figured it gave me free reign to be rough myself. Then she started rimming my ass, and eventually slipped a finger in which I was not expecting. I jumped up a bit, pinned her down, pounded her some more, and then eventually called it a night. My friend walked in on me with my dick out passed out and started watching some youtube videos. When I woke up we drank chocolate milk outside and chatted until she left at 5 AM.
2/3
I also met a guy the night before who told me he made $1000 from sperm bank donations. He now has daughters 6 months and 12 months old. He’s 19. Shady motherfucker.
Day 4:
The Cancer Auction raised $30k CAD somehow, and one guy drank 40 beers in the 3 hours during it. I met a guy who was bragging about how his sister was a 10 and banged Sidney Crosby as well. I feel like this gentleman – I’ll refer to him as ‘K’ – might pop up in future stories.
Night 4:
Telus Theatre: This night was called ‘Power Hour’ – McGill’s most RECKLESS night of the year. It’s famous, and this is the only club in Montreal that still agrees to host it. It’s a shot of beer every minute for 2 hours; and if you’re lucky, you know a guy pouring beer and get him to pour beer bottles straight on you. Before I knew it people were taking off their clothes, doing body shots off each other, every girl in the place was in a bra and it was sloppy as can be. My friend challenged me to see who could get with more girls. He got 8; I got 9. In fact, one of mine was a childhood friend, whom I saw walking around the club entirely topless, tits hanging out for everyone to see. Needless to say, I went in for it. When I saw him fingering some girl on the dance floor I left with one of mine but managed to lose her at coat check so I went back into the club, found a different girl, and left with her. Then things got interesting. In the taxi back this girl started getting felt up by the cabbie! He was reaching back and grabbing her tits as I madeout with her. I saw this happen but figured that a) he wouldn’t bang her; b) it’s funny; and c) I could leverage this to get a lower cab fare. She eventually caught on and flipped out and we got $2 off the cab fare, plus she agreed to split it with me. SUCCESS.
Went up to her room in the sorority and started banging. After I finished (realistically, 2 minutes in tops) she made me smoke some of her weed and then tried to go again but I had to keep telling her I was soft because indeed I was. She tried jerking me off which obviously hurt until eventually I got my clothes on and ran out of her house before she could rape me.
3/4
On the topic of handjobs, I heard a story that one of my friends convinced a girl that her giving him a handjob was actually a dream. Girls are dumb as rocks these days. There was also a first year spotted outside a convenience store jerking off and when confronted apparently was unfazed and continued.
Day 5:
Scavenger hunt around Montreal. I was told that two teams of two girls ended eating each other out in the snow but this is probably untrue considering how ridiculous that is.
Night 5:
Foam Party at Club ???? (can’t remember but the venue sucked anyways). The place was messy and the bartender was a cunt. I was drinking 5.9% beer at the pre and somehow thought I was sober at the club so my genius friend ordered a bunch of us 4 shots each. Before I knew it I had done something like 8 shots in under an hour and was absolutely fucked – the most drunk I had been all week. I stumbled around the club, saw a girl I had pipelined getting with some much better looking guy than me, and resigned, texted girl #1. She agreed to go with me and my buddy to ‘2chow’ a place that sells $2 chow mein. I ordered extra peanut sauce on it, and then banged her again. The next morning I was sure I was going to throw up and felt terrible all day. I told her I couldn’t even kiss her goodbye so I hugged her and then walked home. My drug dealer friend tried telling me that smoking weed would help get rid of the nausea but that didn’t work, nor did going for all you can eat sushi afterwards.
3/5
Night 6:
First, we went to the ‘Ultimate Pre’. It was fucked up. Our ‘captains’ had bought six litres of vodka, stupid amounts of Fireball whiskey, and other sketchy alcohol I have never seen before. They ended up lubing some guy up and sending him around the house. A first year was convinced to eat a snake but a bunch of guys missed it because they were too busy doing lines of Ritalin in the host’s room and peeing out his window.
Club Entourage: I was one of the few who actually made it to the club that night. I ended up getting with a girl I thought was really great and I liked, only to discover after talking to her more that in fact I did not like her. Plus she was a shitty kisser which I usually take as a sign that she isn’t DTF. I ended up leaving, getting some dubious Lebanese food with some bros, texted my ex-girlfriend telling her that she should get a herpes check, and called it a night. I don’t actually have herpes. Yet.
Believe it or not, I saw an Asian first year try to get with a girl in a wheelchair – and she rejected him! Easily one of the best moments of my life.
Other thoughts on Montreal:
The student bar ‘Gerts’ is INCREDIBLE. You might need a McGill ID to get in so just smoke outside and tell someone you forgot your ID at home and you can get someone to vouch for you. Drinks are the cheapest you’ll find in Montreal and the girls are hot. I remember looking around once and thinking that 50% of the girls there were hotter than anyone I’ve ever gotten with… let’s not answer who that reflects well/poorly on.
Bar du Pins (BDP) is killer on Tuesday nights. They have beer pong and it’s right across from a first year residence (‘New Res’) so talent is great. I once drunkenly called my grandmother from the bathroom there. Thank god she can’t figure out answering machines.
Tokyo on Thursdays gets a big rep from students. Apparently there’s a lot of coke done there but a lot of slutty girls as well.
Korova Mondays I hear good things about too.
St. Sulpice is a massive bar/club kind of like the Madison in Toronto, also a great spot for opening girls as the place is massive and open air.
Conclusions: Montreal is awesome, and it’s even better if you can get into McGill events.
Until next time,
Hank
