I’m 37, lucky to be born into a very loving and supportive family, and as a result everything went right for me. Did well at school, came to USA. Have a PhD, work in high tech, and have saved well for the past 10 years. Travelled to over 40 countries, natural at music and dance well too (ballroom, latin etc). Very average looking, 160 lbs, 5”8. Level headed and mature. Very driven, outgoing and confident. In short, enjoyed my single life.
Parents wanted me to have an arranged marriage – I didn’t like the girls they chose, so I found somebody from a SEA country. Daily online chats for 5 years, and meeting once a year in her country. At no time did I get bad vibes of being a gold-digger or out for a GC. After 5 years , inspite of parents disapproval, finally got them to give in and married her. They have been nice to her and she is nice to them.
She: Basically a nice girl at heart, but troubled childhood because of a mother who did not understand how to raise children well (severe beating, shaming etc) . Had to fend for herself throughout her life and now defense mechanism is to be very hard-nosed about everything, and accuse me of ‘controlling her’. After marriage, would fly into a rage for the smallest of reasons – for two years kept hitting me (“I hate myself for doing this”, “you are making me do this”, “I have never done this to anybody else”). At first I never hit back, because I don’t believe in violence as a form of argument. Later realized that if I didn’t do something, it would just continue. Once I started to hit back, she suddenly discovered ‘how to keep her anger in control’. Unable to keep a promise that she makes. Will only see what is hurting her, and is blind to her own actions that are causing hurt in others. Wants things ‘now’, and accuses me of ‘controlling her’ if I don’t give in. Tried to commit suicide (in front of me) and later admitted it was to ‘get control’. All things indicate that all this is about gaining control in the relationship. I don’t mind giving up control to somebody who is mature– but will not cede control to somebody who would (unintentionally) make my family into a replica of what her own dysfunctional family was. I’d classify myself as a ‘guy with a good heart, but not a push-over’. I think that surprised her a bit after marriage– she was probably expecting me to lie down and let her walk all over me.
Went to psychologist a few times, but unable to get anywhere since she didn’t want to continue – needed ‘time to rest and recover’ and says will go back later.
She is very good looking, but does not flirt around. Does not spend money needlessly and keeps a good home. A good SEA wife in many respects, but damaged because of childhood.
I’m about 90% committed to divorce right now (after 3 years of this hell). Have no kids (Thankfully).
a) Any hope of salvaging the situation ?
b) If want to remarry in my own country(you know the one where they write s/w for a living), would just get the dregs since I’m nearing 40 and the stigma of being divorced is not a desirable quality in a groom. How is it elsewhere in the world ? Logic tells me that there must be some nice women out there. Anybody care to chime in with your own experience of a SECOND marriage, to a SEA or south American girl ?
Parents wanted me to have an arranged marriage – I didn’t like the girls they chose, so I found somebody from a SEA country. Daily online chats for 5 years, and meeting once a year in her country. At no time did I get bad vibes of being a gold-digger or out for a GC. After 5 years , inspite of parents disapproval, finally got them to give in and married her. They have been nice to her and she is nice to them.
She: Basically a nice girl at heart, but troubled childhood because of a mother who did not understand how to raise children well (severe beating, shaming etc) . Had to fend for herself throughout her life and now defense mechanism is to be very hard-nosed about everything, and accuse me of ‘controlling her’. After marriage, would fly into a rage for the smallest of reasons – for two years kept hitting me (“I hate myself for doing this”, “you are making me do this”, “I have never done this to anybody else”). At first I never hit back, because I don’t believe in violence as a form of argument. Later realized that if I didn’t do something, it would just continue. Once I started to hit back, she suddenly discovered ‘how to keep her anger in control’. Unable to keep a promise that she makes. Will only see what is hurting her, and is blind to her own actions that are causing hurt in others. Wants things ‘now’, and accuses me of ‘controlling her’ if I don’t give in. Tried to commit suicide (in front of me) and later admitted it was to ‘get control’. All things indicate that all this is about gaining control in the relationship. I don’t mind giving up control to somebody who is mature– but will not cede control to somebody who would (unintentionally) make my family into a replica of what her own dysfunctional family was. I’d classify myself as a ‘guy with a good heart, but not a push-over’. I think that surprised her a bit after marriage– she was probably expecting me to lie down and let her walk all over me.
Went to psychologist a few times, but unable to get anywhere since she didn’t want to continue – needed ‘time to rest and recover’ and says will go back later.
She is very good looking, but does not flirt around. Does not spend money needlessly and keeps a good home. A good SEA wife in many respects, but damaged because of childhood.
I’m about 90% committed to divorce right now (after 3 years of this hell). Have no kids (Thankfully).
a) Any hope of salvaging the situation ?
b) If want to remarry in my own country(you know the one where they write s/w for a living), would just get the dregs since I’m nearing 40 and the stigma of being divorced is not a desirable quality in a groom. How is it elsewhere in the world ? Logic tells me that there must be some nice women out there. Anybody care to chime in with your own experience of a SECOND marriage, to a SEA or south American girl ?
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