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Fort Collins, CO data sheet
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Fort Collins, CO data sheet

I originally posted this data sheet on my blog but went more for humor rather than usefulness. Read the original here. Fort Collins isn't much of a tourist destination, but if you find yourself in Northern Colorado, drop by and check the place out.

Transportation

Flying into Fort Collins is a huge pain in the ass. The nearest major airport is Denver International Airport, which is roughly an hour’s drive to the southeast and guarded by the ugliest fucking statue known to man. Shuttle services to/from DIA will run roughly $40 and are the easiest and most economical means of transit. You’ll avoid the hassle of parking and getting fucked out of $13 by the Front Range’s only toll road (e-470).

TransFort (Fort Collins’ bus system) is the only method of public transportation and is borderline useless unless you want to ride to the local college campus. The preferred travel method is by bike, since you can easily get from one end of Fort Collins to the other in roughly half an hour by bike on one of the city’s many trail systems or wide roads. Old Town (Fort Collins’ downtown area) is easily, quickly and safely traversed by bike or on foot. Several bike shops (and the city itself) rent bikes by the day. Renting a car is generally unnecessary unless you plan to travel outside of the city or you’re completely fucking lazy/fat.

Lodging

There aren’t any hostels in Fort Collins, so if you’re a broke ass, Couchsurfing.com is a solid bet. Many college students (including some pretty cute girls) are signed up for the service. Hotels are somewhat of a pain in the ass, as most are located either south of campus (The Hilton) or on the far east side of the city near the interstate. Your best bet is the Best Western University Inn located on College & Elizabeth, as this is the closest hotel to downtown. For those with a larger bankroll for a classy room and awesome logistics, The Armstrong Hotel is located in the middle of Old Town, but will run around $200 per night. As far as I’m aware, private apartments are almost nonexistent, as most housing is leased by the year due to the large amount of college students populating Fort Collins.

Food

Fort Collins has a ton of restaurants. A friend of mine writes the best food critic blog in town. Check it out here.

Nightlife

Suburban Fort Collins is packed with shitty neighborhood bars, so Old Town is definitely the place to be. 90% of the city’s noteworthy food and nightlife establishments are located downtown, so don’t even bother with other areas when it comes to nightlife. Fort Collins is a college town and most bars cater to college students. The great news is that this means low prices for food and alcohol. Here’s a breakdown of the best and worst bars in Old Town:

Trailhead Tavern - There is very little chance of ever seeing a decent looking girl, let alone talking to her at this bar. The horrible girl/guy ratios at the Trailhead ensure that every female above a 4 is surrounded by a brigade of least ten guys and one lesbian. Lots of hippies and bums (indistinguishable from one another) mean a constant miasma of body odor and patchouli oil. The only saving grace to this funk dungeon is that every once in a blue moon you’ll hear Iron Maiden on the jukebox. Skip this place unless you're really into hippie/"outdoorsy" girls.

Steakout Saloon - Basically the same bar as (and located next door to) the Trailhead, but with fewer dirty hippies and better looking girls. A horrible traffic bottleneck always occurs upstairs, making drinks difficult to get. Head to the basement during busy times and school some drunk fucks at shuffleboard. Steakout is a good place to finish out the night since it seems like their last call is a bit later than most bars.

Bondi Beach Bar - Formerly known as Zydeco’s, Bondi is the nexus for douchebag bullshit in Old Town. This place sucks dick. The music is awful, there’s a ton of competition for cute girls, the lines are always a mile long and there are fat chicks dancing on the bar. Skip this place unless you’re looking for a “club” environment.

Luscious Nectar - This is the place to go for booze smoothies. You’ll see a fair amount of cute girls, a small but decent dance floor and apparently the drinks are pretty awesome. It’s a decent hangout, but the line will get crazy later in the night. Definitely worthy but get there early.

Coopersmiths – Their food mostly sucks and the beer gets mixed reactions. However, Coopersmiths has some of the best pool tables in town. It’s hit or miss for girls, mainly because the place is usually fairly empty. Coopersmiths is a decent low-key date venue, but not much of a hangout unless you’re bringing in a big group of friends.

Hodi’s Half Note – Formerly a kick-ass punk venue known as The Starlight until a bunch of rapes and heroin overdoses forced the owners to sell the place, become Hodi’s Half Note and book shitty hippie shows. The crowd varies from night to night depending on who’s playing, but Hodi’s is a ghost town on nights with no music. The drinks/cover charges are expensive and the staff are a bunch of rude, humorless dildos. Avoid this place unless there’s a band you want to see.

The Crown Pub – Are cougars your scene? Then so is the Crown Pub. You’ll regularly see tan lines where the wedding ring used to be while older women are out on the prowl. This place is kind of refreshing as it’s one of the few bars in FTC that doesn’t directly cater to drunken college bullshit. It’s a great venue for dates and there is a healthy population of cute girls, but the Crown Pub isn’t much for socializing since it’s equal parts table and bar seating. There’s also a great patio for watching homeless people harass pedestrians while you eat. Check this place out.

Beach House: Exactly the same as Bondi Beach Bar but with far less people. The only reasons to go are the waitresses. Schwing!

The Rio – Another cougar hotspot, The Rio only stays in business because of their margaritas. The food is so awful that being at least 3/4 hammered is the only way to eat it. Lots of girls, but the Rio is more restaurant than bar, making it difficult to strike up a conversation. It’s also louder than sticking your head inside a lawnmower, so you’ll have to shout to be heard once the place fills up. Start the night here, then bail to a better bar.

Ace Gillette’s - AG’s is Fort Collins’ classiest venue. Ace Gillette’s kicks ass as a date venue and is the only place in town you will fit in if you’re wearing a suit. However, cute girls are somewhat rare and will be with guys. Meeting new people will be difficult since it’s primarily table-based seating. Kinda pricey, but a good starter venue.

Drunken Monkey - The crowd is mainly redneck/Affliction douche. Despite the glaring lack of actual monkeys, this bar has been known to host Girls Gone Wild. You'll see cute girls, but there's a larger population of cougars and fatties. The local college football team hangs out on the porch acting like hot shit even though the CSU Rams have sucked ass for well over a decade. I personally can't stand this place, but if you're looking for a place to dance this is one of the few that Fort Collins offers.

Road 34 – This place actually has the potential to be cool, but a steady stream of shitty bands, overpriced covers and a staff comprised of humorless pricks destroys any hope of making Choad 34 a worthy hangout. A few OK looking and relatively approachable girls don’t outweigh the fact that this place is a total sausage fest overflowing with hipsters and frat boys. On the bright side, everyone here is a college sophomore with a fake ID, so a few humorous anecdotes about dorm life go a long way towards making new friends.

Washington’s – This place attracts a fair amount of cute girls for the basement dancing area mixed with the worst dregs of male nightlife trying to hit on them. Weirdos wait in the shadows of every corner of this bar, waiting to pick off drunken female stragglers like hyenas at a Serengeti water hole. Luckily, there’s certainly plenty of “water buffalo” to choose from! Not my cup of tea, but if you like clouds of Axe Body Spray, this is the bar for you.

East Coast – Located on the northern edge of Old Town, East Coast is strange combination of dive bar, gay bar and “club.” Weekends feature DJ Volume Knob, who slowly cranks up the music to fleet-of-riding-lawnmower levels over the course of the night, requiring cougars and fatties to scream futile 2AM pickup lines in your ear. Also the owner has a sweet 80s ponytail that makes him look like a cheesy villain from Miami Vice. It's totally hit-or-miss here. Sometimes there's a ton of cute girls, sometimes you will be the only person in the bar.

Lucky Joe’s – One of Fort Collins’ most well-known bars, Lucky Joe’s primary benefit is a huge motherfucking barrel filled with free peanuts. The hip place to be for shitty Jack Johnson wannabes with acoustic guitars, Lucky Joe’s often has a long ass line stretching down Old Town Square. Lots of cute girls here on the weekends. Get here early.

Tony’s – Tony’s fucking rules. Cute sorority girls abound, the music is never too loud and you’re almost guaranteed a funny story if you hang out here long enough. I’ve seen the door guys beat the shit out a drunken patron, a fat girl’s vagina and two arrests all in the same night. There's a great rooftop patio. Check this place out, it's my personal favorite.

Surfside 7 – Even though I rag on this place pretty hard because it’s full of ugly hipster girls and smells like a Port-O-Potty, Surfside 7 is pretty much the only bar in town that has a decent jukebox. It’s also the only place in Fort Collins that consistently brings good bands to town, due to their connection with world-class recording studio The Blasting Room. Surfside 7 is a great place to people watch, eat pizza and see The Ataris along with 25 wasted crusty punks on a Tuesday. Go here if you want a low-key dive, but don't expect to see any fuckable girls.

TL;DR version
Start the night at The Rio for strong, cheap margaritas. Transition to Steakout or Trailhead for more cheap booze but bail before it gets busy. Hit up Lucky Joe's once things start to pick up. Once it gets crowded, finish off the night at Tony's.

That should cover pretty much every bar in Old Town. If you have any questions about nightlife, game, logistics or anything else, private message me or hit me up on Twitter. Good luck and fare thee well when partying in Fort Collins!
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