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Distancing yourself from family members
#1

Distancing yourself from family members

I finally had a red pill break down with my mother and some of her friends. Long story short, I wrote this crazy red pill manifesto about why her problems exist, how her and her friends have never matured out of college, and told her that she gets 1 visit from me per year.

The intention of the letter wasn't to get them to change their ways. It was more of a way of getting back at them for the amount of BS I had to put up with growing up. Yeah we all know being rude isn't nice blah blah, but sometimes being a douchebag feels good and the savory taste of being brutally honest feels even better.

But for a long time, I realized I can't talk or be around my mom for extended periods of time without going insane. Everything about her is the antithesis of who I am as a person and the incessant victim hood kills me.

I've written them off and distanced myself. Thankfully, my father (divorced my mom) had a red pill awakening on his own and has come to the light. We've become closer and ironically he has learned game at 60. He regularly snags broads in their 30s and is game wise about a year or two away from me in terms of experience. I've come to really appreciate his company.

However, much to the dismay of her and a bunch of other supplicating pussies, "You need to strengthen your relationship with your mother and your middle brother!" I honestly don't see the need of entertaining people who add very little value to my life and detract from my ability to enjoy what i have. The attitudes and belief systems they have are so toxic.

I look at them and ask myself, "Would I be friends with these people if we weren't family?" The answer is a resounding no so I don't see the need of keeping them tuned into my life outside of a once a year visit.

Opinions on family once you're out of the house with your own job? Any tips on managing them?
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#2

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 09:40 AM)frenchie Wrote:  

I finally had a red pill break down with my mother and some of her friends. Long story short, I wrote this crazy red pill manifesto about why her problems exist, how her and her friends have never matured out of college, and told her that she gets 1 visit from me per year.

The intention of the letter wasn't to get them to change their ways. It was more of a way of getting back at them for the amount of BS I had to put up with growing up. Yeah we all know being rude isn't nice blah blah, but sometimes being a douchebag feels good and the savory taste of being brutally honest feels even better.

But for a long time, I realized I can't talk or be around my mom for extended periods of time without going insane. Everything about her is the antithesis of who I am as a person and the incessant victim hood kills me.

I've written them off and distanced myself. Thankfully, my father (divorced my mom) had a red pill awakening on his own and has come to the light. We've become closer and ironically he has learned game at 60. He regularly snags broads in their 30s and is game wise about a year or two away from me in terms of experience. I've come to really appreciate his company.

However, much to the dismay of her and a bunch of other supplicating pussies, "You need to strengthen your relationship with your mother and your middle brother!" I honestly don't see the need of entertaining people who add very little value to my life and detract from my ability to enjoy what i have. The attitudes and belief systems they have are so toxic.

I look at them and ask myself, "Would I be friends with these people if we weren't family?" The answer is a resounding no so I don't see the need of keeping them tuned into my life outside of a once a year visit.

Opinions on family once you're out of the house with your own job? Any tips on managing them?

You're very right that you can't expect her to change at this age if she is still acting like she did when she was in college(how does she do this exactly? drinking and partying on the weekends and hitting on way younger guys?)

What exactly did she say to you that was holding you back?

If she was abusive at all, or an alcoholic or drug addict, yes definitely cut her off and focus on the relationship you have with your dad(awesome that he is learning game btw)

I only see my folks a few days a year around thanksgiving and christmas, and my relationship is strong with both parents, they just live so far away.
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#3

Distancing yourself from family members

It gets worse once you have a kid. I disowned my father a few years back. He's a shining beacon of negativity and pessimism. I just can't be around that anymore. My mother is on the fast track to being cut off as well. I'm a 40 year old grown man and she still talks down to me like I'm a kid and tries to run my life. I really don't know how some cultures live 3 generations in the same house. I see my family once a month for a few hours and I wanna shoot myself after.

I think the reason it bothers you so much is because you've grown way past their level of mentality and maturity. You're obviously a smart guy. Smart people get frustrated trying to connect with people beneath them. Your family should be able to see that and let you be free. It means they did their job raising you properly.

Team Nachos
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#4

Distancing yourself from family members

You've got to confront your family members directly and tell them exactly how it's going to be, that you're going to be your own man and they can eat shit for trying to hold you back.
Writing them a note just convinces them that they've won, they're so terrifying to you that they can own your thoughts, mind, and behavior for eternity.
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#5

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 10:02 AM)master_thespian Wrote:  

You're very right that you can't expect her to change at this age if she is still acting like she did when she was in college(how does she do this exactly? drinking and partying on the weekends and hitting on way younger guys?)

What exactly did she say to you that was holding you back?

If she was abusive at all, or an alcoholic or drug addict, yes definitely cut her off and focus on the relationship you have with your dad(awesome that he is learning game btw)

I only see my folks a few days a year around thanksgiving and christmas, and my relationship is strong with both parents, they just live so far away.

Thankfully given the circumstances, my life wasn't that bad growing up.

I get a bit of guilt because my life was pretty nice, but a lot of what she does is just the same classic blue pill liberal stuff. She has a boyfriend now after 2 failed marriages, but all of that she wants is a well behaved son that takes her word as god.

Her boyfriend is a retired master electrician that I can't really peg. He's a natural red pill guy that's physically huge but was a classic hippy growing up. A strange mix of culture I don't get. From what I know, he was a natural alpha growing up and just took advantage of the "free love" that was going around during the 60s.

This was mostly an irrational break down by me. I don't care, because the intention was mostly to dispense hate.

Her friend's daughter who I know personally is dating this rich jewish kid. They live in Arizona and the daughter is a bright kid. She had some offers to go to USC and UVA but has since rescinded those offers to stay local for this boy. The kid has zero game, but drives a Bentley and has been playing money provider game for a awhile. They're all 17. She likes dancing and this kid promised her a dance studio (ohh boy).

Now this is where I deviate from the red pill group think. If you have the smarts to pursue a degree in some STEM field then by all means do it. Throwing away potential talent kills me no matter what the sex.

I'm a little too close to the family as well given my history with them. I've met with the kid's parents a ton of times and had some talks with them about their concerns. I've told them to their faces that they need to be stern parents and cut the cords.

They refused, saying that, "We don't want to push our kid away!"

Fine with me, I go about my merry way and forget about it. Get a call from the momster and some more gossip. I finally snapped and wrote some petty comment on the FB about how if she went to a good college she could score better looking rich guys.

Well, the group has all garnered together in support now of the kid's decision. I sat back, laughed, and trolled the hell out of all of them.

Basically saying their drama and problems are all caused by their lack of backbone. The family friends have another son who is a classic omega and a little too into his mother. He swapped schools, graduated, and now lives at home working part time jobs.

Long story short, I called them all wimps who lack back bone, authority, and the ability to sort out their problems. I compared my life as being supremely simple with little drama and I also surround myself with people who are smart enough and care enough to speak up to me when I am making bad decisions (true).

I added in a bit about what caused their son and my younger brother to become manboys that have in my words "become cuckolds for their cheating girlfriends and wives, never aspire to become anything more professionally, and finally never want to leave home." They have this thing about trotting out "impulsive behavior". I called them on it and said that is why you all have failed boys on your hands.

I also said that it requires minimal effort to become self sufficient in today's society. If you fail at doing that, then you fail as a person and a parent.

We're all not speaking to each other anymore [Image: angel.gif]

Obviously, there are several problems with me at this point. I shouldn't get involved with other people's lives no matter how close I am with them. The solution? Cut them out and not have people who create drama like that.

The second problem was forcibly opening people's eyes to their BS. People don't want help, just a vent.

The point of all of this was to burn bridges. They weren't adding value to my life, would call me for my "advice", and would subsequently not take it. I got fed up with it and told them all to "go f*ck themselves".

Quote: (09-24-2013 10:47 AM)Hades Wrote:  

You've got to confront your family members directly and tell them exactly how it's going to be, that you're going to be your own man and they can eat shit for trying to hold you back.
Writing them a note just convinces them that they've won, they're so terrifying to you that they can own your thoughts, mind, and behavior for eternity.

I called them all out equally. Either way, they're all a considerable distance from me.
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#6

Distancing yourself from family members

Well, I'm just gonna call it like I see it:

This all sounds extremely petty. Unless you've got parents that are alcoholic and physically abusive, I see no good reason whatsoever to be holding them to these ludicrous standards.

Parents always will talk down to you and think they know best. That's just the nature of having parents. Maybe they don't know how to express it properly, but this is called having caring parents.

And you know what? One day they'll be dead. Gone forever. The people that gave you life, brought you up in this world, and made sure you didn't get killed in the process. You want to cut them out for what, because of their views?

Might want a perspective check here.

How exactly are they holding you back? Do you live at home? If anyone in this world is holding you back, it's more likely your problem rather than theirs.

"...so I gave her an STD, and she STILL wanted to bang me."

TEAM NO APPS

TEAM PINK
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#7

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 09:40 AM)frenchie Wrote:  

I look at them and ask myself, "Would I be friends with these people if we weren't family?"

[Image: potd.gif]

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#8

Distancing yourself from family members

The reality is that your parents most likely will be the your greatest impediment to achieving great things.

That you aspire to do better than they is something they perceive as a threat - and they will trey to sabotage you - consciously or subconsciously.

This is very common - its probably the main reason poor people stay poor - the parents sabotage the children - and mess up their confidence and concerntration in a way that only parents can.


Solution: put them on ice. they cannot change even if they wanted to.

holidays and regular phone call check ups and emergencies - but thats it.

stay away from them. No need to insult them or fight - just stay a healthy distance away so that they cannot affect you.
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#9

Distancing yourself from family members

I cut my dad off a long time ago when i found out he was beta and blue pill for not cheating on my mom. Same thing with my mom for being a slut and having me before marriage.
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#10

Distancing yourself from family members

Be a real man and take control of your family.
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#11

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 11:14 AM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

Well, I'm just gonna call it like I see it:

This all sounds extremely petty. Unless you've got parents that are alcoholic and physically abusive, I see no good reason whatsoever to be holding them to these ludicrous standards.

Parents always will talk down to you and think they know best. That's just the nature of having parents. Maybe they don't know how to express it properly, but this is called having caring parents.

And you know what? One day they'll be dead. Gone forever. The people that gave you life, brought you up in this world, and made sure you didn't get killed in the process. You want to cut them out for what, because of their views?

Might want a perspective check here.

How exactly are they holding you back? Do you live at home? If anyone in this world is holding you back, it's more likely your problem rather than theirs.

I agree hence my questions to the great minds of the RVF board.

The problem is, I was once held to these high standards (weren't hard to meet) and once I grew out of it I've been unable to shake them.

Strangely enough, my $hit doesn't stink and I have an excellent track record of keeping everything above board and in line. It's a little strange how put together my life is at such a young age.

There's a great How I Met Your Mother term for the problem her. Revertigo i think is what it is called. Basically, when you are with someone from your past that you haven't seen in awhile you revert to the person you used to be with them.

Strangely, that is what is going on. I used to be a very obedient and well behaved kid growing up. Being around that is a continuous battle of not falling back into that well. That behavior was detrimental to me being able to handle the world and the feelings of reverting back to it put me back into that hole.
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#12

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 12:37 PM)soup Wrote:  

Be a real man and take control of your family.

not possible with parents. They were full-fledged adults before having you - most likely.

They cannot change. Even if they even saw the need to do so.

Some of the biggest haters - against their own children I have seen have been parents.

Put them on ice.

Your only obligation is to treat them respectfully, be there for emergencies, and semi regular contact - this can be done by phone, email, etc - holidays, etc.

they'll figure it out of course - but this doesn't matter as they will never apologize for their behavior, nor can they change it.
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#13

Distancing yourself from family members

I love my family dearly, but fought a lot with them. I left but missed them very much, so now I keep their heads in the freezer.
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#14

Distancing yourself from family members

It's a tough situation to be in.

I think you need to be ready to walk away and distance yourself if your relationship is detrimental to your happiness.

Walking away should be a last resort. No threats, just walking away. You don't want to try and control someone based on threats. It won't work.

My mother has always been really pessimistic. Not only that but very controlling. The controlling part never worked on me but the fact that she would try it was enough for our relationship to suffer greatly.

It got to a point where I was ready to walk. I think that was when she realized it wouldn't work and what she thought was the best for me wasn't what would make me happy.

She really came around, in fact, we have a great relationship now. Funny, some of the things I was saying years ago she is now agreeing with which was the opposite of what she originally wanted for me.

She is still pessimistic as hell, but that is her own insecurities. She just wants me to be happy and finally realized that I am. Any good parent wants that for their kids. If I wasn't open to repairing the relationship, we both would have missed out greatly.
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#15

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 12:31 PM)houston Wrote:  

I cut my dad off a long time ago when i found out he was beta and blue pill for not cheating on my mom. Same thing with my mom for being a slut and having me before marriage.

Great one, almost got me posting that "not sure if serious" picture [Image: lol.gif]

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#16

Distancing yourself from family members

Frenchie:
This is all very normal, so don't be too distressed at some of the reactions. Every guy as he matures wants to assert himself and define his persona to his family and friends. Just be sure to do it in a way that doesn't burn any bridges or get too personally insulting. The very fact that you took the time to outline your views on life in a "manifesto" tells me that:
1. You're a thinking person;
2. You at least have some concern for what your family thinks;
3. You care enough to let them know your views

So, don't flagellate yourself too much about it. The only red lines you should not cross (which I have seen some people cross with their family members) are going vindictive, mean-spirited, or malicious. Bottom line is that that our parents are human and probably did the best they could with the tools they had. Forgive their ignorance...they'll never get it the way your peers will. Trying to make them understand will result in a lot of frustration and wasted energy. Trust me on this.

But it is good to define yourself as a man, especially with family members. Even (or especially) in families, you have to stand up for yourself. Even if that means stepping on parental toes on occasion. He who has never done this, has never left the nest. Just do it in a way that does not crush their self-esteem as people.
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#17

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 11:14 AM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

Well, I'm just gonna call it like I see it:

This all sounds extremely petty. Unless you've got parents that are alcoholic and physically abusive, I see no good reason whatsoever to be holding them to these ludicrous standards.

Parents always will talk down to you and think they know best. That's just the nature of having parents. Maybe they don't know how to express it properly, but this is called having caring parents.

And you know what? One day they'll be dead. Gone forever. The people that gave you life, brought you up in this world, and made sure you didn't get killed in the process. You want to cut them out for what, because of their views?

Might want a perspective check here.

How exactly are they holding you back? Do you live at home? If anyone in this world is holding you back, it's more likely your problem rather than theirs.

Great post, thedude3737. Really not much more to say.

Yeah, you've pretty much got to stick it out with your family for better or worse. The fact that they wouldn't be the people you would choose to associate with given a choice is completely irrelevant, since there is no such choice on either side.

Something that one often sees on "progressive" boards, say, right after Thanksgiving, is a "diary" by some youngish prog/feminist ghoul about how they "just couldn't take it any more" because their "folks" kept prattling on and on about Amerika or the Flying Spaghetti Monster and at one point -- incredibly -- even said something disrespectful about transgendered persons. So they had to leave the table, because this was too fucking much, and they never intend to see or speak to their family again until they change their ways and respect them enough to serve a fully vegan Thanksgiving meal. You never want to find yourself a character in one of these stories, whatever the supposed ideology in question.

same old shit, sixes and sevens Shaft...
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#18

Distancing yourself from family members

Realize that the world is an imperfect place. You don't choose your family. They're imperfect products of their experiences. It's outside your power to change them.

Accept what you can change and let go of what you can't change.

"A flower can not remain in bloom for years, but a garden can be cultivated to bloom throughout seasons and years." - xsplat
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#19

Distancing yourself from family members

I'm giving Frenchie the benefit of the doubt. I am thinking he's calculated (since he uses the word "value") that if he wouldn't choose to associate with these people if they weren't forced on him, that excluding them is better than the negative things they bring into his life.

I have been going through the same thing with my parents for years. My father is a supreme hypocritical omega who's had 4 marriages and has essentially been married his whole adult life. He's had to pay so much money to women over these failed marriages and suffered their emasculating abuse and yet keeps going back for more.

At the same time, he's so incredibly insecure, that anything that even remotely sounds like criticism has him losing his shit. Even broaching the subject of "you know dad, when someone says something, that doesn't mean they're attacking you" is perceived as an attack and it's shit losing time.

As adults I tried talking to him about the things he's does presently that's really messed up, he couldn't do me the courtesy of not rolling his eyes or scoffing everytime I said something. Absolutely zero progress made. We didn't speak for years afterwards.

My mother on the other hand, while she used to be extremely blue pill and I can totally relate to the OP's mother, has become very red pill over the last few years. We are closer than ever and it's nice. On occasion I get frustrated with her but she really does get my back.

Just recently I was home and after having a great visit with my mother and stepfather, I went and saw my father. I realized that every time I see him something terrible happens and I get blamed.

The biggest source of conflict is because of my brother. To give you an example of how fucked up the situation is, my bother carried on an affair for over a year while his unattractive fat wife and kid were thrown in my face as an example of how a responsible adult should behave. My brother get's caught and even though I've seen him perhaps 6 or 7 times over the last SEVENTEEN years, he blames me and my lifestyle as reasons he "strayed". He's seeing a therapist to work through his "issues" that growing up with me as a brother is sure to cause.

I've decided that I never want to talk to any of them again. If my father died I don't even know if I'd attend his funeral.
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#20

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 11:09 AM)frenchie Wrote:  

Thankfully given the circumstances, my life wasn't that bad growing up.

I honestly thought you were going to say that your mum drinks too much or is verbally abusive or emotionally manipulative. It sounds like she is your average mum who means well but you just don't agree with her.

That isn't a reason to cut her off. It sounds like they live in the same town as you? I think you can agree to give your family some time, if she invites you to her house for dinner and you don't have other plans- you go.

If she says something you disagree with, you can just say "I guess we will just have to agree to disagree again." You can makes your point in a rational, articulate statement instead of saying "you are so wrong and don't know anything".

As for your mother's friend's daughter and going to stay local instead of USC(which is a private school by the way and not cheap similar to going to Virginia and paying out of state fees), that isn't your problem. Unfriend them on facebook and ignore them instead of trolling them. Or just ignore them without unfriending them.



Quote:Quote:

This was mostly an irrational break down by me. I don't care, because the intention was mostly to dispense hate.

I don't get why you hate your mother or her boyfriend. If anything it sounds like he would have some cool stories. Are you saying he was wrong to bang a lot of women in the 60s and 70s?


Quote:Quote:

The point of all of this was to burn bridges. They weren't adding value to my life, would call me for my "advice", and would subsequently not take it. I got fed up with it and told them all to "go f*ck themselves".


I called them all out equally. Either way, they're all a considerable distance from me.

I don't understand any of this at all. Up until reading that you are far from all of them geographically, I thought you all lived in the same town, but if not, then it is pretty much a moot point. not much you could do for any of them if they are in a different state. If they call you for your advice and they don't listen and fuck up, just say "next time listen when I give you awesome advice". But it sounds like you cut off contact anyways.

one last thing, you are culturally french correct? Generally french people can talk to each other while being very up front. Americans call the french rude but I think only if you measure their social interactions by our standards. I tried to keep all of that in mind while reading your story and the way you were dealing with your family, and I still don't get why you bothered to do any of that(cut off your mum). That relationship can probably be repaired anyways- as for your mum's friend and her kids-probably not, who cares? You are out of their lives anyways
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#21

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 04:15 PM)Caligula Wrote:  

Realize that the world is an imperfect place. You don't choose your family. They're imperfect products of their experiences. It's outside your power to change them.

Accept what you can change and let go of what you can't change.

This right here.

I was kicked out of my house several times and ran away a couple times too. I always wound up back there and hugged it out with my mom.

My dad was distant and absent for most of my life. To this day he drives me up the wall.

If your parents drive you that crazy, try creating some more distance, but don't cut them out. I think you'll regret it.

When my sister and I were hiking up this hill to spread my mom's ashes, my sister broke down in tears along the way saying, "I'm still angry at her." My sister is 4 years older than me and took care of me when my mom would come home loaded. I don't remember that but my sister does.

Thing is, is I cleared the air with my mom before she died. My sister never did, and now she never will.

I think family is one place where you should do whatever you can to love them unconditionally. I agree that they're often not people you would associate yourself with if you weren't related, but that's not what love is about. Family love is about bloodline, ancestry, about being a tribe.

I couldn't wait to move out when I was 18. And every year since then I love my family more. My mom had me when she was 23. I'm 32 now and I still can't fathom having kids. She was far from a perfect parent but fuck, she raised me in her 20s while holding down a job and keeping a decent household. I don't even remember most of my 20s and couldn't pay my rent most of the time. She did a pretty good job.

You may not feel the love from certain members of your family, but I'd be willing to bet that it's there. Ignore the peripheral bullshit and just accept it for what it is.

"...so I gave her an STD, and she STILL wanted to bang me."

TEAM NO APPS

TEAM PINK
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#22

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 11:14 AM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

And you know what? One day they'll be dead. Gone forever. The people that gave you life, brought you up in this world, and made sure you didn't get killed in the process. You want to cut them out for what, because of their views?
One day you will be dead too, gone forever, you only have one life to live i hope you dont waste it being a martyr for someone else's principle, and its not like parents always want whats best for you, sometimes and i know this can be a surprise to you guys who had good families, but sometimes parents can be fucking selfish and really dont want you to be succesfull at any cost.
Ive seen many cases or brothers and sisters fighting each other for the inheritance whle their parents are still in their death bed. Petty parents throwing teenager kids out on the streets just for doing kid stuff.

All you need to do to become a father is get horny for a girl and fuck her raw, that doesnt instantly make you able to raise a child properly and it doesnt give you the ability to decide whats best or not for them, if thats what a person looks for in a childern then they should get a pet instead of a fully rational independent person.

OP sometimes family members cross the line of forgiveness just like friends do, sure you can forgive them but its never the same, you hold resentment inside of you for years and for what? Ultimately you have to decide if its worth it for you.
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#23

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-24-2013 12:31 PM)houston Wrote:  

I cut my dad off a long time ago when i found out he was beta and blue pill for not cheating on my mom. Same thing with my mom for being a slut and having me before marriage.

Your mom loves you so much that she gave you alpha genes! You gotta appreciate that!

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#24

Distancing yourself from family members

May I hijack this thread? I'd like to get some advice on how to deal with... hmm passive/agressive parents?
For example, I have the feeling they almost always talk in a sarcastic way with me. They often make fun of the things I enjoy or try to talk me out of it.
Example: I'm getting in great shape. I go to the gym.
Before the gym, I was a little blob. Of course I was too fat.
Now I go to the gym. -> Why do you go to the gym all the time? Waste of time!
The ask me about some plans, I tell them. Then they immediately forget. I stop telling them abut plans, they complain I don't tell them anything anymore.
Sometimes I go nuts and start to yell because of all this bullshit.
Any hints how to deal with this to smooth things out? I don't want to stop communicating.
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#25

Distancing yourself from family members

Quote: (09-25-2013 05:32 AM)not-a-pua Wrote:  

Why do you go to the gym all the time? Waste of time!

1. Are you done?
2. Call the cops...
3. Your point being?

Quote: (09-25-2013 05:32 AM)not-a-pua Wrote:  

The ask me about some plans, I tell them. Then they immediately forget. I stop telling them abut plans, they complain I don't tell them anything anymore.

1. Are you done?
2. Call the cops...
3. Don't worry, I'll write you a 99-page essay next time about how I'm gonna take a shit

etc. etc. etc.
Basically, give off the vibe of "I don't have time for this bullshit/I'm too old for this shit". They will complain (they always do) but they will get the point after a few times.

Check out my thread Essential android tools for modern players and alphas to find out how to make your android phone your wingman, or click here and scroll down if you only need to root it.


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