rooshvforum.network is a fully functional forum: you can search, register, post new threads etc...
Old accounts are inaccessible: register a new one, or recover it when possible. x


The Anti-Joke Thread
#1

The Anti-Joke Thread

For anyone that doesn't know what an anti joke is, it's basically a question or story set up to lure readers/listeners into expecting a punch line which is never delivered, and is often replaced with something very shocking, or completely mundane.

I'll get us started

-

What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
Mass genocide

-

An Irish, an American, and a Chinese man all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

-

A young man starts reading some pickup advice and learns that being in shape is important, so he starts running and doing situps. He spends a year or so doing this routine, but his situps are done with horrible form. His form is so bad, that only the right side of his abdomen is being worked out. So now, whenever he takes his shirt off in front of a group of people, everyone notices that the right side of his abs are well defined, while the left side is relatively flabby. The question is, do his friends call him "righty" because of the abs on his right side, or "lefty" because of his unflattering left side?

Neither. They continue to call him tree-head because he has a 10 foot tree growing out of his head.

-

A farmer had a decent racing horse that one day had twins. He called the twins Edward and Tobias. The colts were incredibly healthy and competitive, from a young age they would run together. Whenever the farmer would lay out some new hay or corn feed, the two colts would race, pushing each other as hard as they could to see who would win. Tobias always won, but it was always a close race. The farmer, noticing how competitive they were, decided to enter them in a racing competition.

Their first race both horses were very excited. Ed said to Tobias “Good luck, may the best horse win.” Tobias responded “Same to you, let’s beat these other guys!”

Well the race started and Tobias and Edward took off, taking an early lead. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. The other horses were completely destroyed in comparison.

“Good race!” Edward told Tobias, and Tobias agreed.

The farmer realized that he had made bank, that somehow he found two golden tickets. He entered the horses into many other local competitions and every time his horses would destroy the other horses. It always ended with Tobias barely beating Edward.

Eventually the two horses found themselves in a larger arena. They were at the state fair. Edward turned to Tobias and said “I’ll get you this time!” Tobias responded “Meh, I don’t actually care if you or I win, so long as we beat these other idiots!” Another horse snorts Edward said, “Good luck!” Tobias responded “You have good luck too!”

The race started and Tobias and Edward took out of the gates. It was a tough race; the other horses were able to keep up with Edward and Tobias for the first lap. But the two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had a lead over the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win.

Panting, Edward congratulated Tobias.

A few years went by and now Edward and Tobias were professional race horses. Their competition put them in the spot light of many the newspaper. Ever was Tobias the main headline though. Even as they got older, Tobias would always beat Edward.

One day they found themselves in the Kentucky Derby. In the starting gates, Edward turned to Tobias and said “I will get you this time, I know it! This is the race, here, in front of all these people.” Tobias responded “We’ll see brother, first we have to beat these other horses. None of them are poor runners either.” “Agreed,” Edward responded, “But it would be nice to beat you just once.” “You’ve always been the one who pushed me so hard.” Tobias responded. Edward said back, “And you’re the reason I’ve always worked so hard too.” Another horse vomited in its starting gate.

The gun went off, the gates opened up. Tobias and Edward took off. They were trailing the leaders, but didn’t seem to mind, they were in their own world. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had caught up with the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. It finished with Tobias in first and Edward a very, very close second with another horse right behind him. It was such a close race it came down to verifying with a photograph. Edward turned to Tobias, “I can’t believe you beat me, I tried so hard. Still, we just won the Kentucky Derby!!”

Years later, after living luxurious lives where they were pampered by the farmer who found them and long after they were retired, Tobias turned to Edward and said. “Do you want to have one final race, for old time’s sake?” Edward responded, “I never could beat you, I always wanted to have a chance to do so, just to know what it feels like to win.” Tobias said “Tell you what, why don’t we have a race? Just like back when we were colts; let’s run to that feed mill over there and back to this fence three times.” Edward said “I don’t think I could take loosing again, after all this time, coming in second. I don’t know if I would want to live after another loss. I don’t have that much life in me any more.” Tobias said, “Tell you what, if it comes down to it, if it is really close, I’ll let you win. Just so you can know what it feels like. Yeah, it won’t be ‘real’ but you’ll get to know.” Edward agreed.

“Ready, set, GO!” And both horses were off. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. It was almost as though the two old horses had the vitality of their youth again. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead again. On the third and final lap, close to finish, Edward was leading. It looked like he had the race in the bag. But suddenly Tobias seemed to get another final wind and he pushed ahead. He beat Edward. Tobias started prancing, victoriously, Edward, his soul crushed, lay down on the ground.

The old farmer’s dog, who had known both horses since their infancy, came up to Tobias and said, “Tobias, why would you do that? Why would you crush your brother’s hopes and dreams like that? There was nothing riding on this race, no point. Why? Why? Why would you do that?”

Upon hearing the dog, Edward stood up, he looked at his brother and said “Holy Shit, Toby, a talking dog!”
Reply
#2

The Anti-Joke Thread

I like my coffee how I like my women, without a penis.
Reply
#3

The Anti-Joke Thread

did you hear about the feminist with a sense of humour?
Reply
#4

The Anti-Joke Thread

No
Reply
#5

The Anti-Joke Thread

This one is a classic.

Two bears are taking a bath in the tub. One bear says to the other, "Pass the soap." The second bears turns and says, "No soap, radio."
Reply
#6

The Anti-Joke Thread

A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired" Everyone laughed. The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone. He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.

-

There once was a man who loved the circus.

He loved watching the elephants when they paraded into the tent, and they were coaxed to stand up on their hind legs, balance atop of giant balls, trumpet on command.

He loved the lion tamers. He loved watching these enormous beasts leap about and stand upon large stools all at the behest of a man with a small whip and a chair. Heck, the man even would put his head in a lions mouth, and he;d never get bit.

He loved the acrobats as they cavorted around the ring and leaped from swing to swing daring gravity to take them to their deaths.

He loved the circus.

One day he saw the circus was in town. And boy was he excited. He immediately purchased a ticket for the first show and though all about how much he loved the circus.

He loved watching the high dive act. How could one man jump from such high a place only to land in a tiny pool of water without hurting himself? Amazing!

He loved the horse riders as they sped around the ring at breakneck speed. They would stand in the saddle or hang on by only a foot and lean precariously off the horse. Unbelieveable.

Well finally the day came. He woke up at the crack o dawn and hopped a bus to the circus. They didn't open until 10, so he had several hours to wait, but he NEEDED to get the perfect seat.

He sat in front of the gates waiting those long hours until finally the performers awakened, took their showers, did their morning exercises, and began to practice. He quickly closed his eyes so as not to spoil the performances. FINALLY, the ticket taker came out and took his ticket and he went inside the tent and sat down, front row center. The BEST seat in the house. He waited a few more hours as more and more people filled the tent. This was going to be a good show.

The lights went down and a single spot light lit the center ring. The funny man in the hat came out and spoke, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..." and began to welcome the crowd. The circus loving man was giddy as a schoolgirl, crying and laughing and clapping with such ferocity, he never heard the rest of the introduction.

The elephants came out and they paraded into the tent, and they were coaxed to stand up on their hind legs, balance atop of giant balls, trumpet on command.

The lion tamers came next. He watched these enormous beasts leap about and stand upon large stools all at the behest of a man with a small whip and a chair. Heck, the man even would put his head in a lions mouth, and he never got bit!

The acrobats cavorted around the ring and leaped from swing to swing daring gravity to take them to their deaths.

There was the high dive act. How could one man jump from such high a place only to land in a tiny pool of water without hurting himself? Amazing!

The horse riders sped around the ring at breakneck speed. They stood in the saddle and hung on by only a foot and leaned precariously off the horse. Unbelieveable!

Then came the clowns...he hated clowns. He forgot about the clowns.

One clown saw the man sitting front row center and singled him out. The terrible clown, went to shake his hand. Grudingly the man grabbed the clowns hand to shake it...but the hand came off! It was fake! The crowd laughed. The evil clown then brought out three cream pies and began to juggle. The crowd "Ooo"ed at the stunt...then that clown mashed all three pies into the mans face. The crowd hooted with glee! The clown then produced a lovely bouquet of flowers. He sniffed them mightly and make a huge smile. He then encouraged the man to sniff the flowers...and a stream of water squirted into his face! The crowd howled for more. The circus loving man left in tears. He missed all the other shows that week he was so depressed. He never left his bed and cried nonstop.

Then suddenly, he had an idea. He was going to get that clown. He was going to teach that damnned clown a lesson. All he had to do was wait. He knew that circus well, it would come around in another 5 years or so.

So the man waited and waited...and plotted his revenge. The clown would pay.

Eventually 7 years later, that same circus returned. The man imediately bought his ticket for the first show and cackled in glee when he thought of the clown's possible reactions.

Well finally the day came. He woke up at the crack o dawn and hopped a bus to the circus. They didn't open until 10, so he had several hours to wait, but he NEEDED to get the perfect seat...he NEEDED to make that clown pay.

He sat in front of the gates waiting those long hours until finally the performers awakened, took their showers, did their morning exercises, and began to practice. He remembered how much he lovbed the circus and figured he might as well enjoy the show too.
He quickly closed his eyes so as not to spoil the performances.
FINALLY, the ticket taker came out and took his ticket and he went inside the tent and sat down, front row center. The BEST seat in the house. He waited a few more hours as more and more people filled the tent. This was going to be a good show...and COLD REVENGE.

The lights went down and a single spot light lit the center ring. The funny man in the hat came out and spoke, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..." and began to welcome the crowd. The circus loving man laughed like a maniac when he once again thought of the clown and what he was going to do. He was laughing and clapping with such ferocity, he never heard the rest of the introduction.

The elephants came out and they paraded into the tent, and they were coaxed to stand up on their hind legs, balance atop of giant balls, trumpet on command.

The lion tamers came next. He watched these enormous beasts leap about and stand upon large stools all at the behest of a man with a small whip and a chair. Heck, the man even would put his head in a lions mouth, and he never got bit!

The acrobats cavorted around the ring and leaped from swing to swing daring gravity to take them to their deaths.

There was the high dive act. How could one man jump from such high a place only to land in a tiny pool of water without hurting himself? Amazing!

The horse riders sped around the ring at breakneck speed. They stood in the saddle and hung on by only a foot and leaned precariously off the horse. Unbelieveable!

Then came the clowns. He hated clowns. But sure enough, he saw the very clown he was after.

That same clown saw the man sitting front row center and a glint of recognition shone in his eye. The clown singled him out.

The terrible clown, went to shake his hand. Once again, grudingly the man grabbed the clowns hand to shake it...but the hand came off! It was fake! The crowd laughed. The man only smiled grimly.

The evil clown then brought out three cream pies and began to juggle. The man waited. The crowd "Ooo"ed at the stunt...then that clown mashed all three pies into the mans face. The crowd hooted with glee! The man just wiped his face patiently.

The clown then produced a lovely bouquet of flowers. He sniffed them mightly and make a huge smile. He then encouraged the man to sniff the flowers...and a stream of water squirted into his face! The crowd howled for more. The man was non-chalant.

The circus loving man, then stood up slowly in front of the clown. The crowd went silent, wondering what was about to happen.
The man took a step forward, pointed his finger into the clowns face...and yelled:

FUCK YOU, CLOWN!
Reply
#7

The Anti-Joke Thread

[Image: tumblr_mctuhjnvsJ1qhk4ito1_400.jpg]

[Image: tumblr_mclat0g31j1qhk4ito1_400.jpg]

[Image: tumblr_matpxcyKaH1qhk4ito1_400.jpg]

[Image: tumblr_m96qj9cBwv1qhk4ito1_400.jpg]

[Image: tumblr_m397y6QBfx1rnbqblo1_400.jpg]

[Image: tumblr_m6z4wt2t3L1qhk4ito1_400.jpg]

[Image: tumblr_m27bjumPrJ1qhk4ito1_400.jpg]

[Image: tumblr_m1o6u88wce1qhk4ito1_400.jpg]

[Image: tumblr_mayw9q4an81qhk4ito1_1280.jpg]

[Image: tumblr_m7gwacDyeV1r9dy4go1_1280.jpg]

Know your enemy and know yourself, find naught in fear for 100 battles. Know yourself but not your enemy, find level of loss and victory. Know thy enemy but not yourself, wallow in defeat every time.
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)