Trouble making male friends - Printable Version

Trouble making male friends - Printable Version

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Trouble making male friends - Every10GivesMeA10 - 12-07-2013

I think every man needs a homie who he can trust, talk and chill with on a day to day basis. The problem is that it's hard to find like minded guys and I often have a complete different personality than most guys. If I meet a cool dude he is either a criminal or a career obsessed nerd. Some guys I meet are cool but all they do for fun is smoke weed and drink alcohol which is not my thing, so the friendship remains superficial. The amount of good male friends I had in my life can be counted on 1 hand. Is it something about me that's turning people away or do you guys experience the same?

Trouble making male friends - Cincinnatus - 12-07-2013

In my experience, the older you get, the harder it is to become good friends with somebody. Nearly all of my homies are people I grew up with, though a few have dropped off the radar due to careers, kids, marriage, etc.

Have you met any RVF members? I've only met one thus far, Lothario, and even though we lead very different lives, he felt like a brother almost immediately.

Trouble making male friends - samsamsam - 12-07-2013

I don't it should be that easy to find those who are good enough to be solid friends. I think the word friendship has such little meaning now. It gets thrown around too easily.

I am lucky I have some solid friends, they are all different and not much alike other than they are solid human beings. But I have been fucked over and burned along the way to meet these special people in my life. You just have to keep looking and being open and sucking up the frustration and disappointment until you meet those great people. And the price you pay to meet them is worth it.

Trouble making male friends - Pyre - 12-07-2013

Same problem.

First of all the problem is you: you're looking too much from platonic male friendship.

After you address that your expectations are too high for what you're looking in friendship, you can address other issues.

Find commonalities: sports. Even if you fucking hate football, it's good to be able to bullshit about it in the US and you can build friendships about that. Other than that, talk to groups of existing friends at places like music concerts, football games, gyms, etc.

Little by little those casual conversations turn into friendships once you realize your expectations right now are too high for what you consider a "friend."

Trouble making male friends - eradicator - 12-07-2013

Wait, your telling me I need to run game on guys now too? I have a lot of aquaintances but not a lot of super close friends, and really at this point, I am not that bothered by it

Trouble making male friends - iknowexactly - 12-07-2013

People in american are too busy running to stay in one place, you almost have to combine business with friendship I've found.
I work with musicians who are in to what I do, if I have money I pay them, but they will hang out even if I'm broke, but as you get older people's time
gets more and more valuable and irreplaceable.

You need to have friends who are in similar places in life, if you hung out with Leonardo Dicaprio you couldn't afford the 3 weeks in Cannes with him, unless he paid for you and you probably wouldn't want that.

Trouble making male friends - cardguy - 12-07-2013

People just don't have time.

I see some of my close friends about once a year.

I see my best friend 4-5 times a year. I used to see him all the time when we lived in the same city.

I get on well with my brothers and see them quite alot.

But it is just a time thing. Plus as you get older (I am 31 btw) - you are too busy doing other shit to socialise like when you were younger. Every time I see my friends I feel like it has only been a couple of weeks since I last saw them.

I remember George Clooney saying in an interview that he was good friends with Brad Pitt. And how he hadn't seen him in over a year.

To be honest. I think this is the main reason people get wives or long-term girlfriends. So they have a 'friend' they can see everyday.

Trouble making male friends - cardguy - 12-07-2013

To add to the above - the only person I care about seeing is my best friend. The rest I don't really care about. I can take it or leave it.

They are cool guys - but I just prefer to focus my friendship time with my best buddy.

It is one of the surprising things about getting older - you develop habits you never would have guessed when you were younger. Like music. I still like it. But I don't love it to the degree I did when I was in my teens.

These days - what I most enjoy is just hanging out with brother, playing with my nephew and winding up my brother's girlfriend. Simple shit like that. It is fun because you are just hanging out - and not going out on some major social night out.

The rest of the time I prefer to just get on with my own shit. Books mainly. And on top of that - I have enough fun with buddies at work - that outside of work I prefer to focus on getting other stuff done.

Trouble making male friends - WesternCancer - 12-07-2013

How selfish are you?

I am extremely selfish (often without realizing it).

Its great for women, but horrible for making friends.

Trouble making male friends - Peregrine - 12-07-2013

Quote:Quote:

The amount of good male friends I had in my life can be counted on 1 hand. Is it something about me that's turning people away or do you guys experience the same?

You're going to have to be a lot more specific about your personal circumstances for anyone here to attempt a diagnostic. Also, define "good male friend". I have several, but only one or two guys (outside of family) that I know I can count on. And that's enough. Because for every that you can fully depend on is a guy that you need to be just as dependable for. I don't want or need more than a handful.

Quote: (12-07-2013 04:56 PM)WesternCancer Wrote:

How selfish are you?

I am extremely selfish (often without realizing it).

Its great for women, but horrible for making friends.

MikeCF wrote a solid post on the effects of selfishness and male friendships. http://dangerandplay.com/2013/09/27/the-ten-year-test/

Trouble making male friends - Every10GivesMeA10 - 12-07-2013

Quote: (12-07-2013 04:56 PM)WesternCancer Wrote:

How selfish are you?

I am extremely selfish (often without realizing it).

Its great for women, but horrible for making friends.

I show tons of interest in people but all they can do is talk about themselves and/or they never ask questions.

Trouble making male friends - RXB - 12-07-2013

Quote: (12-07-2013 04:56 PM)WesternCancer Wrote:

How selfish are you?

I am extremely selfish (often without realizing it).

Its great for women, but horrible for making friends.

I openly admit to being a narcissist. It sucks for making friends.

I actually don't really have any male friends, which I'm okay with, because of my ego. My male "friends" are usually guys who are in the same lane as me and competition. Strangely we get along despite being rivals.

Trouble making male friends - InternationPlayboy - 12-07-2013

I've never had trouble meeting friends. I just find as I get older, many of them I don't care to see as much anymore. Many of them I have little in common with anymore. When I went back home to vegas, I only hung out with my best friends, and they all hang out together, and the other people they hang out with. I saw one other close friend growing up. That's it.

I already have the people in my life that I want. Usually every year or two I'll meet a person or two that I become close with.

Trouble making male friends - Vaun - 12-07-2013

having gf's & wives can destroy your friendships. my best friends all live 100's and 1000's of miles away. would be nice to have a crew again but as you get older thats a challenge. occasionally I roll with friends to clubs, and dont like to show up to a party by myself. will go hang at a bar by myself, but not clubs. I make friends through work, music, sports, and have been contemplating lightening up on dating to foster more of these friendships. tonight I am staying in and its pretty nice to watch football, eat chicken wings and kick back, after a long week.

Trouble making male friends - Wutang - 12-07-2013

Once you get out of school it gets harder and harder to meet new people. Pretty much all the friends I meet are through my BJJ and MMA training. I'm pretty happy with it though - it's allowed me to meet a lot of guys from outside my socio-economic class that I wouldn't have met otherwise so it gives me an idea what other types of people's lives are like. When you have to sweat and toil with each other it gives you a sense of connection with the other person even if you don't have much in common otherwise. I'd suggest signing up for some sort of activity.

I don't know if this applies to your situation though. Looks like you want to meet other guys that you do have something in common with. I've met guys that I've gotten close with through training but most of the people you meet are just going to be what I call "social friends". Meaning they are guys you can go do some fun activity with but not really someone you can talk to about serious topics or open up to.

Trouble making male friends - Wahawahwah - 12-07-2013

Make friends at work.

Trouble making male friends - Thomas the Rhymer - 12-08-2013

Quote: (12-07-2013 03:16 PM)Every10GivesMeA10 Wrote:

The amount of good male friends I had in my life can be counted on 1 hand. Is it something about me that's turning people away or do you guys experience the same?

Trouble making male friends - Peregrine - 12-08-2013

Another thought: Shared interests and values only make for acquaintances or casual activity buddies. Necessary, but not sufficient. It's facing adversity together that creates the bonds of a close friendship. Trust is built as you both indirectly demonstrate ability and reliability when things get tough. Mutual respect is shared as you both overcome the adversity together. The memories created distinguish both of you to each other.

Also helpful is facing a common enemy. That's just human nature. Humans bond by ostracizing other individuals. Refer to sports teams, police departments, and military forces. You'll find some of the strongest male relationships in those organizations and each one has a common enemy.

And I'll make a note of selfishness again. I've lost a friend that way (and it was most definitely my fault), so this isn't a righteous sermon. If you know you have selfish tendencies, make it a point to work on being more generous with your male friends. If you don't, you don't deserve close male friends. It's important that both parties derive value from the relationship. It's not a perfectly balanced ledger, but if you're leeching heavily, sooner or later he'll wise up to it and dump your ass (as he should).

Trouble making male friends - LeBeau - 12-08-2013

What I find difficult is often keeping in touch enough or seeing ppl enough to have those social friendships turn into deeper ones.

I'm lucky I have a variety of best friends, and a lot of girls have pointed out that I roll with various solid "crews", I guess I just took it for granted.

But I often feel guilty that I forgot to txt/email someone back, or couldn't join them for an event, when I know if schedules/cities were more convenient for us, those deeper connections would naturally grow.

I think the first step for a lot of guys looking to make more male friends as they grow older, is looking at similar values rather than specific activities.

Like if you stop playing recreation league basketball or something and instantly there's nothing to talk about.

Friends should be able to go do most activities together (assuming they're both into it) or even just grab a drink and have that be enough.

A lot of men are also afraid to show off their more vulnerable side, or chat about the issues we do on the RVF.

I find if I open up a bit, their reactions give you hints on how things will be later, since some guys can't process that you can go game the best looking girls at the bar, and then the next night be talkative about your failures.

Trouble making male friends - bodmon - 12-08-2013

OP not sure if the following truth will discourage you or will benefit you, but you need to realize that a lot of the friendships you see out there among the masses are quite arbitrary and random and not entirely based on some kind of personality compatibility or meeting of minds.

this is less so with age and among smarter people but as an introverted guy growing up who entered various social circles at an advanced stage it was a shock to me to see that a lot of the people in the circles didn't entirely like each other and just stuck together because of random initial associations plus a long history together. for example among this one group i run in, there's this guy who's an angry, whiny, insecure, violent, spiteful, stupid loser. when i've broken this down and questioned why any of the guys in the group would willingly hang out with the guy and questioned what value he brings to them, they've just said "yeah you're probably right... but he's our boy since high school".

so the organic element is big. now with, say, cold approaches on girls, we might lament the low turnover, but in the end it is natural to bang a girl cold - attraction is attraction, regardless of time and place. but with making new friends, the organic element has to be there besides compatibility. so focus on the former as much as the latter, and and work to manufacture a kind of serendipity in your outings and interactions and to create the kind of strong bonds you want.

Trouble making male friends - cardguy - 12-08-2013

Yeah - there is a lot of randomness in all this.

The coolest guy I knew (in the year below me at school) went to university.

After a year he dropped out and went to a completely different university.

I asked him why and he told me had trouble finding any cool people to hang with.

I am guessing he just got really unlucky since he is one of the coolest people I know.

Trouble making male friends - Teedub - 12-08-2013

I have always found it easy to make friends. For example, I went to Hamburg a few years ago, went to a rock music bar on my own and ended up chatting to two German guys. Went back this past summer to see them and had been in regular contact with them in between.

At home, I've got the same friends I've had since childhood and adolescence. I still see them, but not as often as I did when I was younger (I'm 27) of course. However I'd say my best friend is my brother (who's 22), without doubt. I speak to him almost every day.

Trouble making male friends - poledaddy - 12-08-2013

I had tight group of friends during and after college, most of whom were my roommates for a few years. We were red pill before the word existed. Bang contests every month, stripper pole & hot tub in our apartment. If someone got a girlfriend we would all push each them to keep smashing stuff on the side - to the point that it was basically impossible not to cheat. It was tough love too - if someone acted beta or was out of line they got called out for it, regardless of whether they wanted to hear it at the time.

I took it for granted at the time but damn we were loyal to each other. If there was a fat girl in a group of girls that looked likely to cockblock, someone would always step up to the plate and fall on the grenade to make sure the rest of us had a shot with the hot girls, no matter how gross. It wasn't an issue, the cockblock always got handled. We all worked as hard to get each other laid as we did for ourselves. And it wasn't just pussy this "code" extended to. If there was a beef with one of us, you had beef with all of us, which was bad news because nearly every guy was a current or former bouncer. We always helped each other get jobs/gigs - if one guy lined up a job at a bar that was a pussy factory, everyone else was working there in short order. When it came time to apply to real world jobs/internships we were working on each other's resumes/applications. There was a wide range of ages in the crew so the young guys benefited from the advice of the older dudes.

Everything was solid after college, but as years passed more guys moved to different parts of the country for work. The real killer though was my two best friends got wrapped up in some shit and ended up having to peace out of the USA altogether a few years ago. I have no contact with them (for good reason) but losing them was rough to say the least.

I make friends now as of yet I've been unable to replicate anything close to the same of trust or red-pill thinking among friends that I did in the past. I'm certainly not bitching, you gotta play the hand you are dealt and I could probably do a better job of re-building. I've continued to do well in life without a solid crew, and it has been good to learn to adapt. There's definitely a certain resilience that is built moving forward on your own. But all things equal, I can certainly say I prefer having a tight red-pill crew around a lot more than I do going without one. You can't beat that feeling of camaraderie when you have a solid crew of competent players and are all working as a unit to slay pussy.

Trouble making male friends - AnonymousBosch - 12-08-2013

You can't force friendships. Neediness turns off men the same way it turns off women.

Whilst I have good mates, their numbers have dwindled in recent years due to death and relocation. I don't have superficial friendships - the mates in my life are ones I've years of experience with, and would take a bullet for. I enjoy my friendships, but I also don't *need* the company of other people to thrive. I've cultivated self-reliance over the years to be comfortable with being alone. Knowing that you can absolutely rely on yourself builds confidence, and *that* attracts other people.

Trouble making male friends - All or Nothing - 12-09-2013

Quote: (12-07-2013 06:08 PM)Peregrine Wrote:

MikeCF wrote a solid post on the effects of selfishness and male friendships. http://dangerandplay.com/2013/09/27/the-ten-year-test/

I read this post a month ago and honestly, it is one of the best posts I have ever read.

I was always very selfish when it came to other people. I can remember being that way as far back as when I was 12. Outside of a couple friendships, all of my friendships had been transient. I always wondered why and that post helped me find the "missing ingredient" so to speak.

Over the past month, I bought every single one of my friends a drink or a meal and it added a level of depth that was never there. Doing this helped me understand what Mike meant by "give freely".

When you live purely for yourself and never give back or give freely to anyone, your friendships can only be as shallow as a puddle.

When you give to others out of good will, your friendships can have the depth of the oceans.