Hi guys,
I recently started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and following from that, I have started to attempt and study and express my emotions more honestly and try not to put on a false pretense.
As a part of that, I have written some nasty thoughts and insults to a girl I was once in love with. Things that have been on my mind for a long time and never said. It was very freeing, even if it had nothing to do with holding frame, obviously.
I telephoned with her afterward, about a picture I took of her that I wanted to use. It was about a contract and she said that to her, her picture rights were important and that that was why she wanted to talk with me. Yeah, right, bullshit.
Anyway, as we talked, she kept saying that I need (anger) therapy and eventually, that the one kiss we had was something disgusting I imposed on her. Further, I asked her to suck my dick during the call and asked whether she wanted to fuck. Pretty asshole-ish. No idea whether she responded to it, she kept up a solid frame of "you are so unprofessional, so embarassing, so disgusting, I am so sweet, reasonable and calm." It was unreal how unaffected she seemed despite everything I was throwing at her.
I told her that I do not give a fuck and that I say whatever I want and do whatever I want. I felt that I was holding back my honest anger about the things she was saying, though. I just kept up a mask of laughing her shit off, but afterwards I realized that that is not what I had wanted to say, which would have been a simple: Fuck you.
All in all, it was pretty fun.
Nonetheless, as she said that thing about finding me disgusting, she somehow broke through some defense of mine. Secretly, I really believe that I am disgusting. That me asking a girl for sex must be horrible for her and I am akin to a piece of shit that dares to talk to a princess that knows "manners" and is part of some kind of elite that I can never hope belonging to, because I am intrinsically bad and disgusting. That I have no right (whatever that means) of imposing my sexuality on the fair sex, that I have to accept my place among the unworthy and ugly scum of this world.
I know, it is overly dramatic. But being alone with those thoughts drives me crazy. Hope you do not mind if I share. Has any of you guys had experience with toxic shame and some experience dealing with this?
In hindsight, I think that the things she said to me are exactly the kind of things I was most afraid of hearing. These things are quite possibly a big reason for why I hesitate to start learning game. I somehow managed to convince myself that that is not true, but who am I lying to. There must be some smart way of dealing with these emotions and thoughts.
Best,
Tom
Edit: I believe this belongs into the Newbie forum. Feel free to transfer.
I recently started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and following from that, I have started to attempt and study and express my emotions more honestly and try not to put on a false pretense.
As a part of that, I have written some nasty thoughts and insults to a girl I was once in love with. Things that have been on my mind for a long time and never said. It was very freeing, even if it had nothing to do with holding frame, obviously.
I telephoned with her afterward, about a picture I took of her that I wanted to use. It was about a contract and she said that to her, her picture rights were important and that that was why she wanted to talk with me. Yeah, right, bullshit.
Anyway, as we talked, she kept saying that I need (anger) therapy and eventually, that the one kiss we had was something disgusting I imposed on her. Further, I asked her to suck my dick during the call and asked whether she wanted to fuck. Pretty asshole-ish. No idea whether she responded to it, she kept up a solid frame of "you are so unprofessional, so embarassing, so disgusting, I am so sweet, reasonable and calm." It was unreal how unaffected she seemed despite everything I was throwing at her.
I told her that I do not give a fuck and that I say whatever I want and do whatever I want. I felt that I was holding back my honest anger about the things she was saying, though. I just kept up a mask of laughing her shit off, but afterwards I realized that that is not what I had wanted to say, which would have been a simple: Fuck you.
All in all, it was pretty fun.
Nonetheless, as she said that thing about finding me disgusting, she somehow broke through some defense of mine. Secretly, I really believe that I am disgusting. That me asking a girl for sex must be horrible for her and I am akin to a piece of shit that dares to talk to a princess that knows "manners" and is part of some kind of elite that I can never hope belonging to, because I am intrinsically bad and disgusting. That I have no right (whatever that means) of imposing my sexuality on the fair sex, that I have to accept my place among the unworthy and ugly scum of this world.
I know, it is overly dramatic. But being alone with those thoughts drives me crazy. Hope you do not mind if I share. Has any of you guys had experience with toxic shame and some experience dealing with this?
In hindsight, I think that the things she said to me are exactly the kind of things I was most afraid of hearing. These things are quite possibly a big reason for why I hesitate to start learning game. I somehow managed to convince myself that that is not true, but who am I lying to. There must be some smart way of dealing with these emotions and thoughts.
Best,
Tom
Edit: I believe this belongs into the Newbie forum. Feel free to transfer.