I just watched How to hold a conversation like a man, by Nick Sparks. I'm unfamiliar with him but it was very good. It's nearly an hour long. I took notes and figured I would share them with you guys.
He starts off with the disclaimer that body language, eye contact, and facial expressions are far more important than conversation and should be improved first. Once that has been handled, it's time to learn how to converse.
1) Get her talking as much as possible.
2) Make her feel good about it.
This is because the male function is to build things. We build skyscrapers, aqueducts, steam ships, computers and international space stations. Therefore, the masculine role is to build the foundation of the conversation. Meanwhile, a woman's role is to try to be at the center of attention. This is because women live within the civilizations that men build. Very Red Pill stuff.
To build that foundation, you need 3 things:
1. Ask questions
2. Teach her how to be present
3. Be fully present yourself
1. Ask questions
The main message he reiterates throughout the video is to be very interested in the other person. This is the most important point that will make you into a great conversationalist. Therefore, his bread and butter is to start a conversation with a question, which shows empathy and concern. His 3 favorites are: Hey, how's it going? What are you guys up to? So, where you from?
Instead of just talking about yourself, be genuinely interested in her. This is important because a lot of guys go up and start trying to figure out what to say to game her, when they should just STFU and listen. Chicks can tell when you're trying to game them, and simply planning your next move like a social robot, and it turns them off.
2. Teach her how to be present
It's good to ask questions at first but then you should stop. Make statements instead, because asking too many questions turns you into an interviewer. Also, she needs to invest to prove she's equally interested in talking to you.
Often, once you stop asking questions there will be a silence in the conversation. It's extremely important that once you've been talking for a while, you let her be the one to break the silence. Don't hide it at all. Give her a look that says, "Well? Aren't you going to say something? Or ask me something back?" Raise your eyebrows, shrug, motion to her as if you're handing her the spotlight, etc. If she fails this test it's a bad sign. He likes to give women 2-3 chances, and if they consistently fail to be the one to break the lull then they have low interest and you should leave (more on that later).
3. Be fully present yourself
Make her feel like you're really listening, instead of just waiting for your turn to talk. Don't just search for keywords to use as ideas while ignoring the rest of what she's saying. They can tell, and it turns them off. Instead, genuinely care about what she's saying as a human being. Figure out a way to look at her and find her genuinely fascinating.
Be like a child, who listens with no agenda. You know how when you tell a child a story, they're completely enchanted? Kids feel stories so intensely, they jump up in surprise when you say, "And then there was a monster!" They gasp, and shit their pants. He calls this the "Overly Empathetic Child," and you literally cannot overdo this. There is no such thing as too much. When a woman can feel that a man is truly paying attention to her, she gets extremely turned on.
He has another technique called "Buffering." It's when you say things like: Really? Is that right? Huh. That's so interesting! This one you don't want to overdo though.
Ultimately, being present has two parts:
1. Relate: What your own personal experiences have in common with hers.
2. Personalize: How she personally felt during a story. Her personal experience. "How did that feel? Did it hurt? How did you react?" etc.
He also suggests that you "follow the trail of breadcrumbs." This means that most of the time, women are hinting at what they want to talk about next. For example, they'll say "it was a good thing but then stuff happened." Duh. Ask her what "stuff" she's referring to. Then follow that. You don't need to pick something she said and filter out the rest. Take it all in and she will talk about what she wants. This is what makes you an excellent conversationalist.
Simple conversational techniques for escalation:
Playfully challenge them. "No way, you never did that, you're such a liar!"
Playfully disagreeing. "What do you mean you hate it? That's my favorite! Nah, just kidding."
You're [blank]. Use their adjectives back at them. Examples: That's hot. "You're hot." That's stupid. "You're stupid." Etc.
Faux-mance (fake+romance): "OMG that's the hottest, sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life. You're such a diva."
Playful disinterest: "Ugh, that's the worst. Gross. That's horrible." You can even push her away a little, get physical in the process.
If it doesn't work out with the girl, you should do "the warm goodbye." You say, "I gotta get back to my friends, but it's been fun. I've enjoyed talking to you, enjoy the rest of the night, cheers." Basically, you're the one terminating the convo, and it's done in a positive way. This accomplishes 3 things:
First, the door might reopen later. She might realize how hot you are compared to all the other guys there who suck at conversing.
Second, all the other women are watching. If you control the frame, you can leave looking like a boss, and those girls end up looking like ice queens.
Third, you're ending it on your terms. I'm saying goodbye to you. So barring a total blowout, you can't really be rejected.
Don't: try to impress her, show an agenda, awkwardly fill in silences, avoid eye contact or being close to her or touching her.
He starts off with the disclaimer that body language, eye contact, and facial expressions are far more important than conversation and should be improved first. Once that has been handled, it's time to learn how to converse.
Part One
When you start a conversation with a girl, you have two jobs:1) Get her talking as much as possible.
2) Make her feel good about it.
This is because the male function is to build things. We build skyscrapers, aqueducts, steam ships, computers and international space stations. Therefore, the masculine role is to build the foundation of the conversation. Meanwhile, a woman's role is to try to be at the center of attention. This is because women live within the civilizations that men build. Very Red Pill stuff.
To build that foundation, you need 3 things:
1. Ask questions
2. Teach her how to be present
3. Be fully present yourself
1. Ask questions
The main message he reiterates throughout the video is to be very interested in the other person. This is the most important point that will make you into a great conversationalist. Therefore, his bread and butter is to start a conversation with a question, which shows empathy and concern. His 3 favorites are: Hey, how's it going? What are you guys up to? So, where you from?
Instead of just talking about yourself, be genuinely interested in her. This is important because a lot of guys go up and start trying to figure out what to say to game her, when they should just STFU and listen. Chicks can tell when you're trying to game them, and simply planning your next move like a social robot, and it turns them off.
2. Teach her how to be present
It's good to ask questions at first but then you should stop. Make statements instead, because asking too many questions turns you into an interviewer. Also, she needs to invest to prove she's equally interested in talking to you.
Often, once you stop asking questions there will be a silence in the conversation. It's extremely important that once you've been talking for a while, you let her be the one to break the silence. Don't hide it at all. Give her a look that says, "Well? Aren't you going to say something? Or ask me something back?" Raise your eyebrows, shrug, motion to her as if you're handing her the spotlight, etc. If she fails this test it's a bad sign. He likes to give women 2-3 chances, and if they consistently fail to be the one to break the lull then they have low interest and you should leave (more on that later).
3. Be fully present yourself
Make her feel like you're really listening, instead of just waiting for your turn to talk. Don't just search for keywords to use as ideas while ignoring the rest of what she's saying. They can tell, and it turns them off. Instead, genuinely care about what she's saying as a human being. Figure out a way to look at her and find her genuinely fascinating.
Be like a child, who listens with no agenda. You know how when you tell a child a story, they're completely enchanted? Kids feel stories so intensely, they jump up in surprise when you say, "And then there was a monster!" They gasp, and shit their pants. He calls this the "Overly Empathetic Child," and you literally cannot overdo this. There is no such thing as too much. When a woman can feel that a man is truly paying attention to her, she gets extremely turned on.
He has another technique called "Buffering." It's when you say things like: Really? Is that right? Huh. That's so interesting! This one you don't want to overdo though.
Ultimately, being present has two parts:
1. Relate: What your own personal experiences have in common with hers.
2. Personalize: How she personally felt during a story. Her personal experience. "How did that feel? Did it hurt? How did you react?" etc.
He also suggests that you "follow the trail of breadcrumbs." This means that most of the time, women are hinting at what they want to talk about next. For example, they'll say "it was a good thing but then stuff happened." Duh. Ask her what "stuff" she's referring to. Then follow that. You don't need to pick something she said and filter out the rest. Take it all in and she will talk about what she wants. This is what makes you an excellent conversationalist.
Part Two
You should know when things are going well: she gives you intense eye contact, fills in the conversational gaps, genuinely smiles at you, and orients her body towards you. Once these are happening, and the conversation is flowing, you need to give her validation for talking to you. This happens by giving her sexual interest. You must reward her with sexual interest or she will leave. Even if she's not looking to hook up, at the very least she wants to flirt, so this is always necessary. Look at her, touch her, get close to her, and say things that display sexual interest. Simple conversational techniques for escalation:
Playfully challenge them. "No way, you never did that, you're such a liar!"
Playfully disagreeing. "What do you mean you hate it? That's my favorite! Nah, just kidding."
You're [blank]. Use their adjectives back at them. Examples: That's hot. "You're hot." That's stupid. "You're stupid." Etc.
Faux-mance (fake+romance): "OMG that's the hottest, sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life. You're such a diva."
Playful disinterest: "Ugh, that's the worst. Gross. That's horrible." You can even push her away a little, get physical in the process.
If it doesn't work out with the girl, you should do "the warm goodbye." You say, "I gotta get back to my friends, but it's been fun. I've enjoyed talking to you, enjoy the rest of the night, cheers." Basically, you're the one terminating the convo, and it's done in a positive way. This accomplishes 3 things:
First, the door might reopen later. She might realize how hot you are compared to all the other guys there who suck at conversing.
Second, all the other women are watching. If you control the frame, you can leave looking like a boss, and those girls end up looking like ice queens.
Third, you're ending it on your terms. I'm saying goodbye to you. So barring a total blowout, you can't really be rejected.
Summary:
Do: actually listen, be present, make her fill in gaps, reward her with sexual escalation.Don't: try to impress her, show an agenda, awkwardly fill in silences, avoid eye contact or being close to her or touching her.
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