[Benoit]

Interesting article by Steve Pavlina about relationships
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2013/07...-partners/

It actually covers a lot of similar ground to the advice on this forum, Steve himself is a hippyish vegan, but still comes up with good advice.

He initially posted this:

Quote:

To attract a happy relationship, define what you want in a partner, tell the whole world, and then filter and select for matches.

and got a reply from "Bettina"

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I have clearly defined what I want, the world knows, and still I don’t need to figure out to fiter because there’s nothing to filter. And that’s going on for 9 years now. And it sucks and I’ve had enough of it.

Just because I’m a single mom and plenty of my life has to be devoted to bringing up that little guy doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be without a date. Alas, something’s wrong with my attraction calibration or something and I have no clue what.

This is where it gets good, he performs a graceful act of hamster demolition using her as an example

Quote:

Does the World Actually Know What You Want?

First she mentions that the world knows what she wants. Does it? Is this true?

I’m apparently in her world, at least via social media, but I don’t know what she wants in a partner. Maybe she didn’t tell me the details. Maybe she told me at some point and I forgot. But whatever the reason, I must admit that I don’t have a clear idea of what kind of partner she’s looking for. And so I’m unable to refer any potential matches to her even if I wanted to. If I stumbled upon the most perfect match for her, I wouldn’t be able to connect them because I don’t know enough to recognize a potential match.

Another issue is that she might tell me what she wants, but she might tell me in such a vague and fuzzy way that it could match on just about anyone, and so that also wouldn’t be enough to go on. If she wants a guy who’s nice, kind, friendly, and successful, I’m not going to be able to do much for her since those qualities are way too general. I’ll conclude that she doesn’t really know what she wants, and so I wouldn’t want to waste someone else’s time by trying to match them with her.

Quote:

If I visit Bettina’s Google+ page, her self-description is mainly about her work. That’s fine if she’s looking for work clients, but at the time of this writing, there’s no mention of her desire for a relationship partner that I can see, nor any mention of what she wants in a partner. If this is an important desire for her, why not include it? Is that being too needy? I don’t think so. Don’t think of it as asking for a favor. Think of it as offering an invitation to the right person.

He provides an excellent question to ask the people close to you:

Quote:

A good test to see if “the world” actually knows what you desire is to ask many of the people in your life what they think you want. Make your request very open-ended, such as by saying, “Out of curiosity, based on what you know about me, what do you think I want most in life right now… specifically?” See if they even mention wanting a relationship partner, and if so, what qualities they’re able to list. This is a nice way to test if your assumptions about what you think people know about you are accurate.

Does the following advice sound familiar?

Quote:

We have a tendency to be timid in asking for what we want, often due to some shame, fear, and guilt about our desires, but holding back in this way doesn’t serve us. Do your best to invite your desires openly — shamelessly, fearlessly, and guiltlessly. Make it easy for potential matches to recognize you as their potential match.

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With a haphazard approach to socializing, I’ll expend a lot of time and energy meeting people with whom I have little in common. The result for me is social boredom. [...] I put myself in situations where I can rationally expect to find a greater abundance of quality matches.

Heh. "Connecting".

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I know of one guy who set up 3 dates every night, spaced at 2 hours intervals, so he could meet a lot of different women and practice connecting with them in different ways. I think he even did this for months.

A final quote that's an elegant way of making the point "What do you bring to the table, cupcake?"

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What would a potential partner like about you? What would s/he find attractive about you?

When you give these questions some thought, you may realize that you have to modify what you’re asking for.

if you’re overweight, then you can either include as part of your desires that you want a partner who finds overweight people attractive [or] you’ll need to lose weight in order to feel deserving of [someone who's not a chubby-chaser]

[Benoit]

Forum members may also find another article of his useful: How to Invite Cuddling Without Inviting Sex

[DLZ]

Steve Pavlina's website is pretty dope. Lots of great productivity advice. His emphasis on rising early is gold.

[eradicator]

Also, bettina has already hit the wall, and cut her hair really short to boot.

[Benoit]

(07-17-2013 03:08 PM)master_thespian Wrote:  

Also, bettina has already hit the wall, and cut her hair really short to boot.

I didn't even bother looking her up when I read the article. Just did. Wish I hadn't.

[pegador]

I think Steve Pavlina is divorced... not sure how solid his relationship advice is. Still, I used to read parts of his blog back in the day, especially the posts about passive income and making money online. He's a bit long-winded but gives good business ideas...

[Handsome Creepy Eel]

(07-17-2013 09:54 AM)crippler Wrote:  

Forum members may also find another article of his useful: How to Invite Cuddling Without Inviting Sex

I appreciate many of Steve Pavlina's thoughts in general, but I thought this article was really bad. Droning off instructions about what cuddling means and how it is not an invitation to sex is boring and mechanical, almost the stuff of Lena Dunham stories. I can't see any man being intrigued by that or a woman doing it without coming across like an aspie.

Simpler solution: if a woman wants to cuddle without it potentially leading to sex, she should seek out those men who are happy with just cuddling because they don't get much cuddling (let alone sex) in general. Trust me, there are plenty of them. Of course, dating Betas isn't on most women's menus, but that's their own problem.

As always, giving quality advice to women must be about their priorities, not their techniques. There is no game for women and, if there is, 80% of it is just choosing the right guy instead of blindly following the hamster.

[TheKantian]

Nearly all self help gurus are scammers.

Plus it's hard to take someone seriously who believes in the law of attraction.

I also remember a while ago he was criticized for a post where he came out and pretty much said he wanted slaves because employees are too much of a hassle with wages, safe work requirements, etc.

Seriously, don't get sucked into the self help cult.