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Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player
#1

Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player

I have used lots of status updates from this list and mostly with great reactions. Don't know if it helps to get laid but it can surely boost your status a bit

I have used the ones with xxx in front. i put them there as a reminder for myself




Never take a girl seriously until after you have sex with her.

Its complicated being me.

Anything for a buck.

has had enough of girls/people who are only beautiful on the outside...

is passionately enjoying this fantastic moment

X accomplished, bring on Y

"Im tired of being seen as a sexual object, Im a human being with emotions, damnit!"

"Is there seriously any girl out there that can keep up?"

XXXX is robbing another bank to pay for his travel expenses.
Look, just because i have A.D.D. Doesnt mean that I .... Hey look a squirell ..

thinks a good woman is hard to find"

is wrong for you anyway

---------Is thinking of a number between 1 and 10, start guessing!

Making the world a little more awesome since 1976

You killed my father! Prepare to die!

is suffering from a major bout of Ataraxia, look it up!

Is bench pressing the world.

just donated blood and needs to check if he can still hold an erection

xxxxx has a mistletoe belt buckle and is looking for a kiss

is standing under the mistletoe.

likes big butts, and he cannot lie.

Xxxx is with your mom. She says hi!"

xxxxxx Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story. You've all seen it: "Today a young man on acid...thought he could fly...jumped out of a building...what a tragedy!" What a dick. He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly why didn't he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don't see birds lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly from the fucking ground. He's an idiot. He's dead. Good! We lost a moron? Fucking celebrate. There's one less moron in the world.

Who’ smart enough to laugh at this one ? : a bear walks into a bar and says 'I'll have a rum and.....coke' the barman says 'why the big pause?' bear responds 'Ive had them all my life'


hears you screamin' but my name ain't hharrderrr..!

xxxxx once visited The Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

just upgraded from awesome to phenomenal

There is a rumour going that pretty people are stupid. I just have one thing to say to that... Yes we are!

loves single Moms
Free DNA samples to qualified applicants! Hurry, they're going fast! (Must be 18, other restrictions apply)

kindly asks you not to touch him because you might burn yourself"

xxxxxx Ask me almost any fucking question and I can almost guarantee you that the answer will be "four girls at one time."

A Man called me a Pussy the other day... My Response, "You are what you eat, I guess."

paid off his car today and can finally afford hookers and blow

likes to sleep in stereo – one girl on the left and one on the right side.

There is a new pirate movie out, its called ARGH.
Xxxxxxx for all the creepy girls adding me as a friend: tell me who you are or prepare to be deleted

.needs to download some new music. suggestions?"

doesn’t drink water because the fish are having sex in it.

Xxxxx Will objectify you. Will have you making me sandwiches. Will kiss and tell. Will have you crying over him while eating ice cream . But don't worry, I will treat the other 20 girls the exact same

xxxxIs a nice one-woman guy

--------is covered in whip cream and has no way of getting it off

thinks futureproof technology is a thing of the past

- xxxxx dip me in chocolate and feed me to the lesbians

is cooler than a polar bears toenail!

xxxx never had a redhead girlfriend, apply here !

xxxxx 's dangling carrot is attracting too many donkeys!!

walked into a room at this party last night and someone yelled "dibs!

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. and Finding nemo is playing on my computer. need answers.

getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.

is now accepting applications for Evil Sidekick.

isn't ignoring people on purpose, he's just busier than a cucumber in a women's prison right now! I'll get back to you soon.

.is going to have a nice, steamy, hot shower, 'cause he smells like beer, bad curry, and good sex.
.is great in bed! I can sleep for hours on end and still go for more

FYI, here's a little known fact : beer does not make you FAT- it makes you LEAN...against tables, chairs, walls and ugly people

is wondering why people think they are invisible when they pick their noses in the car

once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.

's reputation is expanding faster than the universe.

's legend precedes him, like lightning precedes thunder.

Xxxxxxx is a lover not a fighter, but he's also a fighter so don't get any ideas.

A kid threw a rock at me today so I caught it between my pecks and crushed it in an instant...

underestimated himself. I forgot how good I was.

Just tied my penis in a knot and now its stuck

likes to ask librarians, "I'm looking for a book entitled 'How to deal with rejection without killing people'......... do you have it?"

always parties until his pants come off

is Loading ████████████ 99%

relationship advice <#124> If you are walking with your girlfriend and she tells you she is cold, do not offer her your jacket. This will cause her to shiver which will in turn cause her to burn more calories.

Xxxxx has officially changed his named to " Indiana Jones Jr." .. is currently on a quest to decipher the ancient braille code embedded on women's areolas.

“is beating his current record for number of consecutive days alive

wonders how you know when you have run out of invisible ink

has just made the internet eight words longer

is just a soul whose intentions are good

life is too short to dance with fat girls

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

‘s backpackers wisdom : Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Bad decisions make good stories

‘s relationship advice #21- women love football immensely so try & steer the conversation in this direction, she'll be impressed by your thoughtfulness

is thinking life is alot like Super Mario Bros, you gotta slay a few dragons before you get to the princess

‘s relationship advice #87 : When a woman asks you: "Does this dress make me look fat?", look into her eyes, smile and say: "Leave the dress alone, the dress has nothing to do with it." This will show that you are protecting the innocent and she'll also come to admire your honesty.

Relationship advice #34 - When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

Relationship advice #29 - Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

Relationship advice #45 - Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

Relationship advice #12 - When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

Relationship advice 19 - If you’re talking to another girl, make sure your girlfriend is looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "fuck you" and grab the other girl’s ass. Girls love competition.

Relationship advice # 39 - Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

Relationship advice #11 - Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn’t girls?


Relationship advice #14 - If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.


Relationship advice # 23 - Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.


Relationship advice #6 - When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she’s coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one that much, but I think it’s funny.


has a chocolate flavored dick that ejaculates money.

is one in a million not one of the millions

is making $$$$ with his computer, you can too! simply press the shift key and 4 four times!

is gonna go plundering and pillaging

is naked under his clothes

xxxxx is going out tonight , lock up your daughters !

It Isn't cheating unless you get caught

is wondering if Chinese tattoo random English words on their bodies like we do to ours.

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

Over 20 years since the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

They say the camera adds 10lbs......Stop eating fucking cameras!

what is it about being blind, that makes you walk the dog all the time ?

I saw a thing in the paper about animale rights protestors being up in arms because guinea pigs were being used in testing. I thought "well the clue there is in the name, they're not calling them guinea pigs for nothing. Thats what they're for'

I had a cabbie drive me round the other day. He said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss - nobody tells me what to do." I said, "left here!

behind every successful women is a man checking out her ass

has never faked an orgasm , or did I ?

I don't get in many fights.......unless my trainer Jack Daniels is involved.

If you can sue cigarette companies for getting cancer, can I sue Durex for my sore back?

Nobody puts baby in a corner !

Is listening 70 and 80’s music and realizes that everything from the 90’s and 2000’s is STOLEN !

Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god

It's easier to put your cock in a girl's mouth when she says no, than yes.

Ever hear a deaf girl have an orgasm? I did but she didn’t

Last night I dreamt I ate a 5 kg marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Relationship Advice # 55. Hold her hand when you're out in public, unless another beautiful woman is nearby. Just casually let go of her hand because she doesn't want to feel objectified and displayed as some kind of trophy.

Why do girls always wanna know why? Cause I said so should be good enough damnit... I hate explaining everything I say.

Xxxxx The bigger the dreams, the smaller the competition

Doesn't have a garden, but i still keep a hoe around

Relationship Advice # 1: Blowjobs are like flowers for men.

Today, I am going to sit and do NOTHING. I don't see how today could get any better.

A recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men

Good Morning Beautiful

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Describe your sex life with a movie title

is now accepting qualified applicants to help him practice making a baby.
The selection process is random and numerous people with various different skills and expertise are NOW being accepted! Good luck!

If winning was easy, losers could do it. Let’s celebrate the hard times that define us.

needs a good list of some baby making music.

good morning, I see the assassins have failed.

Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy ANYTHING.

Hello. Here are my answers to yesterday's messages, in order of their arrival. Yes 2 of them. Tomorrow at 5pm. Duct tape and piano wire. Tonight's safety word will be banana. No. Thank you

Women will never truly be satisfied on Valentine's Day, for NO man has a chocolate covered penis, wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.

doesnt need to workout he gets enough exercise just pushing his luck

Good Girls bend at the knees, Bad Girls bend at the waist.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die

If only life came with ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF

Is King Charming

My week beats your year.

With my free time and money, I buy socks and sneak into people's houses leaving each person one random sock... and you thought you were missing one...

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today... Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn't mean what I thought it did...

a morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness

Book - Around the World in 80 Girls - The Epic 3 Year Trip of a Backpacking Casanova

My new book Famles - Fables and Fairytales for Men is out now on Amazon.
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#2

Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player

A pox on facebook.
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#3

Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player

Facebook Player.

Pardon my sniggering.
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#4

Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player

I don't use facebook, but I can see how a lot of these would get the female hamster going.
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#5

Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player

I'm laughing at these, but I'm not sure if it's for the right reasons.
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#6

Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player

these are great. Lately I've been reluctant to add FB hamsters but with a few strategically placed updates like these that could be a solid boost.

"...so I gave her an STD, and she STILL wanted to bang me."

TEAM NO APPS

TEAM PINK
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#7

Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player

Quote: (05-02-2012 03:58 PM)Roosh Wrote:  

I don't use facebook, but I can see how a lot of these would get the female hamster going.

Are you not interested in keeping in touch with ex bangs ?

Book - Around the World in 80 Girls - The Epic 3 Year Trip of a Backpacking Casanova

My new book Famles - Fables and Fairytales for Men is out now on Amazon.
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#8

Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player

if you post too many status updates, people just assume you have too much time on your hands.
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#9

Cocky funny status updates for the Facebook Player

some of them are pretty good, but others are pretty bad.

"it's complicate being me" sounds very attention seeking/needy imo

any attempt to brag or even ironically brag on Facebook looks kinda lame.

for instance; "Doesn't have a garden, but i still keep a hoe around" sounds really try-hard and lame.

i like "Last night I dreamt I ate a 5 kg marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone."

Facebook player is kind of an oxymoron though lol. but if it works for you then good for you.

"Colt 45 and two zigzags, baby that's all we need" - Ronald Reagan
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