[Ice]

I'm in a clinch about being in a "scene" - I'm curious to hear what you think about it. When I was younger, I used to be a skateboarder and it was pretty cool being part of a group with a common interest. At some point I quit skateboarding and I haven't been in a "scene" ever since. I did kind of think about joining some scene just to have this feeling of belonging somewhere - but I haven't really found any "scene" that I think suits me. For example, there are different types of parties / clubs that cater to certain groups of people, so if you go to these parties regularly you keep seeing the same people and get to know them etc. But first of all I haven't really found a group of people I feel I belong to, and second of all I thought that in all scenes there is a preexisting hierarchy, so if you wanna join this scene you have to fit into it. Many people are using scenes to gain status and make a name for themselves.

In my professional life I have no problem fitting myself into a hierarchy, because the people I work for have achieved a lot in their lives and are very accomplished, and I give them respect for that. But in my free time I don't feel like joining some hierarchy and trying to "climb the ladder" in a scene just to be cool. It's just a hassle and it destroys my frame. So if you don't adjust to the hierarchy and don't try to fit into it, you will never really become part of a preexisting scene.

Did you guys have similar experiences?

When I was in NYC I was very self-sufficient, went out dolo all the time and loved it. I hit on girls all the time and also hooked up with many girls. But at the same time I also didn't belong anywhere really. Not too long ago I moved to Berlin, and I thought I'll make a fresh start and try to become part of a scene here. But I just noticed that it has a bad effect on my frame. If I have the attitude "fuck what everyone thinks" it's just a lot more liberating and empowering than when I kinda have to hold back because I don't want to offend people in a certain "scene". Naturally I am quite direct and dominant, that's why I feel like I have to hold back in social situations to not antagonise certain people.

This has now turned into a pretty long rant, but I hope you know what I'm getting at .. Have you ever had a similar dilemma?

[Matt3B]

I can relate to this, mate. Growing up I was a skateboarder too and fit into the scene with a lot of my close friends. Since stopping I haven't felt associated to any particular group or scene either. I kind of miss feeling part of something when I think about it, but it's not something that keeps me up at night searching for a purpose.

[Parlay44]

You're better off starting your own social group instead of "joining a scene". What I mean is handpick one or a group of like-minded guys to go out with. That way you're the alpha of the group and that vibe goes out into the world when you're all out together. Women pick up on it.

I've always been a part of music scenes growing up. First it was metalheads then the NJ/NY Hardcore music scene. The thing I can tell you about scenes like that is girls will always go for the guys who are in working bands. It's not enough to be a musician. You have to have a band and be playing shows with other bands in order to get any female attention otherwise you're a just a fan or worse ...a male groupie.

[SeanBateman]

I can relate to this as well. I was also a skater when I was a kid and I had a tight crew of skater friends. We all came from fucked up home situations so we bonded in a way that I think more normal and healthy people would bond with their families. We hung out everyday and skated and did drugs and tagged and got in very violent fights with other groups of guys but it was still sort of innocent, like a mix between Huckleberry Finn and the movie Kids. The sad part is that for most of those guys things got worse as we grew up, jail and drug problems and such. I somehow pulled it together and have done well for myself, but since then I have found friendships with most other people to be less meaningful and less interesting. And especially now with a scene in your example Berlin being very similar to a scene in NYC or LA or really anywhere that has a good coffee shop, a cheap bar and a place where bands can play, and everyone is just taking pictures of themselves with their fucking iPhones anyway. I have found hanging out with the same crew of people too often can get stale rather quickly, so rotating among different groups has worked better for me. It means that I am never as close with a particular group as I could be, but when I do come around I have more to talk about and I don't get bored as easily. I think spreading time and interest around to different groups of people is good to keep things more dynamic. There's a good chance of meeting a couple solid new friends in the process, but frankly most people are not terribly interesting anyway. I think it's good for a grown man to have a balance between having good friends but not being too reliant on them socially.

[Ice]

Parlay44,
yeah you are probably right. I have been thinking about that too - just starting my own "scene". Doesn't have to be a "real" scene, but as you said, just a like-minded group of guys to go out with.

Yeah I know, it doesn't make any sense at all to hang out in music scenes if one is not actively participating and playing shows etc. It just makes one a groupie basically. But parties or bars etc. are a bit different, since those scenes don't really revolve around a common activity - except for hanging out ..

SeanBateman,
yeah that was exactly my experience being a skater - most people I used to hang out with came from pretty fucked up home situations - myself included. But I had to leave that scene at some point because it didn't suit me anymore - there was a lot of negative energy. Also, most people in that scene weren't exactly the brightest .. But while I was part of it it was very nice - it was a very tight-knit group with common values that most "outsiders" didn't understand at all.

But yeah it def makes sense what you say - it's prob best to have 2 or 3 different groups of people to hang out with. Or as Parlay44 suggested - just get my own crew of people to hang out with ..

[/code]

[capote]

Excellent thread btw. I can fully relate to this: Finished Uni a year ago where I was part of the "international student" scene. Fast-forward 6 months and I am in a cushy job, new city, pays decent dime so basically I have neither the need nor the luxury of a scene. Sure I have my own projects, but increasingly feel like a lone ranger on a mission. That feeling of belonging to a group and having a common goal (however inane) is missing.

I am really looking forward to how this discussion flows..

[Duke Castile]

It sounds to me like you don't have very many hobbies.

You don't have to "fit" into a hierarchy, you just have to be a cool person that's interesting to talk to.

If you're trying to infiltrate a certain social circle then it would help to have intrinsic interests.

Examples of things that make tight friends are fitness groups such as CrossFit or BJJ. Those two groups are as diverse as RVF.

Another thing that makes friends, smoking weed. I don't personally smoke but I have friends that do and they are always meeting new people because getting high is a bonding experience.

If you don't have any interests that bring you towards groups of people to interact with where you share a common belief or appreciation, then that is what is making you feel as though your frame is being harmed, you are being a faker, and that is fundamentally bad for a strong frame.

[Ice]

Well yeah, you're right, at the moment I indeed don't have many hobbies. In the past two years I have been mostly focused on my work - which is kind of my hobby .. But the thing is, there is no real "scene" around that type of job. Sure, there are professional meet-ups, but that isn't something I would do for fun. I am good at what i do, but I don't feel a great need to hang out with the people in my line of work in my spare time .. Also, there aren't too many girls in these circles, or rather no girls I am interested in ..

But I am in the process of changing my situation and picking up a hobby that I am passionate about but haven't had the time (and money) to engage in in the past. So I think that might create new commonalities with people.

But either way, at the end of the day one has to come to terms with the fact that one is on one's own in life. At least in my case. As I mentioned above, I am good at what I do professionally - but fact is, in terms of my interests and my background I actually don't really fit in with that professional circle. Also, the hobby that I want to start and that I have been interested in all along for quite some time now, is diametral different to my job in terms of the people it attracts. So I think it will be really hard to find people who share my interest for both of these areas / activities. And in addition to that, let's be honest, if you're into this PUA stuff and are chatting up random girls on the street, you are quite an exception - not too many guys are doing that, at least not in Europe. So if you take all these things together, it is not very realistic to think that I will find a "scene" of people who share my interests ..

But in a way it doesn't really matter - as someone suggested above, it's probably best to just have different scenes where you can pop in and out of.

(11-14-2013 10:36 PM)Fisto Wrote:  

It sounds to me like you don't have very many hobbies.

You don't have to "fit" into a hierarchy, you just have to be a cool person that's interesting to talk to.

If you're trying to infiltrate a certain social circle then it would help to have intrinsic interests.

Examples of things that make tight friends are fitness groups such as CrossFit or BJJ. Those two groups are as diverse as RVF.

Another thing that makes friends, smoking weed. I don't personally smoke but I have friends that do and they are always meeting new people because getting high is a bonding experience.

If you don't have any interests that bring you towards groups of people to interact with where you share a common belief or appreciation, then that is what is making you feel as though your frame is being harmed, you are being a faker, and that is fundamentally bad for a strong frame.